Hello all. Sorry to have been MIA so much lately, but I just
Hello all. Sorry to have been MIA so much lately, but I just started a new job and I haven't had any time on the PC (I share with my parents, so that makes it difficult sometimes, but soon I'll have my own PC!)
I'm here to just touch base, to continue to resolidify my position in my life... Staying No contact. It's been difficult, especially over Valentine's Day. I had to work that day and I was in a pretty pleasant mood despite knowing there would be something that would hurt me going on that day. I tried to ignore it until I saw the flowers he (probably used his grandparents credit card, that's how he always did my stuff because he cant afford anything by himself) bought for her. It infuriated me because I pointed out those roses specifically, the yellow roses with the red tips, yanno what I mean? I pointed those out and loved them the entire 9 years we were together. I only got flowers from him on one vday and it was last year, and I got carnations, not even roses (I'm a rose freak. I have tattoos of roses. I love roses. WTF) but to see that he then went and gave her the roses I pretty much shoved in his face that I loved and wanted on a special occasion.... A couple months ago, I would've cried my eyes out. When I saw it, I just got angry. So angry. Angry that he's STILL playing games with me and angry that I let myself see it. However, there was no outward response on my end via social media, so I stayed good there...
Namely because a guy I've been friends with for a while sent me flowers as a surprise on V-Day. I had no idea they were coming and when I got a dozen white roses delivered to me, I was totally shocked. No card, but he came clean they were from him when I posted on Fb about them and said no card and immediately some friends suggested it was my ex-narc, to which I replied on the post I'd toss them out if that were the case, haha.
My first week at work went well, everyone seems really nice. I've been trying to just stay positive as often as I can. I still have moments where I cry, where it hurts... Especially seeing my ex-narc's mom suddenly on facebook when she never was before, and seeing her pop up on my people you may know. I blocked her immediately cuz I'm sure he has access to her account, just to save any problems there but he must still be stalking me somehow...
Cuz now he's taking her to florida. That was "our" thing (At least, I thought so, I wonder how many other women he told the same thing).
When I met him, he had just come back from florida after hurting his back and being unable to keep working as a carpet installer. He got a job where I worked in the mean time and his plan was always to go back to Florida once he could afford to. He always told me in the beginning he was going to take me to Florida with him, etc. We made plans several times but it never worked out.
Now that he's supposedly losing his place and his no money, I think he may actually go down there and stay with friends, and she posted on her facebook that she's Florida bound. So he's A. REALLY reaching to hurt me... and/or B. REALLY has nowhere else to go up here.
It's these little things that were supposed to be US that he's doing with her on purpose to hurt me. It does hurt, but not nearly as much as knowing that he never loved me at all, and I'm coming to terms with that more and more everyday. He's a cruel, bad person, blackened soul, through and through and I have to come to terms with the fact that the person I "loved" never existed and he's demonstrating completely different behaviors with her during this love bombing stage. Because she is different from me and he has to mirror HER now, not me... So the behavior I'm so used to is gone and now his new behaviors towards her are completely motivated by selfishness -- To hurt me, and to control her. The more I see the more he's still inadvertently trying to hurt me, the more I see the truth...
The farther I step out of his shadow, the more I see that I am the sun... And I have the ability to shine brighter and completely block him out.
Stay strong everyone. No contact. We can do this.
92 days since I walked away from him and my life is turning around considerably.
It can be done.
And now that I've seen that, I won't ever stop trying to go farther and farther!
I am so proud and happy for you...you are turning the corner now and it will only get better. xo
so very proud of you. You can do this!
Thank you all for responding. I appreciate your time and words more than you know. I know how painful this is. Im sure I will cycle back to a lesser happy time but I just wanted to share a good moment here to prove they can and do happen! Trust me, I still cry every day, but his tactics to hurt me only strengthen my resolve to starve him of his supply. I can't wait until the day that his name no longer illicits a physical response from my body. I can't wait until the sound of car doors or garage doors doesn't send me into a panic, rushing to hide. I can't wait until the day I wake up and don't think of him.... But must of all, I cant wait until the day that I wake up and he doesn't even register in my thoughts. It gets better every day. It takes effort. It takes consciously pushing away the bad stuff, but it's worth it. I kind of feel like I'm almost repressing my emotions about the heartbreak, but it's been nearly a decade of this pain. My heart just matured and moved on and now I'm just turning my attention away from the pain. I'm not sure that's healthy but I feel so much better when I cut off the "supply" to those negative thoughts. I hope everyone here is feeling good and happy. I share love for you all. Thank you for reading.