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my mom wanted to see me on video call today, and as soon as

Blueberries1234's picture
[54455]

my mom wanted to see me on video call today, and as soon as she came on she was smiling, but the way I saw her smiling, all I thought of was that that is a narcissist smile. Her gestures, everything... EVERYTHING made me go from smiling to becoming flat in my voice, tone, facial expressions, everything. She asked how I am and I just said Im fine, nothing different the usual. She asked me" so enjoying your coffee?" and all I heard was the guilt trip. She said she hadnt eaten anything, knowing I had just bought food. This was all in 3 minutes. Then she asked me if I wanted to see her office area, and I said sure and i didnt look excited because all I could think was look how she is showing off, all I could see was her ego, even though Im proud of her. And she saw my lack of excitement and said,"you don't HAVE to if you don't want to" And I instantly replied "Okay cool, bye!" and walked away to my room. And Im sorry to my sister who then had to makd her feel better and stuff while I hid in my room safe, away from her games. Away from her trying to toss me breadcrumbs of "the privilege to get to see her work space as a token of her love". Covert contracts. I know them so well. And people ask me what is my ptsd, and I cannot verbalize it or explain it. I cannot. They will not understand. I cannot explain it. I cannot tell them that the trigger makes me want to die. The flashbacks are emotional, of me wanting to be dead. How do you explain that? No one will understand that. I dont have nightmares. My nightmares happen in my waking moments. Maybe it's all in my head.

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[16540]
Jun 27

@jim111 You and I have very vivid imaginations
Lol.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[54455]
Jun 29

@Cheatos I have a degree in psychology, and I didn't realize my mom is a narcissist at all during it. I think narcissism was mentioned in ONE chapter, and had maybe 3 questions on a test. That's all. My PSYCHIATRIST doesn't even believe me. He said that my mother had depression after giving birth. He told me he thinks I have OCD, or ADHD. So no, I don't think Psych courses alone are enough for people to understand how to heal and understand this specific trauma *unless* they specialize in this area. Then theyll be able to know what "animal" it is, based on the patterns you can see in the victim. It is complex ptsd you get, after chronic exposure to covert emotional abuse and abandonment. For me this was 20 years in the making from my mom. I finally had a breakdown where I literally got a fever from the shock of my reality completely falling apart, and I had no one. I just sat in my room bewildered, complete panick attack, split from reality, and cried. I can't forget that, no one will know or understand, because psychological torture cannot be surpassed. Ive been through everything except physical violence with my mom. She's thrown stuff, hit herself, grabbed my arm. They are deeply damaged individuals, because to make a narcissist you need two ingredients: Be put on a pedestal which simultaneously shamed, chronically over time, especially as you are younger childre when your personality is still forminh. That is not to say that people can't behave as a narcissist, but to have this disorder means the underlying personality structure is narcissistic. This means that their trauma is so deeply engrained, that they have a hard time seeing things from other people's perspective, and therefore a lack of empathy. This is because they cannot face their own pain and the way I see it is if you can't face your own pain, or anything that would make you face the low selfesteem you have, you run from that. You blame the other person that theyre the problem, and all the while you refuse to look at yourself. And when you are jn a relationship with a narcissist, you firstly HAVE to emotionally abandon yoursrlf just like they do. As an empath you are willing to abandon your version of events, to put the narcissist's needs first. For example, my mom is upset and I know I love her. So my instinct is to comfort her. However, over time she comes to expect this (and rely on it as narcissists cannot self soothe) and so mom will progressively continue to complain until someone runs to comfort her, or she will explode anytime. As a child you learn that your mom will scream abd yell, so now not only are you empathetic, you are also avoiding punishment that can occur anytime. It is this time-contingency that keeps you hooked, and creates the trauma bond. The hot cold push pull, the not knowing when theyll love or abandon/abuse you. But to be part of this dynamic REQUIRES fhat a person abandons their own emotions and needs, self care, to care for the narcissist out of fear. Sometimes "taking care" of someone can be done out of fear. This fear response is called "fawn", lesser known butthe main ones are fight, flight, or freeze. Fawn is dismissed even by scientists, but trust me, through experience I 100% believe a fawn response should be included, even if it is higher order rather than primal.

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Blueberries1234's picture
[54455]
Jun 29

@Cheatos I hope you continue focusing on yourself, make sure you actively make time for happy memories. Thats what brought me the greatest healing: spending ime with myself and normal well adjusted people, laughing and joking and being silly. Peace is a great way to let time wash away the past. That and coupled with looking at the pain as it comes up. Letting go of wanting other people to love you, at the expense of your own needs and wants. And allowing the narcissists to be themselves as they are, too. Because no one has ever accepted a narcissist as they are, and said it's okay. Thats why they wear a mask, they believe they are bad and unworthy. Wishing you and your kids so much love.

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