I would like to say hello to you all. I am struggling with

I would like to say hello to you all.
I am struggling with my mental health since the problems in my relationship have been a huge blow to me. I am still married to a wonderful person, but.. recently separated. We've been through many problems during our years together. We both had very troubled childhood, but her was worse. A lot of abuse, even rape. And a chronic pain that worsened after she gave birth to our child. Moreover, our child is autistic. Her mother suffered a stroke not long ago.. We are not from the same cultural backgrounds, living in another country, without family support. She keeps in touch with her family, I cut all ties with mine.. toxic people, trying to harm our relationship.
Anyways, the important thing to say is that I was failing hard during the course of the relationship. I was not giving my wife proper attention, I was not always there when she needed, I was failing to read cues. If you can believe or not, I was almost completely unaware of it, until she had enough and wanted to leave. I was raised in an environment where love was virtually absent and emotional abuse was omnipresent. It left me somewhat emotionally crippled, and I did not know what is healthy in a relationship.
..... I agreed to live separately, and support my wife and child. As the time alone was passing, I grew to realize all I was doing wrong, and how much I love, adore, worship my wife, and want to make things up. However, she began seeing a man, brother of her best friend, and she was and is greatly encouraged to go on. They already slept together, even though it was casual (allegedly), and they are yet to have a proper date. Not knowing about everything, I tried to tell wife about my feelings, but the way she responded was so harsh it put me on my knees. I had to seek medical help. I tried to talk to her since, and besides initial anger from her side, and my defense in anger as well, we found a way to talk. She was trying to be supporting, but not giving me hopes. She was frank with me, which I appreciate. She was showing hints that she would like the life with me if only she wasn't hurt from the relationship (though my explanations, and honesty about my change that I can, and will, prove with actions, gave her a different perspective of things that were hurtful to her) However, she also clearly expressed she wants to try a new things with this man. I just expressed a hope that there might be a chance for me to prove that I am a changed person who would make her happy, in the future. She made me know that the flame once there is not there any more. She loves me, but not in the way she needs to want me intimately - and that's what she needs to feel to go back to me. Her best friend now lives with her in the apartment that we used to be in together, and she supports the new relationship a lot. She dislikes me, even though we never met - she had a painful relationship with a man coming from the same country as I am from, who also looked similar to me. Her family knows my wife very well and they take her like their own. And all of them more or less push them to be together... While this guy has a history of being a womanizer, with multiple relationships and countless one night stands. He enjoys female attention, is very self-confident, even arrogant. Funnily, I know this all from my wife.. I swore to be the support, her rock, whenever she needs, as I ever was. She does not want me to lose.. but this is so painful to bear.. I have to think about the child.. but **** this is tough. Is there someone I can talk to?

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Sdiamond1026's picture
May 27

I feel your pain man. I've been with my wife for 25 yrs total, married 17, 2 kids. She cheated with 2 guys (one one time in 2013) and a few months later had a 2 yr affair with her masseuse. It's been 19 months since I found out and at first she was begging for forgiveness and telling me how much she loved me. Well, a few months ago she told me she loves me but isn't in love and doesn't feel the passion and spark like she wants to. I said then why am I here. She admitted the last 19 months was her trying to feel it and pretty much faking it so I wouldn't leave. She said she has felt this way for years and doesn't think she can get the intimate feelings back. She says she wants to still be with me though and wants to try more and got on new meds for her mental issues and we are in counseling. She gives sex here and there only because she knows I want it but I can tell she isn't into it. I think she is here because she doesn't want to work full time or leave the house for work and I pay the bills and provide her an easy life. She doesn't want to lose that. I know she isn't cheating anymore. So here I am feeling the worst anxiety every day knowing that most likely I'm being played and she is using the meds and counseling as a way to appease me and buy time and make me think she is trying. She says she wants so bad to feel it but can't force it and needs baby steps because it's not gonna happen overnight. She still kisses me hello, goodbye, goodnight and says she loves me daily. I guess she loves me as a person and a father to the kids. I haven't been able to bring myself to divorce her because I love her and feel there is still a chance (although small). I feel like I walks around on eggshells as to not do anything that could interfere with her "feeling it for me" again. Counseling is a slow frustrating process and I feel like I'm just gonna go nuts soon living this way.

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Rainbow.'s picture
May 27

I want to add something important: I also went into a chatroom and met a guy who is asking for explicit pics etc. and flattering me, he is smart too but has this sexual side I am trying to stop him from exploting with me. I have sent one holiday pic but nothing naked etc., I will never do such a thing. However: it is so easy for a woman to fall for that.. especially if your wife needs a man to tell her she is stunningly beautiful, your wife is probably dying to hear this from you.
Have you talkedto her about another woman? This was the trigger for me.
Hope this helps..! Hugs

May 27

Hi and thank you. I haven't talked t her about another woman, no. I know she's been insecure about her looks. I was telling her she is beautiful to me just the way she is, but, probably too few times. I recall, though, making her insecure telling her she needs to learn how to deal with finances, and that she can't be by herself, without me. I didn't mean that she is not able to be self-dependant; she just tends to be very impulsive with money and due to that we were never able to save some for tougher times. And when the difficult times came, we had to go into debt. But anyways, there were probably many times I was not there fulfilling her emotional needs, and she might have felt the grave need to fulfill them elsewhere, with someone else .. I want to figure out everything she ever needs and provide for her, if she allows me.


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