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I do have a son and (cue cliche) he's truly the light of my

I do have a son and (cue cliche) he's truly the light of my life. I wanted him to have a little sibling about two or three years younger. I had talked about it with my partner for months, planning and saving. We even had a name for if it was a girl, since we never knew the gender the first time and wanted to be prepared either way.

I got pregnant in August 2017, but my partner's grandma (with whom he was very close) got really sick and they were calling in the family. I didn't tell him because 1)I didn't want to take away from the family's grieving, 2)I knew that she would be devastated to know that she was going to miss meeting one of her great-grandbabies, and 3)I wanted to do one of those awesome reveals where I surprise him with the news in some epic way (I kinda just dropped the news of the first pregnancy on him and I wanted a better memory for the second).

I've always been very intuitive, and after experiencing pregnancy once, I knew the exact day of implantation. August 25th. For two weeks, I felt this awesome glow. I was the epitome of motherhood. I felt my baby's energy in my womb. I felt her. My son did too. He would kiss my lower belly or rest his hand there while we were sitting together. He had never done that before. Or since. I kept catching my hand resting there or protecting it without meaning to. I was so happy. My baby girl was coming.

September 7th, his grandmother passed. And so did my baby.

Everyone around me was mourning a real, live woman who had been a central part of their family. I went to the funeral, supported my SO and his family. But the whole time, I was dying inside, mourning this little clump of cells that nobody but me and my toddler (not even verbal yet) knew existed.

As their grieving settled, mine worsened. I was a very active stay-at-home mom before, but got to the point of only leaving the couch to feed, change and bathe my son. I would sleep when he slept, which is several hours more than my norm. I would cry anytime he wasn't around to see, although he caught me once or twice.

I felt terrible. I was so selfish! How can I sit here feeling sorry for myself and this non-existent child when I had a beautiful boy right here in my arms, when others were grieving a real person? I didn't tell anyone because what would be the point?
Why would I pull them down too?

After another two weeks, I was spiraling so bad, I finally told my SO. He let me cry and I had about half an hour of rambling and crying before he pointed out that I didn't know for sure. I hadn't missed a period yet, so hadn't taken a test. And it was just a clump of cells anyway, so what's to miss? Anyway, maybe it wasn't the right time... I knew. I f***ing knew. He can't understand, and that's fine. Just know that it was real to me and that my pain and depression is real. When I stopped crying, he turned on the tv and that was that. The next day, he was looking at the collection of nudes from local girls that he'd swore he'd deleted. I snapped and we split. Whatever, anyway....

I went to my gyn to keep my records updated and all and she just acted like I was crazy and wasting her time. I started birth control, since I'm now single, but it caused me to bleed for 11 straight weeks. Between that and the fact that my milk production had reactivated (I had only stopped nursing about a month or two before all of this), I had a daily reminder that I wasn't pregnant. That she wasn't coming after all. It seemed so cruel that my body would tease me like that. I quit bc and everything finally stopped.

So now I'm a single mom, had to get a job that is 12 hour night shifts to fit the split custody arrangement. I don't mind working, I don't really know what to do when my son isn't with me on weekends anyway. But it leaves me exhausted all week when I do have him.

The grief comes and goes. I would be 27 weeks today. My due date would have been May 13, which just happens to be Mother's Day this year. There are a couple of other girls who were pregnant around the same time. I'm not close enough to them to have to see them in person, but they're now far enough along to post their sonograms and do their live gender reveals on fb. I don't get mad or jealous anymore, but it just reminds me and it hurts.

The only people who know the whole story are my sister and my best friend, but neither have or want kids. They've been very supportive, but I know they can't fully understand and I stopped talking about it because I know it's getting old for them and they have their lives and problems too. So, I wanted to tell the story somewhere, to someone who would understand.

I don't care what anyone says. This happened and was a real loss. I refuse to call it a chemical pregnancy, because that is far too cold for the immense joy, and then immense sadness, that I felt. I don't understand why. I don't believe everything happens for a reason or some divine purpose. Sometimes things just happen. I truly don't believe I did anything wrong to cause it, although it took me a couple months to figure that out.

I don't know. I'm rambling, but I had to get it out. I've read other posts and they've helped me to know I'm not alone. I hope this helps someone else too.

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Feb 15, 2018

I don't think you ever stop thinking about it. I know I continue thinking about the baby I lost and it's been quite awhile. Each year, it gets harder emotionally around the time that I lost the baby. I always think about the "what ifs" or what that child may have been like today. Maybe the dreaming and the feelings during this time are my way of acknowledging what happened, the hopes and dreams I had, and then also the acceptance of what happened. Whatever it is, I do think about that child and I don't think it will ever go away. However, I promise you, the hurt does fade in time. It won't always be as intense. Like I said, go ahead and cry. Crying is very healing for the body and soul! There's no reason to keep it in. When we try to stuff our feelings and not acknowledge them, they don't go away, they just come out sideways in different ways! I'm sorry that the baby's father wasn't the support you needed at the time and that he didn't understand why you were feeling as you were. I think guys find it more difficult to understand why we are so emotional when a baby has been lost, because they have not bonded with the pregnancy or the baby. They haven't been dreaming about what the future holds with that child as much as we have. I know my husband did not take it nearly as hard as I did. He did what he could for me, but the impact on him was not the same. I've learned to accept that how he reacts to situations is so much different then how I do, and that's ok. We process life differently, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love me or doesn't care about my well being. It just doesn't effect him the same. Maybe that's how it was with your SO and the situation. I know you would have preferred more support and understanding from him, but maybe you just have to chalk it up to different personalities and emotional processes and extend him some grace in the situation. Thanks for checking back in. I will continue to pray for you!

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Feb 15, 2018

Talk about a lot of trauma in a short amount of time! I know it doesn't seem like it now but it does get better after divorce. The miscarriage starts to hurt a little less everyday but even many years later I still can't talk about it without crying or if a show has a person who has had a miscarriage I cry like a baby. I had three one before each of my children and I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. Guys don't grieve like women do and it isn't their body going through the changes. The excitement of a new baby and waiting to meet them and then being let down when it doesn't come. I think the best thing anyone ever said to me and it was my sister who said it but she said you have a right to grieve and I hope everyone on here who has been through this horrible experience knows that they have a right to grieve because even though you didn't get to see them face to face you still lost someone very important to you and you all of you have the right to grieve! People who have not experiences this do not know what to say and say some of the stupidest things. I hope you find happiness you deserve it after all this pain and please give yourself permission to grieve because you have the right no matter what anyone else says.

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Feb 19, 2018

I'm so sorry for your loss things do happen and they arent always easy but in the end just remember that you'll eventually have your rainbow baby and you will feel filled although us as mothers never forget our children that were to beautiful for this world just thank god that your baby didn't suffer in pain


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