I would like to say hello to you all. I am struggling with

I would like to say hello to you all.
I am struggling with my mental health since the problems in my relationship have been a huge blow to me. I am still married to a wonderful person, but.. recently separated. We've been through many problems during our years together. We both had very troubled childhood, but her was worse. A lot of abuse, even rape. And a chronic pain that worsened after she gave birth to our child. Moreover, our child is autistic. Her mother suffered a stroke not long ago.. We are not from the same cultural backgrounds, living in another country, without family support. She keeps in touch with her family, I cut all ties with mine.. toxic people, trying to harm our relationship.
Anyways, the important thing to say is that I was failing hard during the course of the relationship. I was not giving my wife proper attention, I was not always there when she needed, I was failing to read cues. If you can believe or not, I was almost completely unaware of it, until she had enough and wanted to leave. I was raised in an environment where love was virtually absent and emotional abuse was omnipresent. It left me somewhat emotionally crippled, and I did not know what is healthy in a relationship.
..... I agreed to live separately, and support my wife and child. As the time alone was passing, I grew to realize all I was doing wrong, and how much I love, adore, worship my wife, and want to make things up. However, she began seeing a man, brother of her best friend, and she was and is greatly encouraged to go on. They already slept together, even though it was casual (allegedly), and they are yet to have a proper date. Not knowing about everything, I tried to tell wife about my feelings, but the way she responded was so harsh it put me on my knees. I had to seek medical help. I tried to talk to her since, and besides initial anger from her side, and my defense in anger as well, we found a way to talk. She was trying to be supporting, but not giving me hopes. She was frank with me, which I appreciate. She was showing hints that she would like the life with me if only she wasn't hurt from the relationship (though my explanations, and honesty about my change that I can, and will, prove with actions, gave her a different perspective of things that were hurtful to her) However, she also clearly expressed she wants to try a new things with this man. I just expressed a hope that there might be a chance for me to prove that I am a changed person who would make her happy, in the future. She made me know that the flame once there is not there any more. She loves me, but not in the way she needs to want me intimately - and that's what she needs to feel to go back to me. Her best friend now lives with her in the apartment that we used to be in together, and she supports the new relationship a lot. She dislikes me, even though we never met - she had a painful relationship with a man coming from the same country as I am from, who also looked similar to me. Her family knows my wife very well and they take her like their own. And all of them more or less push them to be together... While this guy has a history of being a womanizer, with multiple relationships and countless one night stands. He enjoys female attention, is very self-confident, even arrogant. Funnily, I know this all from my wife.. I swore to be the support, her rock, whenever she needs, as I ever was. She does not want me to lose.. but this is so painful to bear.. I have to think about the child.. but **** this is tough. Is there someone I can talk to?

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May 21

Once, when she knew the guy just as a brother of her friend, she found out about him having an one night stand with a woman cheating on her husband, her good friend. And he knows the guy, too. I don't understand this. Perhaps she simply wants badly to find a new love

Soledad1234's picture
May 22

I think you both have your problems. You seem to be taking a lot of the blame on yourself. Perhaps it is justified but it shows you have low esteem. She wants to be around a guy that is strong, supportive but most of all fun. She also need to know that the man loves her and is not going to suffocate her. I suggest that you tell her you understand where she is coming from, that you have both suffered a lot of hurt in the relationship and you understand that she wants to see if she can find happiness elsewhere. If you love her you have to let her try this but tell her you are always there for her if she needs you. Stage two of the strategy is to do things with her. Just a little at first (take is slowly) but if she is going to see you as a changed man she needs to start having some fun with you. If she finds that boing around you is more fun she will come over to you more frequently. Don't dwell on the problems remember the good times you had together. What were you doing? Try to recreate this without being obvious. Most importantly of all you need to show that you care about her as a person.

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May 27

The things is I want to let her do what she thinks will make her happy, but I do not want to be involved in her life. It is beyond tough to stay as what she wants me to be. She wants me to be her emotional support, her mentor at times, someone she can share, how was her day, with. And she wanted to cook for me at times, come clean my place, sometimes give me various advices. Moreover, she wants so much to know about my life. I am absolutely ready to be there when she needs me, but not for this. She wants all this, but clearly stated that there is nothing more for me there.


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