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I'm 50. My Mom is 85. 6 months ago I realized she is a cov

I'm 50. My Mom is 85. 6 months ago I realized she is a covert narc. 4 children, and we don't associate. My Mom did a bang up job telling us all crap about each other, a lot of times lies, and getting us to turn on each other so that we would cling to her and to not to each other. My Mom lies aggressively, all the time. She's on to me figuring her out, so now she is trying to change her manipulative ways. Mom's health is good by all dr reports, but she has an upset stomach often. I am her medical person. I take her to the drs, get her on eating plans, deal with the pharmacist etc etc etc. Shes had every test they can do. The drs tell me it's in her head. I thought it was her food or meds so I put all the diet changes together for her, supplement changes too. I found out after X number of months she stopped everything without telling me then told me two months later. She was feeling better and she does what she wants then is evasive and lies. Then sick again. I'm thinking she is allergic to some inactive ingredient in her small list of meds she takes. With Dr approval and sibling approval, we take her off everything and say we are going to ween back in one med at a time.
SUNDAY, I ask my husband (also a narc and she loves him...they are flying monkeys) to call her while we are driving home from church. He puts her on speaker phone but she doesn't know I'm there. He tells her I have a headache so he called to check on her. She says, "I'm so sick. I was so sick yesterday I just started taking all my meds again. I couldn't take it anymore. Oh please don't tell my daughter." The daughter is me. My H, who is a big time liar and now knows I believe I married my Mother had to tell my Mom that I was right there and I heard what she said. He down played things and told her to feel better and hung up.

The good part........I called both my sisters and told them I could no longer be Mom's medical person. I know that puts some pressure on my one sister (the other one moved away a long time ago for her own sanity), but I have to take care of me. If Mom can't get better then she needs assisted living because I want to live and take my life back.

I told my niece what I did. She's one of my best friends and the granddaughter. What my Mom is breaks her heart. She worries for me, but she too had to back off. She supported me and said YES YES YES, you have to do this! I support you!

I have not talked to my Mom again. My one sister flipped and asked me not to. She's a flying monkey btw. HOWEVER, I feel so good to have said the words out loud. I will not be chained to my Mother any longer. I will be kind but I will not be chained to her and I will do my best to not be manipulated by her any longer.
BTW, the one sister is listening to me and learning about narcissism. Our relationship is growing and this is a good thing! The other sister is in denial and loves being Mommy's favorite right now. They can have each other!lol My brother left the family many many years ago.

I am a doer and giver and caretaker. To turn those off is hard. Because of the support from here I am learning what I need to change and how she has used my qualities to her benefit to manipulate and control me to being chained to her.

Today I even wonder if the upset stomach is fake or if she manufactures it in her sick mind to get us all to come back to caring for her. It's sad we have to even consider it.

Thanks for sharing on here. You have no idea how much your stories have helped me.

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MTlost's picture
Aug 10

@Breath44 One of the hardest things I've found in life is my mom being a narcissist. My mom passed 3 years ago at a young age, but we hadn't had contact in years. If you need to take care of it. What you describe is like reading my diary. Good grief..I am so sorry. My mother was also very mentally ill. That made things worse. My mom was a hypochondriac as well. Doctor was more mental not physical. You have done everything you can. I applaud you for doing right by her. I applaud you even more for knowing when enough is simply enough. I'm truly happy for you. Hugs

Aug 10

@MTlost thank you for sharing that. I can see why these support groups are so beneficial. I felt a sense of comfort just reading your post.

Aug 10

@MTlost Oh and today I was going to let her have my dog for a few days again, but I stopped by my store first and my flying monkey sister that works for me at put a box of all my dogs things on my H's desk. I know - I work with a flying monkey and a H narc, and my Mom is a covert narc. I'm in a bad spot lol, but I did remove myself from that joint biz with my H and started another of my own. I still help from home but I'm not with him daily anymore. Anyway, this was my narc mom trying to make me feel guilty. I'm sure there is a word for the no contact she is giving me to punish me, I just don't know what it's called. And she's also doing this to make me look bad to everyone else because I guarantee you she is telling everyone I just "took the dog." which I did not. I take the dog every week for a couple of days and that just was the time. Plus I told her it wasn't punishment, I just thought with her so sick she shouldn't have to take care of the dog. That is NOT what she told my flying monkey sister, but no surprise and I did NOT let anyone see that it bothered me. Actually it didn't bother me like it would have because I now look at her as ill and I knew she would do that. SO, I remained calm and nice at every turn......grey rocking both mom and sister and went on my way. Yep I took my dog home so this meant I didn't even have to go to mom's house. I bet she thought I was going to come by and beg for her to not think I'm THAT did not happen! Happy day. Tell me, is it better now that your mom has passed". I mean I feel bad that I'm longing for that. I'd like her out of her misery and me to not have to juggle her games.

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