This week's Topic: Giving yourself permission to be imperfect!!!

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Sorry, hit post too soon. I see my life crashing in on me a

Sorry, hit post too soon. I see my life crashing in on me and I am losing more and more control. I have been grey rocking my narc for a few weeks now and as you can imagine, he's not liking it one bit. He confronts me every chance he gets. He blames everything that is wrong with our marriage on my lack of desire to have sex with him. I blame him for ruining our marriage because of his lies, cheating (multiple times), criticizing, name calling, and all the other ugly narcissistic things he does. I want to scream it at him so bad. He has the nerve to ask me what's wrong and when I try to tell him, he turns it all around on me. I know I should ignore this but it hurts so bad.m I am typing this at work after just getting off the phone with this monster and am fighting every urge to burst out in tears. I read all the advice given in this group and take it to heart but I am losing it, emotionally and mentally. I am falling apart....

Tundra's picture
Sep 12

I have been there. I want you to know that you only have two options: 1) Stay in the marriage, or 2) Leave the marriage. Do you ever think about leaving him? When you think about leaving him to someplace nice do you feel happier? Or do you want to stay in the marriage, endure and hope you find a way to love each other again?..........................

Advice for #1: If you want to stay in the marriage -and avoid losing it every time he hurts you because you feel like you're not getting through to him and it's an endless cycle you just wish would end- I strongly recommend that you accept it. I know you probably think it's a horrible advice, but if you want to stay with a narcissist you have to accept that he is a narcissist and that he will always be a narcissist which means his narcissist behavior will ALWAYS remain in the relationship with you. The sooner you accept that this is the man you love and he is always going to be like this, the more control you have over yourself and your emotions because now you've accepted a sad and harsh reality. After acceptance, every time you to engage in a conversation you will need to stare at him, really stare at him, and realize that he has a lot of issues that are not going to change/realize he is the problem, and then talk to him as if he is a child and you are a teacher. Sounds mean right? Unfortunately, you're trying to teach him empathy, compassion and teamwork, which are traits he does not possess. (Remember: He will never possess these traits especially not in a romantic relationship and he may possess them momentarily in the relationship, but eventually he will forget and go back to being his normal, narcissistic self.) From there, you clarify (and this is extremely important) your wants and needs in the relationship. You also have to clarify your limits and boundaries. That way (even though you told him a million times because remember he is like a child that is only capable of thinking about himself and his wants) that way he can never say he did not know or he was not aware of it. Once he is aware of it, every time he hurts you by need to immediately, right when he is doing it, let him know. Of course he is going to defend himself, let him justify his actions, but now he will be more aware of how he is actually contributing to issues in the relationship and you can stare at him. Seriously, just stare at him whenever he justifies his actions, stare at him as if you're just seeing him for the first time, you're finally seeing him for who he really is... and then... the final step, let it go. You are going to have to have a sense of humor despite the pain and hurt and neglect he is causing you because he will do it again, you will have to address it again, he will justify his actions again (even if he apologizes he still feels somewhat as if he didn't really do anything too wrong or bad not enough to deserve any real consequences for his actions), but you'll have to look at him like he's your client and you're his psychologist when he does it again. Narcissists like to have power and control, they like to be respected even if they didn't earn it, so the only way to cope in a long-term relationship with them is to indirectly tease them and constantly bring it to their attention how they're really not so great as they think they are in a relationship.................

Advice for #2: Divorce will be hectic. Most likely he will do whatever he can so that his ego and pride remains in tact. He will hurt you and upset you more than ever, especially emotionally, just to get a reaction so you can say and do things that prove that you're crazy or the one with the issues. He is going to make you feel absolutely awful in one way or the other. He may appear to be a saint. He may try to test his power and control over you by pretending he is sorry, that he will do everything because he wants you back then once he has you back he'll keep up the facade long enough so that he knows you'll be with him and not leave him again then he will go back to his old ways... so I strongly recommend that if you leave him keep very quiet about it. Leave him when he least expects it. Leave when you saved up money, you know where you will be staying and you put yourself in a safe situation where you know you will not want to go back to him. Remind yourself of how unhappy you were in your marriage, remind yourself of all the years you sacrifices and all the times you've tried and forgiven him yet he can't seem to stop hurting you. It does help if you have some guy (friend, family or a guy you're dating) who is around in case you two have children that way he does not try to start a fight or manipulate you. You will have to protect yourself because narcissists are the best manipulators. They will find a way to hurt you and break you down while still maintaining their egotistical image that they're some kind of saint.

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Sep 13

@Tundra WOW! Thank you so much. This is a real eye opener. This is great, great advice. My I ask which option you chose and how you made the choice? I would really appreciate your help with this decision.


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