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I just joined today because I feel completely on my own and

I just joined today because I feel completely on my own and have been overwhelming myself with YouTube videos about narcissism. Malignant, covert, cerebral, lovebombing, Hoovering...okay, I get it. None of jargon and terminology helps with understanding why I allowed 18 years and six kids to happen right under my nose. I feel like I don’t know myself...I an “empath”, a “codependent”? WTF!!!! I knew I was a little vulnerable but to allow someone to manipulate me. I just thought I was thick-skinned. Most of what he did just registered as immature until I realized that he was determining my worth and value by how stupid I was to let him get away with it. I failed every “doo doo test”. I even felt sorry for him and eventually thought I’m better than this person if he has to hold on to every ex girlfriend to be a friend because he couldn’t make friends any other way. Now I’m one of them. Despite how often I say I want a separation/divorce he calls just because I’m the “only one” he talks to but before asking it was how much he valued their friendships. How does a person get so twisted and the worst part is I’m the bad guy because he had everyone thinking our family was perfect with the exception of my insecurities. Then after all my warnings of intimacy he shares that he slept with one of them. Only one? Who the hell knows at this point because they’re just a bunch of flying monkeys who never saw who he was up close and personal like I did. He’s got my mother convinced that he is thebomb.com but he still refuses to tell anyone of the treatment that he’s made me endure for almost 20 years. He lives 11 hours away and has convinced everyone that I stayed back with kids for their stability but the truth is I told him we should all go and he said he didn’t want us to come. Finally, I’ve had to resort to being as ugly and conniving as he’s been to me and told him that he abandoned us and did me a favor so our distance has become a marital separation. He refuses to hear it so I had no choice but to CC him in an email to a lawyer something which they advised against. I did it on purpose so he could see that I intend to take action. He jokes every time I talk alimony and child support then starts plans to “visit”. I hate when he comes but the kids think its normal for Daddy to visit every so many months. He’s been planning this set up for a while but knew I would not go for an open marriage. Unlike some, and please take no offense, I’m done crying and feeling bad; just want to move on. He’s sees my strength and comes on ever stronger. Constantly, insisting that he knows I really want him because of how my body responds when he touches. Uuuuhhhh after fighting you off for an hour in hush mode to not wake the kids, then just laying there, I doubt your getting the right message from my body. Last visit I drew the line and after four days of smiling in front of kids and pushing him off me after everyone was asleep, I didn’t give in. He know I have no one else even though I could probably get someone if I really tried but I’m not an out there type of person. I need the cycle to stop because I long to be around healthy people who don’t try to use me or just be alone.

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[55]
Jun 13

@pickone I told the other poster that I thought we might be married to the same man, but I stand corrected...pretty sure you and I were. Better yet, they’re (narcs) all sick. I have no problem leaving my husband...wasn’t madly in love with him in the first place. He gave me a life I became dependent on and left my life behind. After helping my family understand why I ran off with this stranger and got married so suddenly. After everyone forgave me and got on board with his off-color behavior, he charmed them all. So now I’m crazy for leaving him. No, I was crazy to have married him. No one believes that I’m the sanest I’ve been. Thank you for the resource...I’ve actually seen this list and following it to a T. Thx

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[113215]
Jun 13

@Moemomma You are very welcome!... It’s just amazing that I could’ve written the same words as you wrote in your above comment. I wasn’t in love with mine either. I met him soon after my previous boyfriend (whom I did love) got drafted and went to Vietnam. I was only 18; what did I know?... I always thought it was the biggest mistake of my life. But after a lifetime of healing and growing, I’m not so sure it was a mistake. Not that I’d ever want to repeat the experience, but I can see the bigger picture now. I was already a perfect victim when I met him, in that my mother had many narc traits. She had undermined my confidence, worn down any remnant of self-worth, and made me highly dependent on her. In marrying him, I had simply transferred all of that dependency to him. He was a more extreme version of my mother; they both treated me like an incompetent, worthless child. I had no sense of self, and no identity. As devastating as my experience was, it was also transforming. I proved them wrong, and I had proven to myself that I wasn’t the weak, needy, dependent person I’d always seen myself as; and who they needed me to be. That is exactly what narcs do, they make you give up yourself, your life, and your needs for them, their life, and their needs; until you no longer exist as a person. I believe you’re the sanest you’ve ever been, because I am too. Good luck on your journey!......

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CKBlossom's picture
[441610]
Jun 18

@Moemomma Proud of your resolve, I hope you are proud of yourself!

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