Need advice, I separated from my husband for more than a yea

Need advice, I separated from my husband for more than a year and am sick of going over in my head to if I am to blame for the breakdown..I am definitely not perfect and know there are things I could have done better. My ex was always very defensive, could never have a conversation about anything without him getting angry especially if I didn't agree, there are so many things I could say but to methe worst is the constant comments he makes, snide remarks and name calling which is constant. I tried talking about how he was feeling, what made him upset, I tried ignoring his bad behaviour and in the end I got angry myself which is my greatest regret because it gets used against me saying I'm the reason he says the things he says, I'm the one who gets angry, I'm the one who causes the drama and the reason he reacts..I've done so much research to try and get some answers and deep down I know he is abusive but for me I feel I need to know it wasn't my fault..he is a very heavy drinker and he says I tried to change him (which is slightly true because his drinking did affect us as a family and it did make him so volatile) my self and my children felt we were walking on egg shells constantly.. he has called me every name u could think of, broken my belongings, not allowed me to walk away when he was in a rage...he says that his friends all know what I'm like, no one likes me, he constantly puts posts on fb that are complete lies and it upsets me to see people incouraging his behaviour (he always deletes these posts within hours) this used to bother me more as I was always worried that people would believe him but I have a lot of people tell me how wrong that is which has been very helpful in understating..this is such a short run down of what Iand my kids have dealt with..I guess what I'm wanting know if it's normal to feel there was something I've done or more I could've done to make things better..also how to move on from here and trust that I've done the right thing..thanks

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[265]
May 19

REALLY new for me too!!

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[63990]
May 19

@Scout49 it is good finding myself again. I also like the lack of anxiety

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StillStandingMF's picture
[31330]
May 19

I don't know you or your spouse but odds are you did everything you could. When a person projects their BS off onto someone else and refuses to accept responsibility for the part they contribute, there is really nothing you can do. I swear I think you and I were married to the same guy!! I finally stopped slamming my head against the brick wall and sacrificing myself on his alter because it wasn't changing a thing, and in fact, I think I was enabling him to continue unchecked. I know it's hard but sometimes you have to walk away to save yourself and in this case, your kids. They need at least one parent to provide them with a stable, loving home....tag, you're it! It'll take some time to heal but you can do it...just believe in yourself and don't get caught in the trap of beating yourself up. :-)

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