Is he a narcissist? Please help! I dated who I think was a


Is he a narcissist? Please help!
I dated who I think was a narcissist years ago. I got out after 4 months and it was afterwards that I read several books and websites about covert narcissists and how they operate. Fast forward to now: I have been dating a guy for 2 months. He seems wonderful, kind, caring, smart, funny...everything I've always wanted. He has also showered me with gifts (nothing flashy), lovely little poems he's written, romantic messages, taken lots and lots of selfies of us that he's sent to me, constant messages throughout the day, which i have loved. I completely fell for him as he seemed like my dream guy in so many ways (although I was Googling 'What's the difference between being love bombed and being in love?' a couple of weeks in as it was so intense.

Then he told me he loved me about 4 or 5 weeks in to the relationship and has just been super lovely. I have been so happy and have felt like i'm the luckiest person ever. He has said several times that I am his perfect woman and that he's never felt like this before. I felt the same about him and I told him i loved him about 2 weeks after he first said it to me. Ive found romantic messages wrapped around my toothbrush, cards in bed, cards delivered to my house. Shortly after I told him I loved him though, all the gifts stopped, the romantic messages hardly appeared and the wooing stopped. Everything still seemed great although I did notice he was making fun of me a bit more, but I found this really funny and just thought 'maybe he's more comfortable around me now and we can't just talk about lovely dovey stuff all the time'. Then last weekend the texts started to dwindle as well. I told myself this was normal as we'd been spending so much time together and you can't maintain constant texting forever. But I did notice that he'd not actually said 'I love you' after the first 2 times he said it.

At the start of the relationship I had told him my concerns about narcissists and love bombing (not actually thinking he was one) and he joked and said 'I'm not going to love bomb you , I'm going to love nuke you' and we laughed. Then everything stopped ( I was still giving him little cards, cakes etc but nothing from him) and I noticed his demeanour had ever so slightly changed. Instead of wanting to kiss me, he wanted to debate politics (fine) and he seemed more distant than usual while still being friendly and fun. We later had sex and then watched a film. During the film he lay a few centimetres from me and normally he would always put his leg over mine, stroke my arm or leg, kiss my head, hold my hand but this time he didn't touch me, except to stroke my face for a second. It was a horror film so you might think an ideal opportunity to cuddle up close. But nothing. A few times I cuddled up to him but his body did not move. At this point I started to think 'Was I right after all? Is he now witholding affection from me? Or am I just being paranoid?'. I had told him weeks ago about an ex who had ley next to me and not touched me and he'd said 'How could anyone do that to you?! You're so lovely!'

Unable to sleep that night, I left his house very early in the morning and left a nice note to say I hadn't been able to sleep so had decided to go home. When he woke up, he bombarded me with texts and phone calls all day (he never calls, he usually just texts). He kept asking if he'd done something wrong, saying sorry for whatever it was he might have done to upset me, asking if I was ok. I explained that I wasn't feeling well and that I just needed to rest. The messages kept on coming, asking me to come round to take a bath with him, even though I said I'd been vomiting and just needed to rest. He even came to my house in the rain to check I was ok, even though I had just told him that I just needed to rest in bed. I found this 'concern' more controlling than caring (he later texted to say he'd got soaked walking to mine).

I woke up to 17 more messages from him telling me he missed me, loved me, cared, was worried about me, was worried that he was losing me etc. And all the little poems and romantic messages started up again in full force. He even said that the morning I left was supposed to be the morning we opened the 'Us present', whatever that is. Right now as I'm typing this, a bouquet of flowers has just been delivered from him. He keeps telling me he misses me. I've told him I'm still his girlfriend but I don't really know how I can continue. I have been thinking of ending it since his no affection during the film but I'm worried that I'm making a mistake and I'm being paranoid that he's a narcissist when in fact he could just be a really full-on type of guy and an old romantic. I know this will hurt like mad to split up with him as I genuinely thought he was actually perfect for me and had never met such a wonderful many all my life. And is one evening of no affection enough to base a decision about splitting up on? There was literally nothing about him that I didn't like. But I've read all the literature. I know how it works.So what I am asking you is, from what info I have given, might he be a narcissist? And was i witnessing the very early stages or devaluation? Or am I just overreacting because he wasn't feeling very touchy-feely for once? Am I being paranoid that he's a narcissist because I've met one before and have read so much on it? Thank you in advance for any advice you can offer.

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Nov 24

@kelly72 Very true. Got a postcard today (a photo of us with a ridiculous poem on the other side). Waiting on police to take my statement. Do you think this might lead to a backlash? I just want him to go away.

Foundlove's picture
Nov 24

@LJ77 I know it’s scary but it’s better to report bc if something happens he’s suspect number one and so he will think twice before doing anything major! Hope he stops with his insanity!

kelly72's picture
Nov 24

@LJ77 Just my opinion but if you fear the backlash then he has control. It's better that he knows he has boundaries even if he crosses them. At least he'll know he's being watched and you will be on the alert. I agree with the others that he would be suspect #1 if he tried something. Most predators attack when they see fear, but most back off when they know you have witnesses. And....a poem? I'll say this again.....he's WEIRD. It's fine to give a poem to someone you are in a tight relationship with, but someone who is ignoring you after all this time....he's nuts.


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