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Am I the narcissist? I am not sure if I am even in the right

Am I the narcissist? I am not sure if I am even in the right place or if this is what I should be doing but I am lost and looking for some input. So....a little back story...I have been diagnosed with CPTSD and Anxiety. I have been dating my partner for a little over 3 years. I go to counseling and most people in my life say they see huge changes in how I deal with things and how I react to things that worry me or cause me anxiety. I know I am not perfect and I know that I have a long ways to go on my personal journey of where I want to be for myself.
My partner and I seem to fight more and more with my progress. He will ask me to word things differently so I do, then that isn't good enough and he wants me to say it better. When I apologize for reacting poorly to my anxiety or to a situation he tells me that I am the only one that can fix it and until I apologize correctly it's all up to me. He started seeing a counselor, which I think is amazing, but he (on several occasions) tells me that his counselor says that I am the only problem in our relationship. This hurts me because I see my counseling as my personal journey and not a place for me to get validation on if he is right or wrong in what he says. I have asked him to go to couples counseling so that we could work on our communication with a counselor who gets to know us both but he says that it won't help and that it isn't needed. At my last counseling session I talked to my counselor about everything that I am feeling and asked him how I find my way back to feeling safe in communicating. He gave me a list of questions to ask my partner. The questions were things like "Do you feel we both have things we could work on to improve our relationship?' He answered no. "Do you think it's okay for you to yell at me?" Yes, because you cause all of this. "Do you think that there are things we could do together to work on our communication?" No, you need to learn to not feel the things you are feeling.
I guess what I am getting at is all the questions were about us, about a common goal, about growth. All the answers were pointed at me being to blame for everything. And, maybe I am to blame, I don't know. He says these things and then when I try to talk to him he tells me that isn't what he said or that he didn't mean it the way I took it. He insists I take everything he says exactly how he says it but when I do he tells me that it wasn't what he meant and that I should know that. It always leaves me spinning...I feel like I am wrong no matter what I do and it makes it hard to process daily conversations.
If I ask him if we can try to meet in the middle on something he, 9 times out of 10, responds with "Yeah, always asking me for more. Like I don't do enough to help with your issues."
When things are good they are so unbelievably good...but when they are bad I just want to run away and never look back...
I am not sure if any of this makes sense...I am not sure if I even articulated what I was trying to say very well. I am just lost at this point.

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Karinah's picture
[14235]
Feb 25

This grown person should never say anything about his counselor blaming you. You see the ridiculousness and immaturity of this... correct? Both of you should speak for yourselves directly. Anything else is manipulation. And, you can't go around misrepresenting what other people think and say. I'm sorry to say it sounds to me like he's just messing with you - head-games. It keeps you confused and vulnerable. You can't even begin to engage your thoughts with someone who does this. It will wear you down. You cannot fix this. You are not the cause of it and you cannot control it. There are a lot of videos on youtube about narcissism, verbal abuse, mental abuse, verbal manipulation... start watching them, read books and articles. Most importantly don't subject yourself to people who choose to harm and confuse you in this manner.

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kelly72's picture
[78950]
Feb 26

@lostinthismess12 @Ducktape, whom I miss so much from this site was very very wise and quick to articulate the facts. I know he would have responded to this with "you are showing the signs of narcissistic abuse when you question if YOU are the narc". I feel this way with your post.

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kelly72's picture
[78950]
Feb 26

@Karinah I SOOOOOO much agree with your response. RIGHT HERE^^^^^^! This is it! YES!

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