Is my husband who recently had a 4 month affair a narcissist

Is my husband who recently had a 4 month affair a narcissist?

Sorry this is long but would really appreciate your views. This is about how he will argue.

During an argument he interrupts me and then accuses me of interrupting him further into the argument when I’m only interjecting to try and defend myself against his accusations or to justify why I have a certain view point on the subject I’m upset about

When I’m pointing out what I feel is a wrong doing from him towards me he says “oh don’t go on!” And rolls his eyes
He will say that I’m ‘killing it’ and will interrupt me and say that I talk for what seems like hours when I haven’t even finished what I’m trying to say to him. He will shut me down this way and I find that I still haven’t finished what I was trying to say after a few attempts because he will divert the point to something unrelated like my tone or my ‘bad memory’ or my volume etc

I am frequently told that I need to take half the responsibility for whatever it is we are arguing about. That I think that I’m never in the wrong when the argument only started because he had done or said something unfair or controlling and I’m hurt or maddened by it.

He will get me to the point of frustration and when my voice starts to raise out of that frustration (due to constant diversions or gaslighting or wanting to just get my view point heard) he will tell me to keep my voice down because our son will hear and that don’t I even care about letting him hear us arguing. Why can’t I just talk like a human being etc
Our son will be upstairs or in another room.
I never set out to argue and let my son hear but what starts as my intention of explaining calmly that his actions have upset me gets twisted into a battle for which i am made out to be over sensitive or over reactive

He will ask me to back up my point and when I use something he earlier said as an example of that brought me to the conclusion he will tell me that I miss understand what he said or that it didn’t happen like that way and im making it out to be something it wasn’t

If I don’t recall the EXACT wording he used in the exact order then my point is thrown out as irrelevant because he didn’t say it like that even if the overall message was still the same.

He will say that I am changing the way things were originally said and that the tone I am saying he used is not accurate and that I am trying to manipulate the reality of what was said and the way in which he said it so it basically is all being made up by me to make him sound bad.

After I am drained confused and exhausted to the point I say that I don’t care to defend myself that I’ve had enough of his **** he will them see I am worn down and then hug me and tell me that he loves me and doesn’t want to argue. Can we make up and have a nice evening and be the loving couple that we are together.

By this point I’m too confused and burnt out to refuse.

Then apparently that’s it all sorted out

When I have at times pointed out that he done all of the above during the argument he will tell me that it is I face me that had just done all of the above to him.
I only get an apology if the argument blew up enough to the point where I might give up on our relationship then he will say sorry and tell me all the things he loves about me.

Ie
How strong willed I am
How I know my own mind
How he loves my blonde hair my blue eyes my lips bum cute feet etc

In the end the person that he accused me of being ( manipulative, reality twister, violent ) is now the strong, beautiful great mother and wife that makes him love me so so much

Is this typical of a narcissist?
Thank you for taking the time to read

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Wiltedflowerz's picture
(1110)
Nov 28

I feel your frustration as my own when I read through that. He is not allowing you to express your side of anything and it's holding you down, crushing your voice and holding you back. I don't know if he is a narcissist or not but he sounds like he is very controlling and manipulative. He seems like a person that values pointless
'facts' but not feelings (I know a lot of people like this).

My suggestion is to tell him that if he doesn't respect you or value both your thoughts and feelings, you're leaving him. He will listen if you set strong boundaries. If you are upset, write down why in point form, give examples...then tell him he has to be silent while you read him what is bothering you (and vice versa). He can jot down some notes but he can't interrupt YOUR time to express yourself. He also will have his time to state his point of view but make it clear that your feelings are valid and you won't tolerate him dismissing your pain.

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