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I feel like I want to quit life sometimes. My job, this site

Blueberries1234's picture
[31330]

I feel like I want to quit life sometimes. My job, this site, people. I feel like I have a thin skin, like criticism is invited by me and sometimes it rolls off but other times it stings and becomes a ball of pain. I feel like my life is revolving around narcissism currently. I keep feeling afraid that I speak too much, am too critical of myself or others, too self conscious, too much of everything. I feel like I cannot win no matter how hard I try. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells even though all I want is to fall apart for a week. Maybe a month. I wish i could dig a hole and just crawl in there until I and everyone in my life forgets I exist. Life will keep going without me and Im okay with that. I dont want attention, seriously. I just dont know how else to feel other than to know the words will reach someone. Maybe Im just trying ro find some kind of connection and not feel isolated. Maybe it's still me seeking external validation or writing for an audience. I want to sink into sand and feel the weight of the earth above me. Disappear. I dont want anything. Not reassurance or attention. I just want to say it. Out loud. Have a voice that I can use and not feel judged or forced to hide. I want to not apologize for what I say. Or have to feel like a horrible terrible person for my opinion. Please reject it if you want. But please dont tell me to be silent. Dont tell me what to say. Disagree, sure. I dont care. But dont tell me Im wrong for having my opinion. Im full of silent stories I cant say. Either they will just get looks of pity, or they will be met with agression and offense. No offense meant. Im sorry if Ive treated you how Im saying not to treat me. Im trying my best. Im so exhausted from walking on eggshells and having to explain and give disclaimers. My life is a disclaimer and an apology. Im not trying to complain. Im just trying to say something I feel, trying to exist. I dont want a right or wrong. I dont compete. I really REALLY don't give a ****. Of all the things in the world, my priorities arent to be right. My priorities are simply to try to survive and sometimes I don't really want to try anymore. Fragile self esteem which sometimes strengthens a little too much and then i check myself. Be strong but not too strong. Speak but not too much. Stay in your lane. Be free but not overly. It's a balance and Im trying to learn. I dont understand anything most of the time. I offer my perspective and opinion. Nothing more. Most times I wish I would be voted off the island. I would happily go. If I could disappear, slip into a tiny sliver ina tree branch, I would. I exist because I have to. I dont want to harm. Most times I want to delete or erase. I dont reply because Im not aware anyone wants me to. Usually no one cares either way and that gives me comfort. Let me slip into anonymity and be forgotten. Im okay with that for real. Much easier than being offensive. Id rather be invisible. I prayed for it all the time and then one day I got my wish from the person I never wished to get it from. Sometimes you go so far out into the ocean the current gets you. You have a moment of almost drowning and you realize no one even noticed. I want to be like that. I want to live for myself.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[31330]
Jun 14

@MTlost thanks <3 I feel like i need to try to be okay with not being noticed. I just need to notice and witness myself and try to let that be enough. The world was here before me and will continue to be. I like to be in my own world sometimes and find happiness there.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[31330]
Jun 14

@brookey123 Suicide is such a complicated thing. Sometimes you know people love you, but that often has very little to do with how you feel about yourself. It isn't that the person wasn't loved enough almost always. Often they know they're loved a lot. There are many different reasons people think of death. Often there is guilt in hurting the people who love them who will be left behind. There most likely was no lack in love being given. I love your bell curve analogy, that's so true. As long as you can remember that these emotions are temporary, it can help a lot. I agree, &feel like that's the part that is missing when someone dies by suicide. Sometimes the pain is too much or lasted for too long, or both. Im not there. Ive been there many times but I knew that eventually the current would pass. We all have something to look forward to in life, things can get better, but the mind is so powerful that sometimes it just doesnt feel like it. Im sorry for your loss, but I hope you and everyone who loved your family member realize that depression is a powerful thing, there is no blame to assign. Like the police said, it can sometimes be an impulsive thing in a temporary dark moment. I hope you and your family hold onto eachother and remind eachother your life counts. Sometimes a big loss such as by suicide can leave others vulnerable as well. Sending you lots of love.

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[3450]
Jun 14

Thanks Blueberries, you give others a lot of strength and I hope you can find some for yourself too. "all the adversity I've had in my life, all the troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me....You may not realise it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing that ever happened to you". Walk Disney

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