Staying the night at a friends house. after the husband and

Staying the night at a friends house. after the husband and i argued about his son lack of respect for us and the house. He refuses to clean his room at 18 doesn't pay for anything and we have a 10 yr old that could use the room that seems to be a storage unit of filth for the 18 year old. he thinks we run a flop house. my husband trivialized my feelings and acted like his son is a sait. this is what he writes to his father and notice how the father says nothing about the lack of respect and not one single thing on my behalf. obviously this is okay with him. my husband mocked my tears as i took my son and left. and blaimes it all on me. then the two of them seem so fine without me as if thats all they ever wanted. what do i do ? i cant live with them after this but i have no where to go.

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Jul 18

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do you have any friends or family you can stay with where you can be safe? Once things settle after you and your husband have a heated disagreement are you able to have a rational conversation and resolve things? If not, would your husband be open to going to marriage counselling? In my marriage I found that if we couldn't resolve an issue it helped to go to a counselor or trusted mutual friend for a fresh perspective. If it isn't an option to go together, would you consider going to a counselor by yourself? I've gone by myself and was able to have the support I needed along with strategies I hadn't thought of to help resolve a situation or two. Praying for safety and a solution for you!

Lizzie1Love's picture
Jul 18

I wish I could give you hope of your husband and stepson miraculously turning into descent respectful people but sounds like this environment is beyond toxic for you. I personally would not go back even if I had to stay in a shelter for a time. I think you know it's over. You will never be happy with this environment.
People who love you protect you you!
Hugs and will keep you in my prayers as I've walked a mile in your shoes!

Jul 18

@KyCalli Welcome to SG!... I'm truly sorry you're going through such a difficult time with your family. It's obvious from the above texts that you are being emotionally and verbally abused, and disrespected. It's not a healthy environment, but a toxic one -- eventually this will take a toll on your physical and emotional health, if it continues. One possibility may be to see a family therapist -- with your husband and stepson, if they're willing, or on your own for help and support for you. You cannot change or control anyone other than yourself -- but you can control your response to this disrespectful behavior. The following is an article which I thought you might find helpful -- it's called, "12 Ways To Deal With A Toxic Family/Family Member:"

"Most of us are not in a position to “just leave” nor do we feel we want to, or that it’s the right thing to do. So what do we do when a toxic family member (or members) is literally ruining our lives? How do we deal with the feeling of obligation, guilt, confusion and heartache?

It is important to note that not everyone’s family is there for them to lean on, to call on or to go home to. Not every family is built on the premise of interconnectedness, support and stability. Sometimes family simply means that you share a bloodline. That’s all. Some families build you up and some suck your energy dry.

There are relationships and friendships that just aren’t fixable—this includes family. There are situations that you can endure for only so long before you’ve outgrown them. There may come a crucial time when you have to separate yourself from your family in order to do what is best for you and possibly for them.

In many respects, the way we were treated by our family ends up being the same treatment we offer the world.

Often times the signal and energy we put out into the world is similar to or exactly what we have experienced by others. And for most of us, this influential force has been our family. Think about it. Think about just how much the interaction, or lack there of, from our family, sets the tone for the quality of energy we give off during our lifetime.

What is unacceptable treatment?

Rejection, abandonment, not taking the time to get to know you or to be in your life, making you feel unwelcome, someone being competitive or hypercritical of you, pressuring or forcing you to be someone you are not, blaming, ostracizing, manipulating, belittling, neglecting and abusing you…the list goes on and on and on. These types of experiences can make a deep imprint on our hearts and inhibit our ability to react without them being present in the back of our mind’s. Our reactions to life become skeptical, doubtful, fearful and we more often see the dark instead of the light in both people and situations.

These negative experiences can jade us for a lifetime, unless we learn to do whatever it takes to get ourselves into a positive nurturing environment and replace negatively influenced reactions with positive ones.

What are the signs indicating that you could use a break or change?

-Your own health and mental well-being is damaged
-You feel emotionally, physically and/or spiritually injured
-The relationships with your immediate family/spouse/partner is suffering
-There is violence, physical and/or emotional abuse
-There is substance abuse
-There are constant struggles for power
-There is unnecessary distrust and disrespect
What to do, how to get out…

1. Get group help. If it’s possible and your family/family member is up for it, get counselling.

2. If it’s possible move out. Move in with a friend, your partner, an extended family member. Get to a place where people want to be with you, try to move into a nurturing environment.

3. Accept your parents or family member’s limitations. Know that you don’t have to repeat their behaviour. You are not them.

4. Allow yourself to get angry. Use it productively. Exercise. Do sports. Use art and creative expression. Write in a journal. Don’t withhold your emotions.

5. Seek guidance for yourself. Talk to someone, a counsellor, a life coach, your yoga teacher—anyone who will listen, someone you feel comfortable with. Ask for help with change and with taking risks.

6. Limit your time. Do whatever it takes to limit the amount of time you have to spend with the toxic family/family member. Limit visits, holidays, do what you can to prevent as much conflict as possible.

7. Set healthy boundaries. Try to not allow yourself to get sucked back in. You can love and wish them the best from a distance.

8. Learn ways to protect yourself. Practice meditation. Learn to be patient with yourself and others.

9. Become aware of yourself. Observe your reactions. Become more self-aware in order to break negative patterns as much as you can.

10. Practice doing good things for yourself. Do things that build self-esteem. Do things you enjoy. Invite others that love you along.

11. Create balance in your life. Take care of yourself physically and eat a balanced healthy diet. Be aware and be cautious of things you may do compulsively (eating, shopping, drinking, etc)

12. Take charge of your life and your happiness. Don’t wait for others to give it to you.

Is it wrong to hold grudges (is life too short)?

Letting go can prove to be more helpful (even life saving) than grasping at toxic strings, looking for what ifs or chasing disillusioned beliefs. At the end of the day, we are all certainly in this together, but each of us have an honest obligation to do what is best for ourselves. You can be a lantern of hope, you can lead by example but you can’t force anyone to change."

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