Newest Blog is out, Support is Necessary!!!
Make sure to click READ MORE to see the full article. -SG
https://www.supportgroups.com/blog/support-is-necessary or click BLOG on the GREEN menu bar

I have this feeling of not being good enough. Of boredom wit

Blueberries1234's picture
[53045]

I have this feeling of not being good enough. Of boredom with myself. Even if I had a perfect boyfriend, I would obsess over losing them or trying to control them anyways. So whats the point honestly. Narcissists provide the perfect target they keep you endlessly entertained through misery. I need something external to make me feel better or worse... feel anything. Feel okay. Feel like I have a purpose. Someone to project my happiness and unhappiness onto. F this. Why cant I just embrace peace instead? thank god for this support group to write to. It's just a pseudo connection, but at least it's helping me out of the hole rather than deeper into it. Art is the only thing that helps. Writing, poetry, sketching. I go deep then get bored of going deep. Then I draw a crepe feeling crepey (cra ppy) get it? awful jokes. Im thankful for art. What are you thankful for? we got this.

Comment
 30
View 27 More Comments
[445]
May 28

@Blueberries1234 I just dont seem to want to do anything, like I have given up.
One minute I feel strong enough to do the No contact, then I'm a mess panicking that he will think I dont care and move on.
I can so relate to your original post about being bored with myself, and I wonder if that will ever change? I mean am I destined to be with one of these people?
I'm so lonely and that scares the He!! out of me. I know I sound like I dont want to help myself, and there are days where i do, but they are vastly outnumbered with the days of me just wanting things to go back to the way they were.
From reading comment and advice from all of you i take it you are all from the USA?, I myself am from Ireland and counselling or therapy just isnt as readily available as it is to you guys, so it really isnt an option for me. This group is all I have, and I constantly worry that I am burdening people if I post in here.
I am a childminder, I look after 7 children plus my own , but even that is losing my interest as all I am wanting is for my old life of being with him. I'm so sorry

show more ⇓
Reply
Blueberries1234's picture
[53045]
May 30

@BB2710 You don't need to apologize at all. This post I made was a bit excessive and extreme. You aren't "destined" to be with a narcissist always. I promise. You just have to heal yourself, look at your own behavior and focus on where it comes from. Become curious about it, and figure out how to change your reaction to it. For instance if you feel like you can't go no contact, and you think "what if he thinks... " then look at that. Expand on it. Write about it and explore it here. This is a safe place. The more you write and explore and notice patterns others also have, you will become aware of it. Once you are AWARE of yourself as you are experiencing these patterns, in essence you wont be able to fool yourself. It wont be compulsive anymore. One thing that helped me stop chasing my ex, was I realized how BAD for him it was when I tried to help him all the time. It prevented him from having to rely on himself , it made him dependent on me and actually made him think he wasnt good enough and couldnt function and needed others. Thats not real love. Real love tells you you can do it on your own, real love says Im here to listen but you are the one who decides what to do based on yourself. That was how I controlled. Really I was acting out of fear in thar relationship. I knew he didnt really love me, he was a narcissist and really couldnt... he didnt see me he only saw himself becIse he was in pain always. He had no space in his mind to even care how I was. So in my case I was just honest with him. Literally. I told him all of this, how I was enabling him and we are enablkng eachother in codependency. And guess what? He just asked for space and we might write happy birthday but because I no longer FEED his ego, I simply say wow thats great Im so happy for all this progress youve made" he just leaves feeling happy, I dont have a need to help, and it's way healthier. The same with my mother. i just say "I think when you're afraid of the future, you miss the present" or I tell her "good job for not participating in the family gossip". And honestly it's working. Keep it neutral. Keep your boundaries strong. But it comes from a place when you are willkng to let go and no longer codependent. When you dont want to control anyone anymore. Well thats what worked for me. Uou are responsible for your own healing. :) I recommend ekhart tolle, and youtube videos "vital mind psychology" on narcissism recovery (toxic empaths). You can do it. Everytime you want to give to someone or reach out, go ahead and do somethinf for yourself you love. Leave the phone home, and take yourself out for coffee with a book or something like that. Reacquaint yourself with you.

show more ⇓
Reply
Blueberries1234's picture
[53045]
May 30

@BB2710 I also think what you're describing is a state of helplessness, and the panick... it's all part of ptsd. It might really help you if you learned to calm down your fight or flight /freeze/fawn response, triggered from the fear of abandonment or other things. For that it is helpful to engage muscles, soothe with hot baths/showers, massage oils, make sure you eat proteins in the morning, and learn to eat healthy. Also doing yoga, (youtube beginner videos). It REALLY helps to loosen and relax the muscle tension. Youll be surprised how different you feel. How much tension and stress we store in our bodies without realizing, and it is connected to the brain. It causes another kind of pain that we dont realize and makes it harder to process trauma. Focus on you, dont feed the fear of "what are they doing? Are they abandoning me?" etc.

Reply

Login or Register

You are visiting Support Groups as an anonymous user.

Please consider joining our community and gain access to additional features by

registering or logging into your account