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I know a lot of you are experts on narcissism, so I’m want

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I know a lot of you are experts on narcissism, so I’m wanting advice from whoever would like to throw in their two cents- I recently was having a drink with my significant other and two friends of mine. Mid conversation he shuts down and stops talking, only to tell me that I was making him feel like crap and “snuffing his light”. My friends and I both were taken aback because literally nothing happened and we were all having a good time. I told him I felt like he was attempting to gaslight me into believing I had done some worthy of being yelled at for. He proceeded to call me a see you next Tuesday right there at the table in front of my best friend. Keep in mind he had been drinking quite a bit and it was his first Mother’s Day after losing his mom. I’m understand if that having lost a parent myself, but does this seem like narcissistic behavior to you all? I have not seen him since and told him I needed a break after his behavior, which of course he has cried about and told me he didnt want to lose me. Part of me feels a little guilty but the main part wants to recognize this as a red flag and move on. What are yalls thoughts?

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[132230]
May 19

@AIM I’ve been asked many times, “How do you identify a narcissist?” My reply was I think you mean a high-level or an NPD narcissist. I say this because narcissism is a spectrum disorder. It exists on a spectrum or continuum according to the level severity. This ranges from healthy self-esteem or a normal/average number of narc traits (we all have some narc traits as part of the ego) to the severest end, where the diagnosable disorders are located. At the severest end, narcissistic traits, and NPD, are often combined with ASPD (psycho/sociopathic traits) which is classified as a Malignant Narcissist. For example, the following characteristics are indications of high-level narcissistic traits: Needing to be the center of attention, very intense and fast love-bombing, ghosting, getting upset over seemingly nothing, guilt trips, disappearing for days, withdrawal of love and affection, and the silent treatment. It is all about the narcissist, with no consideration or thought about the other person’s feelings, needs, and concerns. There are many characteristics that may be indicators of a narcissistic personality type. But since you can’t know exactly where someone is on the spectrum, and there are great differences between the normal and severe ends of the spectrum, labeling someone a narcissist can be totally misleading. It can lead to confusion and misunderstanding. There are a number of disorders which have similar symptoms, but are very different regarding root causes. If someone is at the higher end of the spectrum, their behavior is usually a pattern of traits, and not one isolated trait that might be considered narcissistic. As we all may have one or two narcissistic type traits at times, which doesn’t make us a high level narcissist. You had asked whether the behavior your boyfriend displayed in front of your friends was a red flag. The answer to that is, in my opinion, yes. But that doesn’t mean a red flag indicates the person is a high level narcissist. A red flag is a warning which means stop and take notice, then proceed with caution. In other words, it’s a sign that you should watch his behavior under different circumstances. Observe whether a pattern of behavior is developing which is sending up more and more red flags, and disturbing behavior. As you mentioned, he was in the grieving process, and had been drinking. Note whether this type of behavior persists under different conditions. His saying, “you’re snuffing out my light,” seems narcissistic and attention-getting in itself. But if it’s an isolated incident, due to other factors, it’s not a diagnosis of narcissism or NPD. Has he shown other narcissistic traits at other times, or was this unusual behavior for him?... I have a list of red flags to watch for when starting a new relationship. I’ll post that for you below........

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[132230]
May 19

@AIM This is the list of red flags mentioned above:

From My Previous Experience, The Following Are "Red Flags" To Be Aware Of, In New Relationships:

1. Does he seem too good to be true -- lavishing you with gifts, expensive dinners, etc., to the point of it feeling over-the-top; bordering on uncomfortable.

2. Rushing you into a committed relationship too quickly -- for example: "Let's move in together" after a few weeks, or a month.

3. Asking lots of questions and personal information about you -- your background, likes and dislikes, etc., while listening very attentively; but revealing very little about himself.

4. Consistently bad-mouthing ex-wives and ex-relationships, or glorifying them -- comparing you to exes, either positively or negatively.

5. How does he treat his family, and people in general?... Does he bad-mouth people behind their backs, on social media, or spread gossip?. ...

6. Are his actions consistent with his words?... Does he say one thing and do another?...

7. Is he reliable -- can you count on him to do what he says he'll do, and be where he says he'll be?...

8. Is he considerate of your feelings, and the feelings of others?... Does he respect your boundaries, and show EMPATHY?...

9. Does he suddenly disappear for a few days, or longer, and cut off contact?... Or text or email you 100 times a day, check up on you, and want to know your whereabouts constantly?...

10. How do you REALLY FEEL around him?... If something doesn't seem right, you're questioning certain things, or the little voice in your head is gnawing at you that something isn't right -- will you pay attention to it, ignore it, or dismiss it, thinking it's just you?.....
Above all: TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!.....

11. Genuine kindness, which comes from the soul; rather than a fake persona of niceness. Kindness can be best observed in how someone treats others. (Extending oneself when they don’t have to, or have nothing to gain. This can be tricky in the case of altruistic narcissists).

12. How does this person react when disagreed with?... Does he become enraged, and react with anger and hostility if you disagree or have a different opinion?... Can you both remain civil and polite, and agree to disagree?........

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[10]
May 19

How do you defend yourself with your adult children (ages 21-25) when you have a narcissistic mother...her grandchildren.

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