Sometimes my wife makes me want to bang my head against the

John99's picture
(3615)

Sometimes my wife makes me want to bang my head against the wall. We had our first couples counseling session tonight. You know how the first one goes. Its get 2 know you what are the goals. About 3/4s of the way into it the counselor asked her what kind of relationship she wanted with me.

She talked about wanting a best friend, a partnership in life and keeping our family together. I had talked about earlier in the session about wanting to save the marriage. The counselor looked right at her and told her your using different words but describing the same relationship I described. I wanted to cheer because every time we talked about what she wanted with me I would tell her your describing a husband. I said to the counselor she is describing a husband. When she asked my wife about that she avoided the question and managed to change the subject. I ran out of time to get it back to that. Afterward I asked my wife about it and she claimed that those were my words and the counselor didn't really say anything like that.

I swear that woman lives in another universe or something. We both heard it. She ran from the question and then basically denies it was said. My god she drives me crazy. Why can't she admit that once in awhile I am right about her real feelings. Why do spouses have to make things so hard. We will have been married 15 years July 2nd. It is possible in all that time that I just might know her pretty [email protected] well. At least we both felt coming out of it that it was constructive.

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John99's picture
(3615)
Jun 10

@devastatedinptbo
I did read the article and it was very informative. I still believe intent is important in these situations. Yes I defend her and it may be to much. But this whole situation is extremely complicated and has so many layers. My impulse to defend her comes from my own failures in our marriage that go back years. I have been very open about them on the site and I don't feel like going over them again right now. It doesn't excuse her behavior she was wrong. But I did play a role in this. I love her and she is my best friend and I see her in so much pain it kills me. I guess its the old I can say things about her but others can't. I don't feel comfortable sharing her traumas on here. But if I did I think people would have a better understanding of her. I will say this much when you suppress over 20 years of abuse from various men that took place before we got together. It leads to serious problems down the line and when the dam cracks it makes you do crazy self-destructive things. I know the hole story and because of that I understand and stand by her and dammit she needs one person who won't abandon her and who will try and protect her despite what she did I am that person. An just to let you all know I have known what happened to her since early on in our relationship. There have been no new revelations since d-day. I just wish she had listened to me about dealing with it 15 years ago

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Leahzan's picture
(19700)
Jun 10

@John99 I don't think that you have to forego your compassion for her. But, I do think that finding a way for her to be honest with herself first, then she'll be able to be honest with you. The reality is the gaslighting may be as much about pulling the wool over her own eyes. In my instance, the EX couldn't face the truth. He would distort the truth. He'd hear part of the story but not the full story. He'd even refuse to acknowledge he said or did certain things. In his case, I don't think it was to hurt me. It was to protect himself. His actions created trauma in our daughter, and to this day he has refused to acknowledge it. So, instead he gaslights me and gaslights her. But, what I tell my daughter when she wonders if he even loves her is that he is really gaslighting himself because he isn't strong enough to face the reality. He turns 50 this week. While I would hope he'd face reality some day, I'm not holding my breath.

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John99's picture
(3615)
Jun 10

@Leahzan
I do think she is trying to pull the wool over her own eyes. She built a narrative in her head I can see it. This story is so complicated and so much goes into this. I have a lot of guilt about the past. I withdrew into my own world of depression and that hurt her deeply. So she built this story in her head so she could justify leaving. I believe she thought back then that I was going to leave her. But when I changed my ways and stayed it threatened the narrative. When she finally really listen to what I was going through it did the same thing. Now we recently learned that I may have had Parkinson's a lot longer then they thought. This gives a medical reason for my behavior. Now she is faced with behaving this way and betraying her own beliefs and me. An she did all that believing one thing and the reality was completely different. In the last 2 month's she lost her fantasy world and the world she thought was reality. She needs time to come to grips with this. She has a trauma therapist she sees once a week plus now our couples counselor. She has to be given a chance to work through everything. People wonder how I can handle so many different issues that i have. They are nothing on hers.

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