This week's Brilliant New Topic: It is Thanksgiving next week y'all, where has the year gone???
November 19th, 2020


Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

I read some of the post and I wanted to cry. My mother took my life as if she was entitled to it. Everything that I did in my life she sabotaged, including my relationship with my children. After twenty years of divorce, she decided that it was my fault that I was divorced, forced me out of my own life criminally and brought him into the family, with his new wife. She decided that I did not raise my children right, took credit, little did I know, for all of the positive things I did with my children. Overwhelmingly abusive. She was willing to take my life to get the attention of everyone in my life.

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I am currently dealing with this issue after 45 years (today!) of dealing with a narcissistic mother. Her situation is further complicated by epilepsy and the toll the medications have taken on her brain over the years, but make no mistake.....she was always a narcissist. Some of my earliest memories of a child are of her telling me she hated me and wished I'd never been born. Those things stick with you forever. Of course she denies ever having said such a thing.

I've dealt with anxiety, panic attacks, and fibromyalgia since I was 18 years old. My current doctor and therapist believe I have PTSD because of her verbal and emotional abuse and that the physical maladies (including newly diagnosed asthma) are a result of the PTSD. I started distancing myself from her in my early 20's by moving out of state. That helped somewhat, but then the guilt trips started because I took myself (and later, my daughter) away from her. She went so far as to say she suspects that my husband and I didn't actually elope but had a full wedding and didn't invite her. Let me tell you that she is 70% of the reason we decided NOT to have the wedding and just elope (long story). Since cutting her off last June (I had a final straw moment) I have been working very hard on coming to terms with my childhood and my relationship with my mother through adulthood. I've had a couple moments of weakness where I thought I could email her and try to get her to understand the damage she's done, but those were met with fury and rage and mirroring back on me.

She's called again today and left a voicemail (I haven't listened to it), I suspect because it's my birthday. This will be the first birthday in my life that I haven't had communication with her. I'm finding it very difficult. Not because I want her back in my life as she is, but because I'm grieving the mother I never had. Particularly today.

No matter how much my therapist and doctor (who've both been through similar situations themselves) tell me she can't change, is incapable of changing, I want SO badly for it to happen. She is now 62 and because of her epilepsy and the brain damage it and the meds have caused, her reasoning and memory is even more compromised. This is not to say that she's not to blame. She still is and that narcissistic part of her personality still comes out in spades when challenged (as I recently found out). I just don't know where the mental illness and brain damage begin and end. Which makes it even more challenging.

She's been a pathological liar my entire life. A petty thief (and by that I mean little stupid things like taking home leftovers in the restaurants dishes, etc.) and a drug user (mild, but still). Yes, my father had his part in this during my childhood, but he "grew up" and began treating me respectfully as an adult while my mother continued to be disrespectful, rude, mean, and ignore my boundaries. I've tried getting more info out of my dad about my childhood (I don't think I have any "missing" memories, but who knows), but he's largely non-communicative for his own reasons. My mother refuses to acknowledge that she did anything wrong other than being a young mother who didn't have much support from my dad (they were married until I was 15). She keeps wanting to go back to the childhood stuff, which IS important, but isn't the reason I've cut her off. She will not listen to me when I tell her that if it was JUST the childhood stuff I could get over it. It's her continual narcissistic behavior that is the issue.
I could write a fricking novel on the things she's said and done to me over the years that she refuses to admit to.

So here I sit, on my birthday, sobbing because *that* number is on my voicemail and I know I can't listen to it.

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@green.lagoon I too am an only child of a NM. I think it makes it harder on us with no siblings to rely on.




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