Just seeing if this is extreme to anyone. I have had so many

Just seeing if this is extreme to anyone. I have had so many incidents with my abusive family that I just want to share with normal people to see where this would rank on the scale of narc abuse. I have so many stories that it seems easier to do a top 100 list rather than explain the stories in full. Anyway I was about 21 and living at home at the time. To recap I am working two jobs, paying rent. I was not allowed to go to college because my mother was jealous. So I am home and its right before the holidays and I am getting ready to meet my dad ( divorced at 2 or 3) to go shopping with him and his girlfriend. My mom was going to be setting of flea and tick bombs that day ( ya know the D-con foggers) so she was letting me know that she wanted to leave the house so she could set them off. I am in the bathroom getting ready, I told her I wasn't ready yet, I would be about another 10 minutes. She lost her stuff , so I told her I was happy to set them off before I left. I remember her screaming at me that I was a b word etc...and I heard them leave. So I am still in the bathroom and it wasn't long before I heard a noise coming from outside the door, I opened to the door to find a bomb right in the hall spewing the poisonous fumes that now engulfed the entire area and I could see the fog raining down. I shut the door and was panicking for I am unable to escape the 2nd floor bathroom without full exposure. I looked out the window to escape but its one of those weird roofs where there are several angles coming together and not a flat surface to get onto and the tree was too far away to climb. I knew I had no choice. Now I have to in my mind map out where all my belongings are for I need to limit my exposure so I have to figure out where my clothes are my purse and keys etc.......I remember just taking a deep breath and rushing out into the showering mist and each room had a fogger in it and even the hallway. I could barely see and I will never forget the hissing of all those cans. I am panicked, I am scared, I am also in my mind the bad one, in trouble for causing all this to happen. I finally make my way down to the kitchen and this is the part that makes me want to cry for it just shows at the age of 21 how brainwashed and ruined I am as a human. I am so worried that if I don't set the security alarm I am going to be in real trouble. So lets take a step back and soak this in.... I am left in a house full of poison showering all over me and instead of crashing through that door to escape to safety I am now struggling to get the code into the alarm. I fumble and fail for my mind is racing and I can't remember the number and now my fingers are going to fast and I mess up until I finally get it right and I feel I can leave. HOW F'd up is that?? I am not running out the door for my life, I am making sure I don't get in trouble for not setting the alarm. This is the part that haunts me.....my mind has been corrupted. Being punched in the face is nothing, physical harm is nothing compared to the damage that has been done to my mind. Injuries heal, scars fade....memories get lost in the years gone by...my f'd up brain is forever.

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ToughCookie99's picture
[9185]
Dec 7

@healing9876
Thank you for your support. I appreciate you taking the time to read my experiences. I am now 49, lol...I am finally talking about this for the first time. It is so normal and just part of the fabric of my life that I start to wonder where this ranks in regards to abuse. In my world its nothing because no one deemed it wrong. Its weird because when you are little your family is society and this was just another day.

Well, soon after this incident my mother kicked me out of the house in a very covert way( passive aggressive Narc move). Her behavior was amping up and she and my step father would just make my life miserable enough that I would leave. They would throw out my clothes if they were down by the washer for a couple of days or remove my lightbulbs from my room so I couldn't see when I got home at night.

The worst part is I started seeing this guy and she saw this as her way out...she pushed me to pursue the relationship when I told her I had major concerns. Its turns out he was a violent Narcissist and I spent the next 20 yrs in a living hell with no support system at all....she kicked me out of the house and told me to go live with him. So my mother groomed me for this my entire life. So I wish I could say I learned and avoided this type of abuse but I went from the frying pan to the fire. I just learned about NPD etc... in 2013 and even then it has taken me awhile to really comprehend what my life has been, The one thing that is not discussed is covert narcissism, that is the most dangerous for overs are easy to spot and avoid. Anyhoo, thank you for your kind words...I had 20 years with an overt narc, FINALLY got rid of him and took two years alone which I loved, but got caught up with a covert, now I am kinda done with the human race as a whole. I really prefer to be alone. Its what I am good at and I am happier when alone. People have never brought me pleasure only pain. I just thought I would start getting this out now, since all my private journals were invaded by her and she took them all and that has had a lasting impact on me expressing myself and feeling I have a safe place for myself and my thoughts.

Thank you for responding. I will look into the group Mercy Me.

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[2770]
Dec 7

@ToughCookie99 It makes me want to cry to read your story.. The pain when you write it is so acute.
Some of my very closest forever friends.. who I would say they know me.. they just know me.. & vice versa.. have gone through a lot in life. They are very empathetic people.. we talk when we talk.. sometimes we connect more frequently, other times no. But there is an understanding. When you write your story, as you speak you seem similar.. I love people but I am very guarded.
I am disabled, I do very well with what I have to deal with, I love to exercise, but having a disability I run into narc-types who see me as vulnerable and think that is their ticket to treat me poorly, or that I am incompetent because of this. So I hear you.
The group "Mercy Me," is wonderful. I have that same sense about him, the group lead person, the group as a whole.. just this sense of humble people who have gone through a lot in life, over comers.. but they just get it.. meaning they have lived their pain and are humbled by it.

My favorite people in life are the over comers. Hang in there! I don't mean to sound patronizing, I just sense you have been through hell and your nature is soft you are wanting to share..
Take care. Good you are here!

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ToughCookie99's picture
[9185]
Dec 7

@healing9876
Thank you so much for your kind words. I know what you mean by your favorite people are over comers. I feel I can not relate to regular people. I hope that didn't come off bad, but I feel I best connect with those who have walked along the same road. I have a dark sense of humor its the only thing that helps me cope. I have to laugh because I don't know how to cry.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, you have been a brief light in a dark day.

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