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When men say they watch game of thrones (violent sexualized

Blueberries1234's picture
[56035]

When men say they watch game of thrones (violent sexualized things), Im instantly turned off and no longer want to speak with them. Just wondering if any men exist who don't enjoy those things. I dont want to control anyone, change anyone, but I just want to protect myself. I know myself, I can't change this about myself I know this. It really upsets me. But I feel hopeless.

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[1035]
May 2

@Blueberries1234 When you say it's at the core of your ability to trust someone, i think you mean that you need respect and devotion in a relationship. If you talk to a guy about it, it's best to say what you want/need and spell out what that would look like. Its best to say little about your abilities, viewpoint and past because they can easily turn that around on you.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[56035]
May 11

@HopeJoy Thats a really good way to put it. Im also trying to think up questions I can ask someone to get to know more about them, so that tgey cant pretend to like the same stuff I like or try to lie to me. I feel really uneasy at present. What are good signs of respect and devotion? I suppose I can just ask fhe person what they are looking forcurrently, and what a relationship looks like to them (committment, loyalty, respect). I really appreciate your comment it made me think. And I DO attract people with low self esteem. Not sure why. Maybe like attracts like. Maybe people sèe me as a weak target, meek, someone who is eager and therefore you can blow me off. Each person I dated had low self esteem in some way. Usually in their appearance or perceived themselves as being unattractive. My last ex who was not a narcissist, his friends seemed to hint I was more attractive than him. His ex was extremely attractive. My narc ex his previous partner was also pretty, but very strange, and this current person Im going on ciffee dates with also had a very atrractive ex, but he is pretty good looking himself. So Im not sure.... either all men have low self esteem regarding looks, or I allow people qith low self esteem to stick around. I tend to have empathy and set the bar very flexible. Im willing to accept anyone so long as they're a "good person" and loyal to me. But they arent really loyal, they kind of just blow off my needs abd I delude myself into thinking they will chanfe or Im not seeing them correctly. I make excuses hahaha It's ridiculous.

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[1035]
Jun 24

@Blueberries1234
I like your idea of asking the person what a relationship looks like to them, it would be interesting and most people are happy to talk about their expectations. I would ask questions like that after the guy has suggested a r/s, because most guys won't value the opportunity if a girl puts themselves out there first.
I think the best sign of respect is how the person talks about other people on the first date, especially his mom. On the other extreme, if he flatters people it will be difficult to feel like he's devoted to you. If he's initiated the date, and his head turns for someone else he is not expecting to devote himself. A sign he could be devoted is showing genuine interest in you as a person (even if he's shy), and doesn't look you up and down right away or stare a lot, that's a clue he is superficial and the commitment will be too. he will not talk about peoples looks or compare people to celebrities. He will compliment your personality or accomplishments before he compliments your looks, and it will be unique to you. Any talk about exes would be strictly factual.
One important thing for attracting a devoted man, is dressing relatively modest and wearing what fits our personality vs calling all the attention to appearance.
Social media is a great place to see where his priorities lie in this area. If his friends are mostly coworkers and family members, that's a good sign. If it looks like he's friends with a lot of people who use their social media mainly to exploit their looks, he is not mature in this area.
Emotions go up and down throughout a relationship, so character traits are not always reliable for things like loyalty. Respect and devotion are maintained with boundaries. People mature as they realize they have to. As long as you know your limits and understand exactly what you're standing for, its worth giving a few chances to some people.
Low self esteem is a result of porous boundaries, and lack of gratitude. when his partner holds a standard he is going to think that's controlling and will spin their values and strengths around. The best thing to do in this situation is to recognize the low self-esteem is his problem and continue being gently assertive, a guy like this can learn to value the r/s over time if the partner is consistent and patient.
i think it's smart and healthy that you have some standards about loyalty, respect, what you watch on TV, who you will date.

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