Good evening. I am new to this group. After reading some p

Good evening. I am new to this group. After reading some posts I wanted to reach out to ask for support in ending my relationship with my boyfriend. He fits all the descriptions of being a narcissist. We have known each other for almost 35 years - we met in college - didn't date - we hung out more as friends then. In those days I was such a naive young woman I would never have recognized a narcissist. I don't remember him being this way then. Anyways, we kept in touch over the years and married different folks and both of us went through divorces. We lost touch for about 10 years until he contacted me by phone in the fall of 2010. From that point on there were little warning signs that I didn't pay attention to or let slide. He seemed to always be angry and blew up very easily. In the early parts of our relationship starting in 2011 - he was very sweet and loving (grooming me). Did all kinds of little projects around my house. As time went on, he began criticizing the way I was raising my daughter - big red flag that I ignored. I just thought we had different parenting styles. After he blew up at dinner one night about something she said I told him he had no say in her upbringing as he was not her father and had not been in her life until her teenage years. He backed off as he knew how protective I am of her. As time went on, he slowly began to twist things I said, made comments about my mental ability (I am very forgetful due to the high stress job I have and now I see it is also due to the stress of living with him). He did and does make little snarky comments then says they are jokes. The pattern of verbal abuse that I have read narcissistic folks do became almost a daily thing - either by phone or face to face. Any little thing would set him off. We had so many fights/arguments over stupid stuff. Actually the argument would start over something significant and become about something stupid. If I gave into him he was fine; however, if I stood up to myself it was all out war. He told me one time he would never lose an argument. Well, he didn't lots of times because I gave in or just walked away.

It is really embarrassing to write all of this. I am a trainer for a state agency in communication skills!!! I kept trying to use all of the conflict resolution skills, communication styles, etc. and nothing was working. Once I began to research narcissism, it all made sense. Nothing was going to work but I kept trying!!!!

In Mid-April, I told him that I felt we needed to go our separate ways due to our relationship not being healthy for either of us. Huge fight with lots of twists of my words, which led to a week of almost total silence. At the end of the week, he contacted me and told me he wanted to work things out, he loved me, blah blah blah and like an idiot I agreed to work on the relationship. We had almost two weeks of peace. The first weekend of this month, we had an argument over heating mash potatoes in the microwave. He became angry because I put a plastic container of mash potatoes on a dinner plate and put them in the microwave. I told him I was done and we needed to end our relationship. That led to him following me around the house berating me. He said at one point that our relationship was septic and I agreed. That was pretty much the end of the conversation between us for several days. I was out of town last week for work and he contacted via phone and asked me if I wanted to end our relationship and I told him yes. That led to two days of ugly ugly phone calls from him - he accused me of "banging someone else" (so far from the truth, it's not funny), of being mean to him, etc. I have repeatedly told him I want this relationship to end, he had two weeks to get out of the house, and he had to have his cell phone in his name by next week. We haven't spoke since Sunday -he is out of town as he travels for his job too. I know he will be home this weekend - hopefully to get his things. Any guidance on how to handle the situation when he comes home would be helpful. I will not change my mind. I am over being a verbal punching bag.

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May 19

My situation is almost identical. It is so hard! I finally get up the courage to leave and then he apologizes and makes promises. It’s good for about a week or two then it starts again

9 hours ago

Those communication and conflict resolution skills went right out the window about 99% of the time. In the past few months, I used them and kept running into a wall. I got tired of doing so and that's when I decided to stop this mess. I am making progress. I didn't cry myself to sleep last night. Yesterday I had periods of time that I walked around the house crying so I made myself do some errands and went to an essential oil class I signed up to attend. That was nice. I came home and put together a 6 cube organizer by myself!!! I did those sort of things before my BF moved in. Now anything like that is a battle because he makes it appear I can't do them. UMM did things for myself years before he came into my life. Anyways, with all the rain we had the past week, water ran under my basement door and got under the laminate floor in my basement so that means next weekend will be spent taking that up and figuring out a replacement, which won't happen for while as I will have to tighten my budget now. Luckily I have family that can help me with the work.

This evening will be difficult as BF is coming to the house to get more things. I keep telling myself to remember the ugly things he said on the phone and in the past. I am sure I will be told that I am a cold hearted b____ for ending our relationship. That will only make me more resolved to end this.

It is difficult to write what I perceive as whining, clingy stuff. I am not like that (or didn't used to be). I hate asking for help and it makes me feel weak to do so. I guess that is part of all of this. Again thanks for listening and responding to me.

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Karinah's picture
4 hours ago

I will say - the one good thing the communication and conflict skills (fair fighting rules) did for me -- is make it very clear that I was doing pretty okay keeping my side of the street clean. I tried really hard. I did my best. It didn't work. I have a clear conscience.
It's apparent you are a very strong woman. Good for you for moving on and taking care of yourself. I know you don't like to appear as "whining and clingy". But I encourage you to express your feelings - no matter what they are! Do not judge your feelings. Do not be your own worst critic. Don't even take your feelings too seriously. They will come and go. But expressing your honest feelings and thoughts without judging them will be valuable recovery and change for you. Honest deep communication in a very safe place like this or with others who genuinely understand narcissism will bring you much peace and healing. Keep posting. We are here for you.


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