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So part one of my road trip. Drove about 4 hours to go see m

So part one of my road trip. Drove about 4 hours to go see my mom. Spent the day with her bashing some stuff part to haul off out of her house. Ran some errands with her, dinner then we went and sat at good ole Denny’s for coffee and talking (no we didn’t eat dinner there). She’s been a huge help to me just listening to me vent, rant, get sad, get angry, and listening to me cry. She and my wife have never truly gotten along, but she supports any decision I make whether is be to work things out or just end it. She gives her advice with warning that some is skewed by her feelings towards my wife and some from the aspect of just being a woman.

With that said, this has not been any kind of traditional (if I should even use that word?) back and forth between my wife and I and either getting a divorce or working things out. Can’t really figure out most days what’s really going on.

I should be angry, I should not be scared. I can’t seem to wrap my head most days around what I should or shouldn’t do. After I found out about the affair and had confronted her, she denied it. I filed for divorce. She then weeks later came and asked if I still wanted to go to counseling as I had stated to her we could do, but at the time she was still denying the affair. We set it up, went and it was apparently an “information gathering” session and I was fed the same stuff I’d already heard. She’s not sure what she wants. That we need to work on ourselves, then she can basically decide. I swear if I hear that term again “working on ourselves” one more time, I’m going to throw up. She’s the one that came to me??? My daughter doesn’t want to live with her, my son doesn’t want to live alone with her because of what she’s done. They do want us to work things out which I thought we were going to do. At every turn though it just seems like it’s well we need time. Time for what? We’re not working on anything together. Our only discussions are about the kids only. She says she’s not working on my time frame, ummmmm I didn’t have the affair.

I love her very much, and I can’t figure out why I’m so scared to just say either we’re going to work on us or I’m done and let’s finish the divorce.

Ok done blathering on. Tomorrow part two of the road trip continues. No flaming or anything, yes I know a lot of people will just toss her and move on. I’m trying to work that out and get my head and heart on the same track to figure it out.

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[5010]
Jun 11

The feeling of instability that comes with not knowing where things really stand is the worst. Here is my two cents worth: I think it is very understandable that you don't know which way to go - what if we make the wrong decision? What if I start a divorce when we could have been salvaged, or what if I commit to reconciling and it goes to s***? For me personally, these are my parameters - if he didn't tell the truth, and didn't regret what he had done to us, and didn't want to be totally transparent, I'm calling it a day. I'm not going to beg you to pick me, or beg you to be in our marriage, or wait around for you to decide if you want to be with me. If you want to be somewhere else, or with someone else, don't let the door hit you in the a**. Because at the end of the day, we both have to be fighting to put this back together, not fighting with each other. Fighting will occasionally be part of the process, but if the process itself is nothing but fighting each other, it's time to call it a day. That doesn't mean things can't change down the road. I know 3 couples that divorced, moved on, then down the road came back together and remarried, and live happily to this day. I'm going to be a bit blunt, and I apologize, but your wife doesn't even admit the affair, she doesn't seem regretful, or apologetic, or anything. She seems indifferent. And to say she's not working on your time frame?! It sounds to me like she had a good thing going, that maybe you bent over a little too backwards for her over the years, and now she thinks you'll just keep eating s*** until she says it's enough. I would say enough. For you, and for your kids. And you can give yourself permission, in your own head, to change your mind down the road, if she changes her attitude and approach. Of course your kids would prefer you guys could work things out, and at the same time, they don't want to be with her. They are just as conflicted as you, rightfully so. You taking some control of the situation will help them feel more grounded. It has to be hard on them seeing you be jerked around. So, yes, I do have strong opinions, in case you hadn't noticed. And of course, these are just opinions. LOL!!

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[2420]
Jun 11

@invisibleone she has finally admitted the affair to me. No real apology though. I’ve said before I know I’m not perfect, no one is. I’m doing my best to keep busy and go out and just concentrate on me when I don’t have my kids. I worry immensely for them as well as this is taking a huge toll on them as well. For the time being, I’m just sitting back, I don’t reach out to her, she does to me. Not anything to do with us rebuilding, but none the less reaches out. Like my mom said only I can decide what I feel is the right thing to do. I am tired, I’m stressed, and scared to lose the one I love dearly. At the same time, I know I won’t wait forever, and when I wake up and feel like it’s okay to just let go if nothing has been set in place to work on us then I’ll be able to just move on.

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[14865]
Jun 12

It took my husband 7 months to finally tell me the whole truth, he lied in our therapy sessions, to my face, to his kids and his parents. Only until he knew that me and my kids were completely done with him and he would have to live his life without us in it did he admit everything that he had done. When he finally owed it and was humbled enough to apologize to me and ask me for my forgiveness I did take him back and I let him move back home. But I had gotten to the point that I was done, I stopped all contact with him for over a month, that is when he decided he better swallow his pride and tell the truth. He was so ashamed and embarrassed for what he had done that I guess he figured he could just continue to lie to try and get out of it. My kids just now have begun to come around, they did not want me to take him back, they did not let him see his grandchildren for a year. My daughter even stopped talking to me for awhile because she was mad that I was giving her dad a chance. My husband knows and so do my kids that I am giving him a chance to prove to me he is sorry and he has to try and rebuild our relationship and they also know it is up to me if I can continue this marriage or not. Either way I know I have tried. Maybe your wife needs to know that you are serious and if she is not remorseful you can not forgive and try and move on. Maybe talk about that in a therapy session. Do you both go together and separately? My husband and I do that, I think that is what has helped us so much. He talks with our therapist alone and I do also then we go together. He has major issues to work through which is why he cheated but the part that sucks is now I have anger issues and ptsd to deal with. This just takes time to process and work through hang in there, take it one day at a time.

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