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Where is the Love? This morning I woke up with tears auto

TheRainbow's picture
[36895]

Where is the Love? - How pathetic can I be..? 2:15pm...All along I thought today was Valentine's Day..and just realizing it's not. I don't even know the days of the week anymore. How didI get to this place?

This morning I woke up with tears automatically streaming down my face. It’s Valentine’s Day; a day that normally doesn’t bother me.

However, my current situation in life made me stop to ponder. My chest and heart literally hurt. I feel cold, empty, unwanted, abandoned and lost. It’s a very scary feeling. I’m unemployed, none of my sisters are speaking to me. And, after years of a series of events, I realize that my youngest and most hated sister is my Mother’s favourite.
It’s not so much that she’s my Mother’s favourite that hurts me, but what REALLY stung my heart was the time in my life when my first baby went into a coma, due to hospital negligence. I was not married to my baby’s father and still was living with my Mother. When I got news that my baby coded, out of respect for my Mother’s house, I asked her if my baby’s dad could spend the night so we could console each other. It was the same day we received the horrific news that my baby coded. My Mother said “No” and that she had her rules and regulations and morals. I pleaded and pleaded with her and she still said “No”. Subsequently my baby died in NICU 3 months later.
About three years later my sister started dating a guy. One night my sister bought the guy in the house in the wee hours of the morning. I just happened to spot her doing it. When morning came I realized that the guy slept in my sister’s room. When I bought it to my Mother’s attention, she did nothing. They ALL left in the same car; my Mother, my sister and the guy who slept over. My Mother was the driver. Can anyone see a reason for me to feel hurt at this point? I verbally blasted my Mother. We argued back and forth. I asked reminded my Mother of the time when my daughter was comatose and asked her if I was unreasonable for asking if my baby’s dad could have slept over to console me; she admitted that I wasn’t unreasonable when I requested that.
I put the situation behind me.

Two years later my sister dated another guy and had a baby for him. They weren’t married either. The guy was allowed to sleep over. I approached her on the situation and her excuse was that he was going back to catch a flight back where he lived early the next morning. Years prior, she claimed she had some morals and rules against guys sleeping over. Whatever happened to her morals when it came to my sister?

It hurt. It hurt A LOT! It broke my heart. Not so much that she was allowing my sister to have guys sleep over, or have her way, but it hurt hard that I asked her respectfully and under the circumstances that my baby was dying in NICU and she still said “No”.
I just wanted my daughter’s dad to spend the night with me to console me, but to my realization, my Mother doesn’t consider my feelings as important as my younger sister’s feelings. I’m not mad at my sister because these things are only being allowed with my Mother’s consent.
I used to confide in my Mother a lot. She claimed to be a Christian and I considered her to be a die-hard Christian; a woman of good values and morals. I NO LONGER see her that way and I no longer will. I can NO LONGER laugh or confide in her because she’s someone who preaches one thing and but doesn’t uphold the same rules when it comes to my sister. She claims the rules of her house still applies, but I told her, they only apply to me. The woman who I once saw as pious…she shouted at me: “Go to hell!” . Never in a million years would I have thought she’d say that to me. Well..she did. We are foes.

It’s funny how family can really be strangers we thought we knew after so many years. Things will never be the same.

One self-reminder I have on this Valentine’s Day is that after losing my twins, God blessed me with a son I treasure. He’s so cute…and with all of his cuteness…he’s got brains. The love that I offered to ppl who do not value me, will be the love I will shower my son with. I will make my son my happiness and take joy in watching and helping him grow.

WOW! This hurts so bad.

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[14590]
Feb 13

@The Rainbow, I am so sorry for he loss of your babies. You now have a wonderful son who will be treated and loved as a child deserves. Sorry for the poor relationships you have with your mother and sisters. It is so sad for family members treat each other poorly, Happy Valentines Day in advance.

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