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I have a fever from stress again, I literally want to die. I

Blueberries1234's picture

I have a fever from stress again, I literally want to die. I want to drop the burdens of whether or not my ex will ever come back (the non narc). I asked him howhe was doing, he replied after a day or two and explained he is busy working to keep his business aflaot. And then ignored my response and hasnt responded. I just feel like I should have my response now, he's shown me after a year broken up he will never come back and has never reqched out to me first. So the fact thqt Ive been hanging on shows me I have a lot of issues, that I still live in toxic hope. That I still chase unavailable men, who dont want me. I love people with my whole heart who just dont feel the samr and I continue to live in a delusional self-gaslit reality, believing and hoping that people who I loved truly will love me back. And they dont. I HAVE to let go. Im so angry at myself. You know what is worse than a narcissist? Because at least they have the excuse thwt they have a personality disorder born out of shame and trauma... worse than a narc is a person who abandons you, and never has the guts to tell you the whole truth, despite having empathy, and being CAPABLE of knowing fully what they did hurt you. That is much much worse. Much easier to forgive. This was quite damaging. Extremely painful. I cant wrap my head around it and have no idea how to let go. Ive lost myself again.

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Foundlove's picture
Mar 26

@Blueberries1234 I’m glad to support you and in end... you know deep down what you need.... sounds like your ex was a little higher on the narcissistic scale! I had feeling he probably wasn’t right for you. I’m glad you realize you deserve better.

Mar 30

The good thing about this is you're aware of your behavior. May I know how you've taught yourself to be aware?

Blueberries1234's picture
Mar 31

@iksybiksy I just look at situations, what was said by both people. I try to take the perspective of the other person as well as my own. I try to look at why I said or did what I did, what exactly triggered me and why. And then instead of making it about me I try to put myself in the other persons shoes and try to think of times I have behaved the same as them and tried tp understand why. For example with feeling jealous, there have been times where I just felt really good to be noticed by people. And so it reflected a sort of low self esteem in me. And I think when someone I am dating does thst too, I can now understsnd that they also seek some sort of external validation probably. It isnt about me. I just am willing to look at myself without shaming myself. I think narcissists can't look at their behavior, because they have a lot of shame that gets triggered. They often grow up in a highly critical environment.


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