New to something like this. I am here for perspective. Fa

New to something like this. I am here for perspective.

Facts, or very likely: My wife's father is a narc, her mother may have been one too. My father and mother may be narc's - my mother's father was one without a doubt. I question if my wife and I both have tendencies, or are full blown narc's. My wife tell's me I don't have empathy but I've been told by individuals and one counselor that I do. I honestly care for people, but I am very logical and often jump to solutions without first acknowledging the person's emotion behind the problem. My wife hasn't called me a narc, but she does imply it. We are currently going through marriage counseling. She is also seeing a counselor on her own for trauma from her mother's passing, narc father, cutting ties with father and brother (brother doesn't see the father as a narc).

Examples of our issues. She said that a couple she was meeting with (not professionals), who meet with couples to help, suggested that I might be. This rocked me to my core. It hurt that she thought that and that it was a subject she had discussed with them. I truly don't think I am one, but over time have begun to wonder. I'm sort of lost at the moment. I've been in so many arguments with my wife where I know for a fact what I was saying was true, but it gets questioned that it happened that way, then if I get too close to revealing the truth, I'm told I'm exhausting her, I'm like a cold-hearted lawyer, I'm twisting things, and the most infuriating is that she tosses out a handful of things that all have some truth but not the whole truth and I'm not given room to explain my take on it. I have tried to chase these stories and patterns for years, and it's always the same outcome. An hour + of circle talking where she admits nothing and just throws stabbing remarks the whole time. I'm very stubborn and commit to try to chase each accusation and prove it out ( I do apologize when wrong, or realize I'm wrong), but nothing has ever changed. As of late, I've started texting her my feelings on things that hurt, and that has worked a little. She actually apologized after one of my texts expressing my feelings. She never apologizes on her own or tries to seek a resolution. I am always the one seeking resolution. I also have to prove to her that I do the things that are reasons for her being cold towards me, or not feeling loved by me. Every time I provide support for my actions, she finds a way to invalidate the action.

She was sick last week and she asked me what I was doing one evening, and I said working. I felt I needed to explain (can't remember if she made a face, or made a comment, or I simply felt guilty) and said I lost a couple of hours due to stepping in and picking up/dropping kids from school and practice. Two days later, I asked her if she was ok after looking upset or feeling tension. She said she felt like I was upset with her for being sick and that I made her feel guilty for being sick, and that I didn't take care of her when sick. She pointed to my comment about making up work from the previous evening. I told her I had been transporting the kids, making dinner, and keeping them from bothering her while sick, so how do I not care ( my two kids are 7 & 9, my wife doesn't work, I am in sales and put in 50-60 hours a week). She sharply replied back that I'm their dad and should be doing those things and mocked me for (not her words, mine), needing a good boy comment for doing those things. I only mentioned those things as evidence for caring for her while sick.

In no way am I an angel. I'm not super emotional, I'm very logical, and work a lot. Certainly, not a tagline I'd use to nab dates on a dating website... I don't feel like I am a bad guy, seek to manipulate people, or twist stories. I care about facts and right/wrong. I'd tell my best friend they were wrong if they messed up, and not just blindly tell them what they want to hear. I hold myself to the same standards. Don't yell at me if I've done nothing wrong. If I'm wrong, yell all you want and I'll take it.

Quite a bit of rambling. If you read it, thanks... Not sure what I'm even looking for, other than to simply vent.

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Blueberries1234's picture
May 26

you might be "logical", but partly dissociated because of your childhood neglect from having parents with NPD. SHE is projecting a lot of her trauma and triggers onto you, and seeing in your behavior, stuff her parents probably did. And that's HER trauma, but her accusing you of stuff, calling you a narc, remembering only half truths---this all indicates to me that she's experiencing some dissociation too. I think you are both dissociated at times, and will trigger eacjother a lot. The fact that you ARE self reflecting. working hard, trying your best, and trying to ask yourself "am I a narcissist" tells me you are self reflectivw person, and are NOT a narcissist. In your wife's case, I dont know if she is or not, does she take responsibility, is she ever self reflective? It seems after the texts she was, and it could be thqt she is able to process texts more than actual in person scenarios which may be mkre triggering. As you are BOTH children of narcissists. that adds layers to separate. What is real or inagined, are both happening inside both of your minds. Fear can take over, or othertimes idolizing the partner. I think the fact that you are both getting counseling is a majorly positive thing. I think learning self regulation, self emotional rwgulation, and being good partners TO EACH OTHER, both of you, sjould be the core aim you both need to commit to if you want to make it work. Being like 100% self reflective and transparent. Not accusing or blaming eachother, and both of you holding that standard. As the guy, I think it could be good for you to propose to lead thus emotional discussion. And beginning with, I noticed that you do this this ans this for our family, can you tell me qhat I do? And if she cant say anythibg to see how YOU contribute, then I would be concerned because thats what narcissists do---they are all about hurting you, rather than working together.

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