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I've been reading through the posts and Im wondering how you

I've been reading through the posts and Im wondering how you know for sure that someone is a narcissists. I highly suspect that my husband, now separated, is a narcissist. I've suspected it for a while but after being separated for 6weeks I have a slightly clearer head and can say that Im almost certain, my family suspects it too. I told him that I think he is and he said that its a high possibility because nearly all the traits matched his although firstly he said it was me that had the problem and was the narcissist. There is absolutely no doubt that I was in an abusive relationship, physically and emotionally and there was 5 other women throughout our 10years, he eventually left me for the 5th one after I had a child. I didn't fit into his world anymore, he would just say he wants his wife back, he wants who he married back and say I wasn't giving him enough attention. I had a newborn baby and postnatal depression, I didn't know what I could do. Now I'm 99% sure Im dealing with a trauma bond. Anyway the question is how do you know for sure that they are a narcissist?

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freeone1234's picture
[6245]
Jun 13

Welcome Daisycup!
You'll know it when it fits and you accept it. I first read an article about covert narcissism on Nov 28th 2016, moved out the same day because it felt/fit her so well and it completely freaked me out. However, I didn't accept it for almost a year, because I didn't want her to be one. After I got myself somewhat together, I educated myself on Cluster B personalities and eliminated the one other possibility, which was BPD. So, finally after a year of NC I finally accepted it and started on a path to recover from all her abuse. You're in the right place , like Girlkitty says!

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[55]
Jun 13

I was the same way; feeling not so sure my husband fit the description even after hearing many videos and reading books. Like you I confronted him and he agreed BUT THEN he really showed him self. Making jokes about any relationship matter, he was never physical but he tried to force himself on me and operated like a complete robot. Once I revealed what I thought he was he used it as a pass and says that I should understand because he’s damaged. He’d already had women in his life before I married him and they were his “friends” or “like sisters”. Then he started having anxiety attacks to which he revealed that he slep with one of the friends but insisted they remain friends. To answer you question my true belief is if he does things with intent to hurt, punish, quilt, shame or humiliate you or if he is getting some sort of satisfaction out of getting this kind of attention. You may have to rethink everything you know about this person. For instance, I always thought that my husband was trying to run from loving another woman in his life but he kept throwing her in my face as if to say I have somebody to go to. When I gave them my blessing, they did nothing...it was just to torment me. He’s lovebombing me now and telling me he hasn’t talked to her which I know is not true because he done that regularly over the 18 yrs of marriage. Your husband is going to really expect you to tolerate his behavior now that you’ve revealed him...it’s quite creepy!!!!! I get so many gifts but I keep thinking he’s just gonna conclude I can still manipulate her and she’s stupid enough to let me. My goal is to be around healthy, non-toxic people so staying with him is not an option. He knows how much I love military balls so he asked me to go to one coming up in which some of our old friends would attend and that was a little hard to think I’ve gone to my last ball but boundaries and little contact are a must (little because we have 6 children).

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kelly72's picture
[57845]
Jun 13

Regardless of the label he deserves, he is abusive. You are wise to join us as you will read, post and learn a lot about it. IMO, if all the signs are there and your family sees it too, then you're likely dealing with a narc. Since he has been physically abusive, he's pretty dangerous. I'm so sorry. I know it's painful. You are so much better off without this man, though, and you will come to see that and love your narc free life. It gets way better. The least contact you can have with him, the better. Do not let him control you and do not engage in conversation. If you must speak with him regarding your children then I'd have a family witness. Do not believe anything he tells you. He is a liar. Shake the narc smuck off and enjoy your new skin. I didn't live with one as long as you because I honestly don't think I'd have survived it, it was horrible. He pushed me into a quick marriage and by month 4 I was so completely wore down from the abuse that I was ready for divorce by I couldn't get rid of him. Finally, by month 7, I was finally able to escape him on a trip and secure an EPO and take care of business in order to get rid of him for life. I have never ever regretted it. My kids hated him (and they hate no one) and thought he was a complete psycho monster. They were so happy and proud of me for besting him. I would have never imagined being happy again but honestly, it didn't take long for me to begin enjoying not being abused, yelled at, criticized, CONTROLLED, gas lighted, made to cry, made to emotionally react negatively, get silent treated and just be treated like I was an abused child. It was unbearable. He was an older, seasoned nasty narc with lots of abuse experience so he went straight for the master switch. He made life miserable. Life without him soon became a joy and a liberation like I'd never felt before. I have since remarried a wonderful man and I love my narc free life. The narc escape was in 2009 and I'm coming upon 9 years soon of the anniversary of my freedom flight from bondage. My mom brought it up the other day (she rarely does) and reminded me of how grateful she was that he was eliminated from our life and that I was still alive. Seriously, this monster badgered me to try to make him sole beneficiary of my LI, put his name on my property deeds (of which he owned NOTHING), and finance things with me. His second wife was found dead at age 47 (a slim, healthy woman) and he was 100% benefactor of her LI and she had grown children. They got nothing. He also enjoyed the fact that he bullied me into putting him on my health insurance so my check cleared for much less and his for more. They are complete USERS. I like what @Moemomma says about "My goal is to be around healthy, non-toxic people...." ....this is completely true and right on! It makes a world of difference in your own health and happiness. Detach from this monster and you will come to know a healthier you all around. Welcome to SG. My prayers for your strength, confidence and toxic free life are with you. Stay with us and let us know how you are. Hugs.

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