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Good evening. I am new to this group. After reading some p

Good evening. I am new to this group. After reading some posts I wanted to reach out to ask for support in ending my relationship with my boyfriend. He fits all the descriptions of being a narcissist. We have known each other for almost 35 years - we met in college - didn't date - we hung out more as friends then. In those days I was such a naive young woman I would never have recognized a narcissist. I don't remember him being this way then. Anyways, we kept in touch over the years and married different folks and both of us went through divorces. We lost touch for about 10 years until he contacted me by phone in the fall of 2010. From that point on there were little warning signs that I didn't pay attention to or let slide. He seemed to always be angry and blew up very easily. In the early parts of our relationship starting in 2011 - he was very sweet and loving (grooming me). Did all kinds of little projects around my house. As time went on, he began criticizing the way I was raising my daughter - big red flag that I ignored. I just thought we had different parenting styles. After he blew up at dinner one night about something she said I told him he had no say in her upbringing as he was not her father and had not been in her life until her teenage years. He backed off as he knew how protective I am of her. As time went on, he slowly began to twist things I said, made comments about my mental ability (I am very forgetful due to the high stress job I have and now I see it is also due to the stress of living with him). He did and does make little snarky comments then says they are jokes. The pattern of verbal abuse that I have read narcissistic folks do became almost a daily thing - either by phone or face to face. Any little thing would set him off. We had so many fights/arguments over stupid stuff. Actually the argument would start over something significant and become about something stupid. If I gave into him he was fine; however, if I stood up to myself it was all out war. He told me one time he would never lose an argument. Well, he didn't lots of times because I gave in or just walked away.

It is really embarrassing to write all of this. I am a trainer for a state agency in communication skills!!! I kept trying to use all of the conflict resolution skills, communication styles, etc. and nothing was working. Once I began to research narcissism, it all made sense. Nothing was going to work but I kept trying!!!!

In Mid-April, I told him that I felt we needed to go our separate ways due to our relationship not being healthy for either of us. Huge fight with lots of twists of my words, which led to a week of almost total silence. At the end of the week, he contacted me and told me he wanted to work things out, he loved me, blah blah blah and like an idiot I agreed to work on the relationship. We had almost two weeks of peace. The first weekend of this month, we had an argument over heating mash potatoes in the microwave. He became angry because I put a plastic container of mash potatoes on a dinner plate and put them in the microwave. I told him I was done and we needed to end our relationship. That led to him following me around the house berating me. He said at one point that our relationship was septic and I agreed. That was pretty much the end of the conversation between us for several days. I was out of town last week for work and he contacted via phone and asked me if I wanted to end our relationship and I told him yes. That led to two days of ugly ugly phone calls from him - he accused me of "banging someone else" (so far from the truth, it's not funny), of being mean to him, etc. I have repeatedly told him I want this relationship to end, he had two weeks to get out of the house, and he had to have his cell phone in his name by next week. We haven't spoke since Sunday -he is out of town as he travels for his job too. I know he will be home this weekend - hopefully to get his things. Any guidance on how to handle the situation when he comes home would be helpful. I will not change my mind. I am over being a verbal punching bag.

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Blueberries1234's picture
May 25

It's good that you're keeping busy. Thats what got me through it to be honest. Watching a lot of narcissism videos and writing about memories on here and reading other people's posts. It helps snap you back to how toxic the relationship is and really you have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps. My sister told me when i was crying, "You've always been a really independent person. Of course you'll be fine!" & I suspect the same is true for you. You have a LIFE to live. You had one before him and youll be just fine without him. He asked if you're seeing someone possibly because of what was stared already and perhaps he just is in a state of trying to deflect having to take responsiility for his behaviour or acknowledge he did anything bad and also to live in a state of self victimization. They cant take responsibility for their emotions and actions, but you can. I hope you will take the opportunity to realize that ending the relationship is an act of love. Both for him and for yourself. It hurts but it's growing pains. And you're teaching him his behavior is unacceptable, which maybe he did not learn. To him this behaviour is normal.

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Karinah's picture
May 25

@Celtic05 - It's really happening. I know it is a shock to they system. It is a loss for the dream of what you wanted and thought your relationship could be. It feels like a loss because you have good memories too and maybe you thought you'd grow old together and look back at your memories. I'm so sorry. It is going to get so much better. Your mind will be free. Your life will not be filled with ugly arguments and mental abuse. Enjoy the wedding. Enjoy the free weight loss program. Try on a bunch of clothes. Keep moving forward. You are headed in the right direction!!

May 26

Thank you for your encouraging comments. Yesterday was a very very difficult day. BF came back late afternoon to pick up more stuff and it was heart wrenching to watch him drive away. I know this is the best thing to do. And I am very sad over the loss of the plans to retire at a beach and be two little brown raisins we talked about so many times. We did have good times and it's sad to think we couldn't continue that way. It will be an adjustment to be here by myself. I am not afraid to be alone - it's just this will be the first time I will be completely alone - not another person in the house. And as much as I wish we could have worked out our relationship I know that we couldn't and I couldn't continue going on with the way things were. At least this way I can let go with a peaceful heart and know I tried all I could.

It's funny you say that I am teaching him his behavior is unacceptable. I seem to be the only one involved in his family to hold people accountable. I did it with his son over a cell phone bill and his son's reaction was so off the wall it was almost scary. Needless to say the son was removed from my cell phone account.

Today I am going out to find an outfit to wear at the wedding tomorrow and to the library. I am going to keep myself busy and in public because I won't cry if I am out of the house. One step at a time is all I can do right now.

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