I'm starting to get stressed out waiting for the other shoe
I'm starting to get stressed out waiting for the other shoe to drop. About a year ago my parents ended up crossing some serious lines (up to and including my mother breaking into my house and waking me up to force me to go out to eat after 3 hours of sleep, my dad torturing himself by refusing his medication just because I had a medical test and he wanted attention instead of me- just to name a few) and I finally called them out on it. My dad claimed it was all a misunderstanding and wanted me to give him another chance. I obliged, but I made sure we had something to do rather than just talk. A common goal to work toward seemed necessary to focus their attention to. So we started making wine together. Things went well for about a year, but lately he's started the passive aggressive comments again- accusing me of things that never happened or that somehow he was manipulated into participating in something he wasn't part of ever- Then when I call him on it he plays the victim because I had the gall to insist something he said wasn't true.
Recently he accused me of manipulating him into me getting a tattoo. Somehow in his head the fact that I took a literal class in calligraphy when I was 12 equated to me manipulating him into giving me the ink for a tattoo that I got 4 years later. The ink was purchased for me by my mother- and wasn't even used on the tattoo. He was not there for the tattoo nor was he involved in the decision making of it at all.
I told him he had made it all up- corrected his "misunderstanding" and left.
He had been in charge of telling me when the next steps were due for the wine process- and when it was time for the next one I got an email from him saying "I got bored so I did the next step without you." I replied with "Ok." and left it at that.
Since then he has not contacted me at all. This has happened before- right before my mother broke into my house, and I'm worried of what will end up happening from this.
I've worked on how to react when he makes fun of the way I look/dress. How to react when he tries to get me to participate in ridiculing myself. How to react when he makes up lies about me and tries to convince others they are true in front of me- then (usually) insists that I'm the crazy one. How to react when he twists my words to mean something they don't, but I'm still not ready for the wave of crazy I just know will come at me.
One time after prolonged non contact with my parents- my mom called me asking me where she was. I had no idea and ended up actually having to leave work to guide her through how to find a sign that said the street name- then come help her find her car. Another time she called me because she thought her appendix had burst- refused to call my dad- refused to call 911. Wanted me to come do it for her. So I did. She's set up to have my mail forwarded to her house instead of mine and opened it all. She blames me for not allowing her to hug me when I was 2 (because she would squeeze me so tight my back would crack painfully- still did this till I was like 10).
I also found out that my mom built shrines (complete with offerings and little plastic dolls as sacrifices) and put them in all 5 bathrooms in her house. These shrines all have my picture plastered all over it.
My father was also under investigation for suspected murder of my grandfather(his father) for 6 years. Another person ended up taking the blame- but the forensics didn't match his accounting of what happened. The person who took the blame actually came forward about a year after my dad had sold something for several million dollars. When my grandfather was murdered my dad also found me crying one time- alone in the living room when nobody else was home- and he accused me of being a manipulative little *expletive deleted*. How I was being manipulative when I was alone, I have zero idea, but clearly it was all about him so I had wronged him somehow. Part of me will always wonder if he set someone up to take the fall for him.
The longer I go without being contacted by them (I don't voluntarily call them because I know it's drama) the more anxious I get because I know it will not end well. I enjoy the peace of being away from them, but I'm also just so much more scared of what will happen. The breaking into my house thing happened most recently and clearly my mother's behavior is escalating. I'm so afraid of what will happen I'm actually losing sleep.
I primarily avoid my parents because of my father's behavior, when in close contact my mother is manageable- but off in her own dream world (I believe her official diagnosis is erotomania- she basically has the brain of a stalker). My father is a rude narcissist and tries to make the other person at fault when he is caught. Both of them are a problem and I just don't know what to do anymore. This is like waiting for the other shoe to drop- only I know it will be thrown into my face- and it's probably got explosives in it.
I employed the forced-forgetting too for so long... I think it's called detachment and denial.. I used to be able to tell my sister what happened and then the horrible event would be forgotten....I agree with alexia00, you are doing well! I wish I had your ability to handle things the way you do! I am glad this site exists too. Please know that you that you can ask for help from your friends...I know it sounds foreign but sometimes, just a hug helps.....with your family, when they become too much, you know that boundaries are important... there are other techniques you can use and you want to print it out and pin it to the inside of your closet so the next time you visit them or talk to them you are focused: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201201/dont-try-reason-unreasonable-people
@invisableme Yeah, I'm good at the denial thing. I usually just think I'm misinterpreting the situation when it's actually pretty clear to others that it's happening. I think that's probably the biggest thing I need to work on is trusting my own judgement. I've tried reaching out to friends, but either they think I'm being weird about voluntarily limiting my parents from my life or they get it but don't know what to do. I mean honestly it's pretty isolating most of the time. Even my husband things things are still repairable with my parents. He's starting to understand how ridiculous my parents behavior is and helps manage the situation, but the pressure to stay limited contact rather than no contact is still high in my life. It's such a social taboo to disown your parents that I don't know if I can actually get there.
That is an interesting article by the way, I really like psychology today. There is always really useful things there, Thank you for sharing that one.
@alexia00 Thank you. I think sometimes I suck at recognising the positive steps I've already done. LOL. You're right I need to just breathe. Maybe sit in a hot bath for an hour...