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I was discarded by my ex girlfriend 11 weeks ago and I am st

I was discarded by my ex girlfriend 11 weeks ago and I am still deeply hurt by the experience. I am 44 and have never been married so I have dated many women. Most ended mutually and respectfully while a few ended due to an argument so I have lots of experience with women. My mind and all of my friends and family are extremely confused by how hard this break-up has hit me, especially since our relationship only lasted 4 months. I recently came across literature on Narcissists and NPD and my jaw dropped as it felt like I was reading my own story. I cannot even comprehend how much pain other members on here must have experienced in longer term relationships before being discarded but I am hoping that sharing my story will bring me feedback on how to heal from this experience.

I met this woman online in September. We connected immediately, she was an amazing communicator and I found her incredibly interesting. Over the next two-and-a-half months I found her to be the least selfish woman I had ever met and I fell in love with her quickly. She texted me 50 times a day. She brought me gifts every single time she came to see me which made me a little uncomfortable at first. Ice cream, pizza, thanksgiving dinner, etc. I got the flu during our first month together and she brought me medicine to work and orange juice. She told me things I had never heard before except in movies. She was so lucky to find me, where did i come from, she wanted to build a future with me, she asked if I wanted to have kids eventually. She insisted I get an STD test and I was fine with that. She told me she thought she was pregnant for a few days when she was away on a trip and when I asked if she was worried she said as calmly as can be that she was not and we would have dealt with it together. I honestly thought I was going to marry her eventually after that comment. I am 44 and she was 36 so this made me extremely happy that I had found someone to have a future and a family with before I got too old. There were a few things I found odd but I was by no means going to be judgmental. She had a lot of anxiety and was constantly unable to handle criticism. She went into a rage for an entire day because someone honked at her. She had a fight with her cousin at work and went on a 10 minute f-bomb rant when she came to see me and asked if we could find a hit man to kill him. I thought it was just an over the top joke but now I look back and see that it was narcissistic rage. She would talk to strangers anywhere she went and had this bizarre way of being unable to focus on more than one person. I would be completely ignored until she finished the conversation. When I introduced her to my mom she didn't even talk to me the entire hour because she was focused on my mom and wanted her approval. she told my mom she was skinny when my mom had gained a lot of weight recently and we found that comment strange.

Her family is very wealthy and she has just started working for their family business. They paid for her to not work for 14 years and live abroad while getting her PHD. She still lives at home and volunteers and goes to church because she says it makes her feel like a good person. When I first met her she was embarrassed to admit these things, but as month 3 began I started to see less of her as she just wanted to spend most of her weekends with her family. She scolded me in public on multiple occasions not to embarrass her, once all I did was ask where we going for breakfast in the hotel lobby and she yelled at me. I went with her and my mom to the grocery store and she was quiet and moody the whole time. When we came home she yelled at me in front of my mom because she didn't want any birthday cake and I asked her to have some. Suddenly everything was a contradiction and I began to become very confused. She didn't want chocolate anymore because she said she was fat even though she was extremely fit. The first time I gave her gifts she loved them. Then she told me randomly she didn't like getting gifts because she doesn't like most things people give her and she has to pretend. She was no longer a fan of texting and emails. She didn't like flowers anymore, she didn't like holding hands in public, she didn't like music, one night she didn't like movies because she should be spending her time saving the world and the next night she wanted to watch movies again. She only liked drinking shakes she made at home all of a sudden. I asked her if she would make me a watermelon shake twice and she ignored me completely even though she couldn't stop bringing me things in the beginning. She stayed overnight at my house only once and twice on overnight trips but lied to her parents all 3 times that she was with a friend because she felt guilty about them knowing. I couldn't get her to to stay overnight at my house more then the one time even though she asked me to buy coffee for her to have in the mornings and I bought her a special cup to leave here to drink from.

She kept telling me that I was old and during one of our overnight trips she said she was worried I would be too old when our kid was 20. Then she said she worried if I could support her when we got married if she didn't want to work anymore. I have a very good job and home but that bothered me greatly. I had serious performance anxiety that night in bed and she yelled at me. This was not the first time she had criticized something I did in bed. She was extremely cold the next 2 times we were intimate after that before our break-up and I still feel embarrassed by this. She complained that my clothes made me look old and my hairstyle. She had to babysit for 6 days and suddenly I was getting zero texts a day because she was so stressed. I had to text her at night to see how her day was. We went to mini-golf and she started smashing the ball when she had a bad game. She says she does this when things go bad. She was cancelling some of our dates 10 minutes before she was supposed to arrive. There was an extremely strange incident where she texted me in the morning and said she was bringing me homemade meatballs and then she didn't show up. She said she got busy at work and would bring them the next day. The next day I had to message her in the afternoon to find out what was going on. I said my friend was coming over and she could bring them after 7 that night. She said sounds like a plan an she will let me know what time she was coming and then didn't show up again. I asked what happened and she said she didn't come because my friend was there. I was furious about this but said nothing as Christmas was approaching. I bought her Christmas presents and the first thing she said was that we were not supposed to buy presents for each other and now she had to go buy me something. She made me wait until boxing day to give the presents to her because she said she didn't want to have her parents watch her open them and she would look like a **** in front of them since she had nothing for me. I gave her the presents on boxing day and it was the last time I ever saw her. I had been walking on egg shells the entire month terrified that I was losing the girl I had fell in love with as she was a completely different person and I blamed myself. I thought she was losing interest in me, and I worried she held a grudge towards me for ruining our night away together with my poor performance. Howwever, we still had plans to go to Vegas, she told my co-workers at my Christmas party she would see them next year and she asked me to bring movies over to watch with her parents the night before I was discarded, etc. So there were signs of the woman I fell for, but they were sporadic. She said she was spending New Years Eve with her friend who was a single mom and it was a tradition and I didn't say anything.

3 days after Christmas I asked her if she wanted me to go to a dinner event with her or if she wanted to come over after and I didn't hear from her until 10:30 at night. She wrote that she would see me the next day at 3 and we could go wherever I wanted. After a month of anxiety and not speaking up, I couldn't take it anymore and wrote her that I would like her to take 30 seconds to tell me when we don't have plans or if she is not coming so that I can make alternate plans instead of her leaving me hanging on a tree. I asked if she knew this was hurtful or if she didn't care. I also asked her why she didn't want to spend New Year's with her boyfriend and why she didn't even bother to talk to me about it, thinking it was ok for me to just stay home while she did whatever she wanted. I said this was not normal and like high school dating. She wrote back that I was out of line for expecting to spend New Year's Eve with her after only 4 months. This made no sense to me as we did Thanksgiving and Christmas. She said she ignored me when I asked if we had plans because I was pressuring her and she already told me I couldn't go to that dinner event with her. That was not true. She also said New Years Eve was a reunion with 5 friends that they did annually. That was not the story she said before. 30 minutes before our date the next day she broke up with me on text saying things wouldn't work out and she couldn't see me. No further explanation. I sent her multiple messages trying to explain my message was not as confrontational as she though and she was overreacting. The next day I got a message that said she was sad because she had love and a conneciton with me but I should find someone to treat me better than her. This made me more confused. I got the silent treatment for 3 more weeks and reopened my internet dating account reluctantly. Then one morning she reopened her profile with all new pictures and had changed her age wants to under 40, said family and friends were of the outmost importance and she wanted someone who was passionate about their job or an entrepreneur. I felt like this was all directed at me to insult me. She clicked on my profile so I would know she was back online and I was so hurt that I cried all day because I had just wanted to talk to her about the message I sent. I almost had a nervous breakdown when I saw her profile. I just wanted the chance to talk to her in person one time before we started looking for other people. She wrote me one final message saying she wanted to help me move forward and proceeded to confuse me even worse. She said she had made it clear communication was over and then she said she had tried to write me several times but my new messages were causing her to panic and stay silent. So a contradiction in the same sentence. She said the text I sent was a red flag we wouldn't last in the long term but I needed to respect her not to tell me what the red flag was. She also made sure to say she didn't like having to write me the message because she does not like email and hates wasting timing on writing messages. I tried to tell her that I was completely loyal and in love with her and that is the opposite of a red flag for a long term relationship. Everything I read and people I talk to says she was the red flag for New Year's Eve but she made me the bad guy. The complaint about not leaving me hanging all day when one simple message to let me know her plans is just common courtesy. Instead i believe she has me painted as being controlling, needy and confrontational. There was nothing wrong with what I said in that text but she went into a rage for being criticized and cut my head off. I never heard from her again. I tried multiple times to explain the message until I gave up.

I have been dealing with the grief of missing her and the withdrawal of never seeing or speaking to her again when I was addicted to it. The shock of how sudden this occurred, the guilt of triggering it with that text and the total rejection and feeling like she didn't value me at all with a text break-up and silent treatment. I came across the covert narcissist literature, read how they get like this from being put on a pedestal and overvalued at a young age by their parents which has been and continues to be her whole fairy tale life. How they smash things in competition when they get upset, the complete inability to deal with criticism, and of course the idealiization/love bombing, devaluation, and discard with no closure.

It's been 11 weeks now since this happened and I still can't get it out of my mind. I still miss her and have problems concentrating. I lost 30 pounds from stress and depression. Once I deleted her number from my phone I started to get the shakes because I just wanted to write her and ask how her day was and beg her for forgiveness again. I can't believe how she was able to stop talking to me so easily overnight. I treated her with love, respect and kindness everyday and she discarded me over one message. I feel worthless, sad and embarrassed since she certainly is not missing me and also why I'm so upset when this was only a 4 month relationship. I am a type A, independent person and I can't believe how this has affected me. I have no interest in the things I used to love, I am anxious and nervous about everything now. Sometimes I'll feel better for a bit and then I'll just be lost again. Any comments would be appreciated.

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[115]
Mar 20

Do you think from my story that she was BPD, NPD or a mix of both?

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[117055]
Mar 20

@seekinghealing
BPD and NPD are both classified as Cluster B disorders. The pathology of the two are different. The behavior of NPD indicates a lack of emotion whereas the behaviors of BPD indicate an over abundance of emotion, all at once. Although there is some overlapping of symptoms, these disorders are distinguished by how they are different. In other words instead of comparing how they compare examine how they contrast. Regardless you will most likely need a professional to determine which disorder is prominent.

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[115]
Apr 1

So I'm hoping for advice on the best way to get this overwhelming feeling of anxiety to pass. My mind keeps forgetting that I'm not dealing with a rational/logical situation and desperately wants me to reach out and ask my ex why she would break up with me over text and never let me talk to her again because of one message. I know the answers, because I was in a toxic relationship and that is how a discard works, but my mind just keeps screaming at me. I've lost 30 pounds now and my skin has broken out. I can't even laugh anymore.

Last week I got my ex to respond for the first time in 2 months when i asked if we could have a conversation on the phone or in person to respect our relationship instead of ending it by text. She wrote, "I appreciate that you are upset and want closure but i have already done my best to give you that and I have nothing else to say. Please, please, please respect my wishes for us to go our separate ways.:) This made me feel ok for a couple days because it showed again how ridiculous she is by thinking she did her best to explain when she has done nothing except call me a flag and never speaking to me again.

Then I started to feel that rejection again. She can't tale 5 or 10 minutes to talk to me on the phone? How can someone act like that after all the good times we had? So I know that calling her again is pointless but I still want to tell her I'm not garbage why can't she speak to me, I did nothing to deserve this. I also have this urge to write her sister and tell her how my health has failed and I don't understand why I'm being treated like garbage when I did nothing wrong. The sister even told me when I talked to her a month ago that my ex had no negativity towards me. So I want to ask her is that is true then why won't she talk to me then? I also really want the sister to know what kind of damage has been caused to me when all I did wrong was give my love and trust.

I know contact is a bad idea. I have passed the stage of wanting to get her back but everyday I get these compulsions to write her or her sister and explain how unfair I was treated at the end. If I could get that to go away, then I would be ok, but when I wake up every night and keep losing weight, etc. I just can't stop.

Will messaging the sister help or make me feel worse? They probably think I'm crazy for not just walking away 3 months ago when she discarded me but I don't know how to let go of wanting her to explain properly how I became so worthless to her overnight.

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