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Hi there I hope I’m posting this in the right forum and


Hi there

I hope I’m posting this in the right forum and don’t offend or trigger anyone

I was engaged to s girl who had been through 17 years of marriage to someone with NPD.

Throughtout our relationship I witnessed her and her children being abused and have been deeply affected by it.

We split up because I became so stressed and (in time I’ve realised traumatised) and started becoming angry at her. I don’t blame her for the split. While she is in any contact st all with him- I unfortunately feel all her relationships will be doomed as he won’t allow her to be happy.

One thing that really irritates me though is that she blames me for scarring her. ( her words). I accept I did a lot wrong and I know I hurt her- almost as much as she hurt me- but to place all the blame on me feels so unfair. Especially as she stated she feels she can’t takk to anyone- I spent the majority of our time together trying to get her to talk to professionals. To read up and educate herself on what she’s been through.

Even after our breakup- were still in periodic contact- I’ve been trying to support her to find help.

Last time she got in touch was s real trigger and I’ve been unable to sleep, anxious and hyper aware/ aroused ever since.

I know about the victim triangle (or drama triangle) and I’m hurt that she places the blame onto me, while seemingly exonerating the perpetrator of some horrendous, horrible abuse.

I can’t be alone in this. Has anyone similar experiences? Eventually, when I’ve healed I hope to be back in touch and try and help in any way I can. Part of that is understanding why she reacted in this way.

Thanks fir reading.


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kelly72's picture
Jan 14

@Bigchi I do hope things work out for you. However, given all you've said I would fear my safety in the situation. Just please be careful. And I despise narcs, too! Deeply hate them with a purple passion! I do NOT feel sorry for them nor do I see them as victims. Some of them...maybe at a point in their lives they "maybe" were.. but looking at the narc I had....he saw himself as the victim and made up horrible stories of his mother to rationalize his abusive, evil nature. I don't feel sorry for him. I do feel sorry for his mother. She has even washed her hands of him (last I heard). I've been 8 years NO contact with that monster and I want Nothing to do with him or his ilk. AS for you, just be careful of being in a situation of someone who is allowing abuse and too close to the abuser. Doesn't sound safe. Your instincts are correct about the radiation of the damage.

Jan 14

Once again Thankyou. I really appreciate the replies and feedback. @kelly. Thankyou. Having been close and up personal with one and their methodology- I still believe they are victims themselves and on one level I feel sorry for them. But the evil and damage they manufacture outweighs any sympathy. Thus one was married before, has a new supply and I’d abiding my ex snf theur 6 kids. And that’s not even taking into account all the others he’s duped, stressed, damaged or ruined. They’re a wound in humanity.
I consider myself a (very small) victim of him too. I just feel horrible I couldn’t make s difference in the end. Nearly had them all away. They nearly moved away from the abuse and we could have made a new life together. But I don’t blame her for her decision. It was truly Sophie’s choice. And I think she made an incredibly brave decision fir the sake of her kids. Yet- I also think it was motivated by terror and helplessness. I remember watching her 10 year old daughter- who I bonded strongly with- decompress after a 4 hour interview ( mental torture). I despise the nature of someone who could do that to their own child.

I agree about being careful. It’s s highly charged, stressful situation and she’s exactly where he wants her and them. Her new relationship hasn’t been tested yet. I get the impression she thinks it’s over and the worst is past. I don’t feel that’s the case at all. She is such a beautiful person. She has her weaknesses- as we all do- but it seems that’s what attracts them. Beautiful souls. It’s horrific. And it’s endemic.
I truly believe life is a lesson. And often the most painful lessons are the most valuable. I’m in no way trying to compare what I witnessed to anything near anyone on here has experienced- but it’s my hope that her lesson was worth the cost. I hope that makes sense

Thanks (yet) again


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Jan 14

@Bigchi With your psych nurse job, yes you should have plenty of people you can help face to face! I wonder if the "16 personality tests," is slightly different than the Briggs-Myers test.
Never the less, you likely are doing the right thing imo by backing off to reassess & take care of yourself. I've found my forever friendships when they are gone in the flesh their spirit can remain in as much as I can work on myself, they can work on themselves.. Like I say, I guess I just see it all coming back together on the other side (Heaven).
Thanks for your compliments on wisdom. Sometimes in my life I thought I was wise about this or that then God slammed me further down so I found out I was not as wise as I thought I was previously.. so I continually ask God to do more of this when need be. :)
One of my favorite sayings in the bible (among quite a few others ) is "everything is folly."
Seems like life lessons are a big part of one's existence.

The book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," is such a good book (imo), it helped me to understand how men operate & women as well.. men are very different than women & also in the way they heal from loss.
Take care!

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