Today is his birthday. I haven't been on in a while. I sta
Today is his birthday.
I haven't been on in a while. I started a new job which I'm trying to get into. Yesterday I got pathetic and texted him and called him twice last night. Phone went right to voicemail, then he texted he couldn't talk. I thought in January this would be easy. Just do No Contact. But the months keep going by and I'm still exactly the same. I hate this. And I'm hating myself for clinging to a fantasy that doesn't exist. I keep telling myself he can't give me what he doesn't have. I just wish I would finally believe that.
watching Sam Vaknin helps me
Try not to be too hard on yourself. That must feel awful to be stuck where you are. Are you reading books, watching videos, journaling, going to therapy, or anything else? What helps me is the addiction analogy. We are addicted to the abuse our narcs dished out through manipulation, intermittent reinforcement, etc. Three was a post on here recently with a link to this: http://psychopathsandlove.com/intermittent-reinforcement/. So you can quit an addiction cold turkey, but unless you understand what happened, accept the narcissist for who he/she really is and realize that they can offer you nothing but pain in the long-term, rehabilitate yourself, recover from the trauma, and heal from the abuse, you're just white-knuckling it. Your addiction is still there, but you're not using. But you still want your fix. I was stuck there for a while: feeling like I simply couldn't live without him, craving him like a drug despite all the crap he put me through and how he devalued/downgraded me to a point where I was just his emotional punching bag/landfill, drinking buddy, "loan" officer (as he never paid me back), and friend with benefits. You'll get there. Be patient, forgive yourself, be kind to yourself (you are not pathetic, you're just heartbroken), and invest the time in yourself to do the work you need to do to recover. You can do this!
Omg @KinD thanks for responding. I loved what you said about being his emotional punching bag/landfill, drinking buddy, friend with benefits. I did all the work and therapy and videos and journaling in the beginning and thought Hey I've got this! But I'm realizing this, for me anyway, is a longer than expected process. I am trying to just keep moving forward today, to not let these tears out until I'm at least home from work tonight, and try to have a good day, and who knows, maybe the tears will subside. I am heartbroken. I feel so terribly heartbroken. I want him to care that I am. And that is never going to happen.