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Be warned that even after you find the courage to end things

Be warned that even after you find the courage to end things with your narc they still find a way to hurt and upset you and deceive you. I really did think I could stay in contact with mine but he still seems to have the power to hurt me just as he did when we were together. Yet pretends he is unaware of what he could possibly has done. So instead of asking and trying to make things better he goes into the silent treatment towards me. Which I feel then gives him the control again. Right now he is parked outside his i starts house which is literally a few steps from my Place of work. It’s being done on purpose as he and his sister have not spoken in months. I think she is also a narc. How they they still hurt and punish months down the line

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[5440]
Jan 15

@pickone thank you I will read the link. It’s so scary to see that narcs can abuse anyone, you don’t have to be a weak person to be fooled by them. There have been times I have doubted my strength but know now it isn’t me. It’s him.
I read all the advise and believed what I read and I thought not taking him back meant I was doing well as I always knew at some stage it would revert back to devalue even worse than before. I didn’t however allow NC I still let him in. I feel like I am almost back to square one. Making that final break is the thing that pulls at my heart strings but at the same time, logically why do I want to keep contact with a horrible person that enjoys hurting me and doesn’t think I’m a priority to him even during our engagement. I’ve never been scared of being single but now at 46 I don’t want to be alone forever but I find the thought of another man turns my stomach at the moment and makes me retreat back within myself. Has he done this to me?

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[108300]
Jan 16

@Lamb18 You are very welcome!... The seeming kindness and thoughtfulness were not real or genuine. They were an act, and a manipulative ploy to make you believe his lies. That is how they lure their victims into the abusive cycle, over and over again. If there were no good times, and only abuse, would anyone stay with them, or go back to them. The person you thought he was does not exist; it was all a lie and a facade......

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[108300]
Jan 16

@Narcfree17 Narcissistic Abuse has nothing to do with the victim being weak. In fact our surviving them is a testament to our strength and resiliency. Most people have some underlying issues; unhealed childhood wounds that the narc connects to, and sees as weaknesses and vulnerabilities. That is how he knows how to push the victim’s emotional buttons. He knows that that is the way to provoke the most intense emotional reactions (supply) from the victim. This is all he cares about: obtaining supply and controlling the source of supply (the victim). NC is necessary to fully heal, but don’t expect to do it all at once. Healing is a step by step process, that each person has to do in their own time and pace. If you’re not ready to do NC right now, try No Response for awhile. This means leaving a source of contact open, like texting, but do not respond to his texts. That may not seem as final as NC, until you feel ready to remain totally NC. The longer you can go without contacting or responding to him, the more progress you’ll make. It does not mean that you’ll be alone for the rest of your life. You need to use the time to focus on yourself, and receive the therapy you need to heal the unhealed childhood wounds. Once healed, narcissists will no longer have access to your life. It is not better to be in an abusive relationship than to be alone. But when you are healed, you’ll then attract the kind of genuine, caring people that you want. It is not unusual to be wary of meeting new people soon after ending a narc relationship. You’ve been through a traumatic experience, and your trust has been shattered. You need to take time to focus on yourself, and work on healing, until you feel ready to venture out. I hope you find the following list of red flags to watch for, helpful when you are ready to seek new relationships:

From My Previous Experience, The Following Are 10 "Red Flags" To Be Aware Of, In New Relationships:

1. Does he seem too good to be true -- lavishing you with gifts, expensive dinners, etc., to the point of it feeling over-the-top; bordering on uncomfortable.
2. Rushing you into a committed relationship too quickly -- for example: "Let's move in together" after a few weeks, or a month.
3. Asking lots of questions and personal information about you -- your background, likes and dislikes, etc., while listening very attentively; but revealing very little about himself.
4. Consistently bad-mouthing ex-wives and ex-relationships, or glorifying them -- comparing you to exes, either positively or negatively.
5. How does he treat his family, and people in general?... Does he bad-mouth people behind their backs, on social media, or spread gossip?. ...
6. Are his actions consistent with his words?... Does he say one thing and do another?...
7. Is he reliable -- can you count on him to do what he says he'll do, and be where he says he'll be?...
8. Is he considerate of your feelings, and the feelings of others?... Does he show empathy?...
9. Does he suddenly disappear for a few days, or longer, and cut off contact?... Or text or email you 100 times a day, check up on you, and want to know your whereabouts constantly?...
10. How do you REALLY FEEL around him?... If something doesn't seem right, you're questioning certain things, or the little voice in your head is gnawing at you that something isn't right -- will you pay attention to it, ignore it, or dismiss it, thinking it's just you?.....
Above all: TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!.....

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