Wondered peoples opinion on the following... You find out,

Wondered peoples opinion on the following...
You find out, After 2 years of marriage, your partner cheated several times while you dated and were engaged. The reason for this is due to your partner needing validation and seeking that in others(sexual and non sexual). This is something your partner had been doing for a while and cheating is not new to them. They then say they no longer seek that validation and have changed, would you believe them?

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sunfloweraf's picture
(1935)
Dec 1

My husband kept trying to push that responsibility on me - he would say I just need to trust him, he has changed, and he said he doubted my ability to trust him. See how he was placing the responsibility on ME to trust HIM? Not okay. I turned that around on him and said it is HIS responsibility to be trustworthy and safe and reliable. He needs to be someone I can count on. He also has family of origin issues, but was just blaming those issues, instead of figuring out how to actually live differently. I realized he didn’t know what he needed to do to build trust with me, so I gave him a list of my needs, which are ways he can help me feel secure again, so I feel like I actually could trust him. Essentially, he needs to figure out his sh!t, and be honorable and loving to me. I’ll share part of that list in case it is helpful for you..... I need him to figure out why he was seeking external validation and why he can’t validate himself like a healthy stable loving trustworthy person can. I need him to figure out how his moral code broke, how he could switch his morals and values on and off when it was convenient for him, and how to maintain his integrity without fail. Without fail. I need him to be patient with my fears and triggers, and supportive of me as I heal. I need him to stop blaming my reaction, and stop excusing his actions. I need him to be compassionate and loving to me, and be a safe haven for me, and in return I will be compassionate and loving and safe for him. I need him to defend our marriage with his whole heart.

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(905)
Dec 1

@sunfloweraf thank you so much that was so insightful, i will have to figure out what i need to be safe and build that trust. I would also like to say i admire your courage and dedication.

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sunfloweraf's picture
(1935)
Dec 1

@StillHurt901 you’re welcome, and thanks - it’s been a long rocky road. And it took me a long time to realize that was what I needed..... to figure out my needs. It took me several months to just find my feet again, you know? Keep thinking about what YOU want and need. I hope you find a way to resolve this trauma so you feel safe and loved, whether you stay in your marriage or not. I had to prepare myself to lose my husband in order to be strong enough to take the risks I see as necessary to attempt to build a new marriage, if that makes sense...

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