Is he a narcissist? Please help! I dated who I think was a


Is he a narcissist? Please help!
I dated who I think was a narcissist years ago. I got out after 4 months and it was afterwards that I read several books and websites about covert narcissists and how they operate. Fast forward to now: I have been dating a guy for 2 months. He seems wonderful, kind, caring, smart, funny...everything I've always wanted. He has also showered me with gifts (nothing flashy), lovely little poems he's written, romantic messages, taken lots and lots of selfies of us that he's sent to me, constant messages throughout the day, which i have loved. I completely fell for him as he seemed like my dream guy in so many ways (although I was Googling 'What's the difference between being love bombed and being in love?' a couple of weeks in as it was so intense.

Then he told me he loved me about 4 or 5 weeks in to the relationship and has just been super lovely. I have been so happy and have felt like i'm the luckiest person ever. He has said several times that I am his perfect woman and that he's never felt like this before. I felt the same about him and I told him i loved him about 2 weeks after he first said it to me. Ive found romantic messages wrapped around my toothbrush, cards in bed, cards delivered to my house. Shortly after I told him I loved him though, all the gifts stopped, the romantic messages hardly appeared and the wooing stopped. Everything still seemed great although I did notice he was making fun of me a bit more, but I found this really funny and just thought 'maybe he's more comfortable around me now and we can't just talk about lovely dovey stuff all the time'. Then last weekend the texts started to dwindle as well. I told myself this was normal as we'd been spending so much time together and you can't maintain constant texting forever. But I did notice that he'd not actually said 'I love you' after the first 2 times he said it.

At the start of the relationship I had told him my concerns about narcissists and love bombing (not actually thinking he was one) and he joked and said 'I'm not going to love bomb you , I'm going to love nuke you' and we laughed. Then everything stopped ( I was still giving him little cards, cakes etc but nothing from him) and I noticed his demeanour had ever so slightly changed. Instead of wanting to kiss me, he wanted to debate politics (fine) and he seemed more distant than usual while still being friendly and fun. We later had sex and then watched a film. During the film he lay a few centimetres from me and normally he would always put his leg over mine, stroke my arm or leg, kiss my head, hold my hand but this time he didn't touch me, except to stroke my face for a second. It was a horror film so you might think an ideal opportunity to cuddle up close. But nothing. A few times I cuddled up to him but his body did not move. At this point I started to think 'Was I right after all? Is he now witholding affection from me? Or am I just being paranoid?'. I had told him weeks ago about an ex who had ley next to me and not touched me and he'd said 'How could anyone do that to you?! You're so lovely!'

Unable to sleep that night, I left his house very early in the morning and left a nice note to say I hadn't been able to sleep so had decided to go home. When he woke up, he bombarded me with texts and phone calls all day (he never calls, he usually just texts). He kept asking if he'd done something wrong, saying sorry for whatever it was he might have done to upset me, asking if I was ok. I explained that I wasn't feeling well and that I just needed to rest. The messages kept on coming, asking me to come round to take a bath with him, even though I said I'd been vomiting and just needed to rest. He even came to my house in the rain to check I was ok, even though I had just told him that I just needed to rest in bed. I found this 'concern' more controlling than caring (he later texted to say he'd got soaked walking to mine).

I woke up to 17 more messages from him telling me he missed me, loved me, cared, was worried about me, was worried that he was losing me etc. And all the little poems and romantic messages started up again in full force. He even said that the morning I left was supposed to be the morning we opened the 'Us present', whatever that is. Right now as I'm typing this, a bouquet of flowers has just been delivered from him. He keeps telling me he misses me. I've told him I'm still his girlfriend but I don't really know how I can continue. I have been thinking of ending it since his no affection during the film but I'm worried that I'm making a mistake and I'm being paranoid that he's a narcissist when in fact he could just be a really full-on type of guy and an old romantic. I know this will hurt like mad to split up with him as I genuinely thought he was actually perfect for me and had never met such a wonderful many all my life. And is one evening of no affection enough to base a decision about splitting up on? There was literally nothing about him that I didn't like. But I've read all the literature. I know how it works.So what I am asking you is, from what info I have given, might he be a narcissist? And was i witnessing the very early stages or devaluation? Or am I just overreacting because he wasn't feeling very touchy-feely for once? Am I being paranoid that he's a narcissist because I've met one before and have read so much on it? Thank you in advance for any advice you can offer.

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kelly72's picture
Dec 31

@LJ77 Trust me, I completely understand. I also know it is very normal to feel stupid about it. However, therapy will help you with that. You will come to realize that you are an intelligent human with great qualities that the narc wanted. You do get over that part, but it does take some time and work. Honestly, and I'm NOT downplaying your pain at are quite fortunate in many ways. Please take that as a compliment. You are out of this and saw what a complete fraud he was. I was bullied into a quick marriage, and even let that monster hi-jack my life, my home, my finances, and he was slowly (but quickly) trying to erode my relationship with my teen kids and drive them from my life. Well, I may have been an idiot for letting him in, but I was not idiotic enough to keep him. When you put me to the point of indirectly trying to make me choose between you and my kids will always win. And they did. Yes, it was hard to end it (in some ways) but it was the BEST decision I ever made in my life. I did feel so stupid and so guilty for a while for having let him be near my precious people, but I worked on it and realized he wanted to steal my entire life to make one for himself. That's pretty pathetic. Just happy now, years later, that I figured out what a fraud he was. The good thing is, you come to know these people and can spot them miles away. You will learn so much from this and will actually come to the point where you are grateful for the experience because of where it moves you on the needle of life. I have remarried a wonderful man (7 1/2 years now) and life is awesome. Dating sites are up to you, but I abandoned it after my experience. The web was FULL of them. They're creepy and that's all they do is sit on the web and fish, and lie, and fish, and LIE, LIE, LIE, same old cr@p. If you continue it, it's your business, but just be very cautious. And BTW, you can go on all you want, we're here to support you. Please realize that you deserve a CONGRATS, not a self-beating. Use your anger to move forward toward brighter days. You have this. Best wishes.

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Jan 3

@Whackbag Hi. Thanks for your reply. I did report him but asked the police to take no action. They have a copy of the letters. Should I ever get another one then I will ask them to give him a verbal warning. For now, the letters have stopped so maybe - hopefully - that is the end of the story.

Jan 3

@kelly72 Thanks again. Feeling a bit better about it all today. I do feel like I have learned an awful lot already (I practically have a masters degree in narcissism :-) ) but I am still obsessed reading about them and watching related videos on YouTube.

It's such a shame; I did ask myself 'Why couldn't he have just been that wonderful guy I thought he was? Why couldn't that have been the story?' but I realise now that they are doomed to an eternal loop of Idealise-Devalue-Discard-Hoover, that they are unable to feel love or happiness, they loathe themselves, lie about everything, cheat incessantly and cannot exist without fuel from different supplies. A pretty pathetic existence really. I know I dodged a bullet.

As for the dating sites, I'm done with them. I did initially go back on, with no intention of dating anyone else, just thinking it would take my mind off him but all I did was swipe through every single man without swiping right. My heart wasn't in it and yes, I didn't fancy any of them and many of them seemed like narcs. It's the ideal place for them to hang out. It's funny- when I first encountered the ex narc, I told him I was doing to delete the dating app as I wasn't in the mood for dating. He asked if he could have my number and even though I had some reservations, I gave it to him and he then kept texting until he got a date. You live and learn eh!

I am sorry to hear about your experiences but glad you got out and are in a much healthier relationship these days. I thank you so, so much for your responses - I think your very first one is etched into my memory! - and your kindness. Take care and all the best.

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