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Ok, I know nobody can relate or even try to help me in my s

Ok, I know nobody can relate or even try to help me in my situation. Its such a difficult thing to explain. I feel so alone in this decision and its eating me alive.

I'm not divorced yet. In fact, things are ok between us. I say ok because we get along and he's a great man. I am the problem. I have never been attracted to him or emotionally connected. Hes a good looking man and kind but somethings always felt off. I'm repulsed to kiss him. As if I married a relative or if I were gay trying to remain straight.

I wanted to leave...but then he got sick and so I stayed ... Its been a downward spiral with his health over the years and it made things worse then before. We are now limited on what we can do and his energy is gone. Alot of the times im dying on the inside because I'm so unhappy, bored and feeling disconnected in our marriage. I've discovered its a incredible commitment for someone so young to make our life revolves around his health. Yes my marriage vows..I'm suppose to stay even if hes sick. But my quality of life is decreasing with his and the fact i was never in love makes it that much more difficult.

Most of all, its killing me knowing I will never have babies.I'm literally sobbing now bc I'm broke by this. .staying means i won't get this. Its not fair to bring a child into the world knowing their parent is dying.. If I stay ill be filled with regrets at the end my life. Yet if I leave and he dies- my best friend...the same will occur. I messed up and I'm a horrible person.

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mmadwaite's picture
[16645]
2 hours ago

Scat We were just about the same age when I had my daughter; I was still 37 but in two months had turned 38. I do not think this is too old to have children. Also, I am so jealous that you know what you want, to stay married probably for reasons other than love? But you sound content with that decision. Stand your ground. Hope it works out for you.

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[198000]
1 hour ago

@mmadwaite, I know even if I get to the point I'm ready to separate, I would not wish to divorce, firstly because I never want to marry or date again, (I'm 56, ready for grandchildren, why in the world would I care about all that dating bee ess now?) and secondly, since it is likely, according to my doctors, I'll get cancer again, my cancer was very aggressive, I'd need his health insurance. I still do love my husband though. It's doubtful I'd love another even if I end up ending things.

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mmadwaite's picture
[16645]
9 minutes ago

Scat I'm sorry to hear about your cancer. I hope you don't get cancer again. You never know about things; you may be OK. Only God knows and is in control. 56, I wish I was 56 again. I'm 65 and believe me, I'm very interested in dating again. But I really do want to give myself time to heal. I'm into dancing. I love dancing. I met him dancing and he promised we would take swing lessons. Ya, he's a narc and can't (won't) learn within a group. He thinks he's too special. Currently, I'm taking line dance lessons and go out with friends to dinner on Friday nights. Then we listen to music and dance. It is fun. We are all just friends. Scat, one thing I've learned in life is it's the thing you least expect that will bit you in the butt. So, don't be too sure that your cancer will reoccur. Luv your way.

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