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Had another dream about issues between me and my mother. It

FreeingMy_30's's picture
[30070]

Had another dream about issues between me and my mother. It seems to mean I'm worried about her trying to ruin things for me after I get over to our new home. I was in our new home, my home office was all set up and kinda spiffy so things were going well, and the place was nice. Well, nicer than we're used to, probably "basic" for others. It was around sunset and then I was in the middle of a phone call from her. It was dead silent and I knew she was starting to play one of her games. I said several times, "Hello? Hello? I can hear the background noise, I know you're there. Are you going to talk or just play games?". Then I hear her new boyfriend (who has no idea who she really is or the master manipulator and how scheming she is), he says "Huh, you're really somethin" in an angry way. And it hits me, she's playing another one of her games to convince someone around her that she's a "victim" of some terrible persons abuse. This time, it's me. It took me till I was in my early 20's to notice her games, to notice that my dad wasn't lying when he'd get so angry at her and go on his rants about how she was so scheming and fake. I never believed him and defended her till I was blue in the face. Then, she started doing it to me. Lied to the entire family and made them all hate me. Then I realized, "Wow, he was telling the truth....". Sometimes I wonder if it's all in my head, but then I remember that half of her own family has disowned her and won't even speak to her. I look back and remember seeing her always playing the "victim". I WAS a victim, and she didn't care. Real abuse, not just my dads anger over the fights she always started. She looooves to start fights, and then give you the scared puppy face and say "Well I don't know why you're so angry.". Then go and tell anyone and everyone how horrible that person is, but leave out every single detail that would hold her responsible for any bit of it. Yet, she's never shown any amount of remorse, or empathy for all 4 of her own children. My brother, a main subject of my dads physical and mental abuse, has really suffered from this rejection and lack of acknowledgement from my mother. After not getting to see her or speak to her after the family split up, almost 10 years of no contact with his mom, she was nearby once and he came to see her. He was so happy to see his mother, he even brought her a bouquet of beautiful orange roses. She barely even acknowledged that he was in the room. Gave him a brief cold hug like you would a stranger you're not comfortable with, no eye contact, wouldn't talk when he spoke to her. He was so crushed. He actually cried a little sitting there, looking at her, like "Why don't you love me?". Our parents cracked his fragile mind. No matter how I feel about them and the things they've done, I always end up going back to him. He suffered the most out of all 4 of us. Well, he was affected the most. I'm almost 30, grew up around this behavior from my mother and am now a mother, and I cannot fathom behaving this way in any aspect. I've had to defend my daughter to her a few times and actually had to tell my at the time 3 year old, "Don't listen to her honey, her mind is broken and she doesn't know how to treat people". She COMPLETELY rejected my daughter as family and I do not even know how to express the feelings that has instilled in me. It was my daughters 4th birthday, and she was there, and knew it was her birthday. She said nothing, no hug, no I love you, nothing. I don't hate, but after that day, when my daughter started asking why she acts the way she does, I started telling my daughter "Don't worry about it. Don't think about her honey, she's not your family". Because she made it clear that she has no interest in being any form of family towards us. She doesn't even have a single picture of my daughter, never asked about how she was doing, never visited. It was then that I started to realize.....she's never acted like a mother to me.... She never taught me things, never wanted to spend time with me, never tried to guide me through life, NEVER cared about my education or future. I took care of HER whenever she was sick and had to constantly ask before she'd even do ANYTHING when I was sick. Once I was about 6, she just quit. Every aspect of parenting, she quit. I look at my daughter, and I've gone through hell on earth to take care of her and give her things I never had, teach her, guide her, there has not been 1 single day since that girl was born that I haven't kissed her, hugged her, and said "I love you". Not 1 single day without it. When I loom at her, I can't even imagine myself treating her the way my mother treated me. Or the way she started to treat my daughter. This is partly why I'm so excited and nervous to move with my friend and her family. I've met her mom and she's a lovely sweet lady. My friend keeps saying that her family is my family, so my daughter will get to see what having a gramma is really like. She's still young enough that hopefully she'll forget my mother and how she acted towards her. She deserves a family. A much better family than the one I was born into. I'm really hopeful that this move will benefit my daughter in all the ways that I couldn't provide for her by myself. She'll have my friend as an aunt, her daughters as sisters, her mom as a gramma, possibly her brother as an uncle, and all of the rest of her family to get close to. We'll get to spend more times outdoors, she'll get to develop a sense of what she likes to for fun(dance, art, or music, etc), and develop a sense of belonging. I can't wait to go! 95 days and counting.

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Mosaic's picture
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Aug 18

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FreeingMy_30's's picture
[30070]
Aug 19

@Mosaic Oh, I'm sorry! The way you told that memory it sounded like being right there, I thought your daughter was still a youngster. My apologies. That's exactly what I did too, after my mother acted the way she did with my daughter. I like the way you put that, extended family of "flying monkeys". We're moving closer and closer to no contact. Wow, that's wonderful. I hope my daughter will have that.

Lol, birth control can take alot of learning to use effectively. Wow, the oldest of 8? I can imagine freedom was definitely precious to you. I only waited till 25, but in my family and in the culture at the time, that was an eternity later than "expected". We had a family curse(or so we were constantly told) that all the women ended up pregnant by 19, single, and "the babies were always left with gramma to raise". Well, even though every where my sister and I turned, we were basically called [email protected](even though we were single) neither of us did anything they said we would. They all assumed that I would be a horrible mother. Of course they assumed that, none of them had ever taken the time to get to know me or who I really am, they just lived by the gossip and rumors they'd all made up about me. They were rather vicious and so my guard was always up around them. Which is also why I've kept my daughter away from them, same as you. It sounds like you just made a conscious choice to wait until you were ready. To me that's very sensible and respectable. Where I grew up most girls were pregnant by 16 or 18 and started having kids as early as 14. Waiting till 25 was some amazing feat in that area, lol. Definitely, most women do turn out to be wonderful mothers. My old friend always said she would never have kids, she hated kids, especially girls. I kept telling her I had a feeling she'd have 2 daughters one day. Well, she has 2 daughters now and she's grown into such a warmer kinder person. It's been amazing to watch her grow with her girls. Love often brings out the best in us. :)

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Mosaic's picture
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Aug 21

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Mosaic

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