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I let myself fall for it all again. I knew it was going to

I let myself fall for it all again. I knew it was going to happen. While I did not truly put myself ‘all in’ this time, I still let him get to my emotions with his actions. I am a mom. And as a mom, if someone’s words or actions are hurtful to your children (not physically), you should be able to easily cute them out, walk away, or at the very least just not go back to them. Why is this so hard for me to do? Is it because I am stuck? He never apologizes anymore for the things he says and does. He belittles me and my children with no remorse. He does not come home. He avoids me and my kids unless I am watching his son for him. How does he do this? How does anyone do this? I sent him angry texts, ones I wish I did not send because he now sees he has control over my emotions. In the texts I said I do not want him here. To not come home, that I am tired of him hurting my kids feelings. It is not normal or ok for him to not ever be around them unless his son is around. To avoid all responsibility or me for that matter unless it is to serve him a purpose for something he needs or wants. I was angry and I told him to sell the house, to not come home. He response, "you leave and don’t let the door hit you on the ***" and blocked me. He doesn’t care how he makes me feel. Or that it is not normal for a child’s life to have someone appear and disappear all the time. Which to that point, my kids actually do not ask anymore where he is, they are so used to him not being around. Which I guess you could say is better than them still asking, but I do not want them growing up thinking this is normal family behavior. I was very upset today. I did not cry, but I did take it out on my kids. I let him get to me. The way he makes me feel overpowers everything else going on in my world. Even with my kids. I feel like a bad mom. I don’t understand why I keep letting him get to me, because after 5 years together it is the same, but worse, every time. Why I keep going back thinking there is hope. Part of me believes that because I cannot find a place to live within the same school district that it makes me stuck. I wrote about this before, because it is true. Why can’t a place come up in my kids district that I can afford now that I start working again next week. He knows he has power over me. That he can say and do anything he wants with no remorse or apologies and get away with it. He has 0 respect for me now and still I find it hard to push him out.

The things he said about my kids this past week. Not including them in his mother’s 70th birthday celebration and telling me they aren’t family hurt me so bad. How can someone say that to be hurtful about my innocent boys. When I mentioned having my son's 5th birthday party and he made it about his son, and was not supportive celebrating his birthday at all, and provided invalid information to stand by his decision. I wrote him an email, which he never even replied to.

He does not care about me. He does not love me. He does not care about my boys and I have known that since the night my youngest was sick and needed to go to the hospital and he didn’t even respond when I needed help with coverage for the dog and my other son. He doesn’t care. He is probably off working his new supply. He is a bad man with a very fake persona he puts on to suck me back in. I need to escape. I need to escape soon. I love my boys too much to keep teaching them that this life is normal or ok. It is not. I do not ever want them treating anyone in their life like I have been treated and I do not ever want them to be the cause of someone feeling like I do.

I am scared. I am alone. I am feel broken by him.

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[100]
Jul 11

Not physically abusive. Although the scars I feel inside from the emotional abuse feels worse.

I would love to go no contact, but we share a home together with our kids (my 2 and his 1). I was laid off in April, starting new job in a week, and my family is all in another state. I feel like I am stuck and I think he knows that so his behavior has been worse. He did come home, and like most nights, is sitting watching tv like the world is perfect. He knows how broken I feel and I know he does not care. But deep down, 4 years later, I still wish every day one day he will.

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Spring68's picture
[925]
Jul 11

You know, when you have been together and have a family and kids it is so hard...I know how you feel. I am with you.....

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[100]
Jul 11

Outside of his mother's birthday party and somehow not including my children, he was great the last 3 days. Sweet talks, went to grocery store, played family man, the whole 9 yards. But this was only because he did not have childcare and needed his son to stay home with me. Then his son left. He was then extremely negative about me wanting to have a birthday party for my son, and now he is back to being disrespectful and ignoring me. I know deep down to expect this because I have lived it for so long, but it doesn't make it any easier or hurt any less.

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