I recently decided to completely cut ties with a narcissist

[205]

I recently decided to completely cut ties with a narcissist I’ve been on and off with for 4 years. I’ve dealt with a lot of lies, manipulation, hurt, cheating, being ignored. Right now I keep going in and out of feeling angry, to sad, to feeling nothing at all. At times I miss him but I continue to remind myself that he is no longer a go to. I still think daily about the other women, trying to make sense of the things he did with them and why. Comparing myself to them and trying to unseat if anything I had with this person was real or if it was all just manipulation to use me to for his convenience. It’s hard accepting that four years of me fighting to better our relationship, standing by him, loving him, fighting for him, forgiving his wrongs, and supporting him.... was all just a waste of time and was ultimately used against me for his benefit. This has got to be the most difficult thing to make sense of and accept. For years I thought he was capable of change and now I’m learning that he never will. And that everything he does has a malicious motive behind it, even the sweetest moments shared are probably just fake.

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[205]
Sep 13

@hurtingandinpain you’re not at a loss. You’re choosing to move on is a win in and of itself. But I understand how you feel. It feels like you’re losing everything. You spent years with someone and suddenly you have to let go of everything you built and hopes to have with this individual. I get understand. And I does hurt like hell, especially when you don’t understand why they’d do something so heartless. But all I can say is to stick to your heart and keep moving forward. Let the pain take its course it’ll eventually filter out. I’m still struggling with it myself as it’s only been a week of no contact. I want to scream sometimes, cry, and punch him but I let those emotions come and go and I try to then focus my attention on other things. And if I keep thinking about him I let it set as a reminder of why I chose to walk away to begin with. Everything will be okay.

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[180]
Sep 13

Thank you. Yes I hope everything will be okay. Sometimes i just hope that I'll forget the 10 years we've been together.

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[83250]
Sep 13

@Cay95 Welcome to SG!... I'm truly sorry you had the unfortunate experience of dealing with a toxic, emotionally abusive narcissist. From what you've described, he sounds like he fits the pattern perfectly. I'm very glad you had the strength and courage to reach out here. SG is a safe place to talk to caring and understanding people, without judgment. We're all victims/survivors of narcissistic abuse, in some form, in this group. Often people do not understand the effects of this type of abuse unless they've experienced it first hand. The most painful and devastating aspect of this experience, is trying to grasp how someone you loved, and thought loved you, could be a false self -- who lacked caring or empathy. To realize that the person you thought he was, doesn't really exist -- he created a house of sand with no foundation or substance underneath. That is basically what a true narcissist is -- a person with no real self, which he had disconnected from, and created a false image, based on fantasy and illusion. People are seen as objects to use, abuse, and discard once they lose interest. They need other people's emotions as supply in the form of attention, admiration, adoration, sex, affirmation of their existence. They have no real emotions of their own, and need to use people for supply to keep up the false self. They're very disordered and distorted in their thought process, which is not based in reality -- they have no empathy and cannot connect emotionally, or have a truly intimate relationship, with anyone. Most narcissists accumulate women as sources of supply (which almost always includes sex with several partners simultaneously). This is referred to as his "harem," and he tries to hide the fact that he's having a sexual relationship with them -- by referring to them as "friends." The narcissist will also accuse his partner of cheating to deflect attention away from himself -- they're master manipulators. The healing process varies per person -- but usually requires time, patience, an understanding therapist in many cases, support, self-care, and treating oneself with kindness and compassion. Acceptance of the truth of the experience is usually the most difficult aspect of the healing process -- give yourself the time and help that you need. I can tell you that there is definitely hope for healing and recovery. I was married to a controlling, emotionally abusive, covert narcissist for 30 years. The end of the relationship was a life-threatening experience for me -- but it was also transforming. I'm much stronger and better off now -- after finally having found peace and freedom. The following article by Melanie Tonia Evans, an expert in recovery from narcissistic abuse, is one that I often recommend to new members, who are starting the healing process. It is called, "Is The Narcissist Capable Of Loving?" I think it provides a simply written, basic explanation of narcissistic behavior. I hope you find it helpful and insightful:

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/

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