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I don’t know how to do this. I’m 26yrs and just shy of n

I don’t know how to do this. I’m 26yrs and just shy of nine months pregnant. I lost my fiancé to an overdose two and a half weeks ago. He was either using drugs or in jail for the majority of my pregnancy, with few failed attempts to stop. When he got out of his two month sentence I went to visit him in NY.we had lived in Florida together but when things got out of hand and he was going to jail I moved back to Canada with family, when he got out he moved to NY with his. We had the first and only beautiful moments a pregnant couple should experience together. He felt and talked to our son. The rest of my visit was horrible, not having seen him for two months I was hoping it would be different but we fought and he got High. So I came back home. A week and a half later he overdosed. I’m about to have our son. I stood by him through it all, not always in the physical presence but in every other way. He wanted so badly to be a father, but the demons he had he couldn’t fight. I held on everyday with the thought that one day he will turn it around, like he promised when he was sober in jail. That we’d be a family. Every vision I have is of us. In just a few weeks I will have our son. I’m so scared that when I see him, instead of feeling joy and the deepest love I will be filled with sadness thinking that if only he could have held on a little longer seeing his son and holding him may have saved his life. I always wanted a family, that’s all we ever talked about..but I don’t want to be a mother, not like this. Where is my partner, why is he gone. I’m in so much pain, I don’t want to get up or breathe. I miss my soon to be everything.

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CKBlossom's picture
[445615]
May 17

Hun, you will love your child, you already do, yes, they will remind you of their father, but they aren't their father. Are you getting grief counseling? Is your family supportive?

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[635]
May 18

I am sorry for all that you have been through. Life can be very difficult and the future uncertain, even frightening. On top of that you are filled with grief. I can understand your fears and misgivings. You sound as if you have a good head on your shoulders. You are thinking your situation through. I think you are right when you said that your fiance was fighting his demons. Addiction is a strong snare and it pulls you back when you try to crawl away from it. He loved you and your child, but just didn't have the strength. Strength is what you need now and that is what I am going to pray for you. You are going to have to be strong for your son and for yourself. My husband died when my youngest child was just a new baby. The grief was crippling. I was like you, the pain was so overwhelming, I felt like I couldn't breath. I stopped feeling for my baby. I was just numb. I didn't neglect him. I nursed him, changed him, rocked him, and sang to him, but it was because I knew that he needed care to survive. I went through the motions of mothering. I had five other kids and my family was just falling apart. I was ready to give up, I knew that anyone else would make a better mom than me. I was just on the brink of running away (or worse) when I found out where strength comes from. It sure wasn't from my kids or my family. I read two things one very dark lonely night: "Call to Me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things that you do not know." And "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, Plans for good and not evil, plans to give you a hope and a future." My future is dead, was my first response, and my hope is gone. I needed the mighty part though. I had no strength at all. I told God that if this was really true, then He would be my God forever. That was 28 years ago this March. My kids are all grown now. They have kids of their own and I love them all dearly. God was as good as His Word. I am not going to tell you it was easy. I am telling you where you can find your strength and your hope and your future.

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