We didn't see that coming!!!


So I'm thinking my wife is cheating with her boss, who is al


So I'm thinking my wife is cheating with her boss, who is also married. A few times a week she either has to go in early or stay late.

Other things are, when she does get home. We get the kids settled in and eventually off to bed, she then falls asleep on the couch. There's no time for us. She doesn't try to hold my hand anymore, she rarely hugs me, and she doesn't touch me. By that I mean just a hand on my shoulder or arm or leg. Just little kind of flirty touching.

The biggest thing happened at her work x-mas party. There was plenty of drinking and her boss is one of those touchy feely kind of drinkers. So as the night went he was getting like that with her. While I'm there and while his wife is there. His wife is very passive and I guess didn't see what I was or just brushed it off. Now as the night went on his attention turned from my wife to a different female employee. Wife got noticeably upset, she doesn't hide it well, and we left immediately. It was a quiet car ride home. Once we got home I questioned her on why she was upset and made us leave. She denied she was upset of course. So not satisfied with her answers I dug deeper and asked her about her relationship with her boss and what I saw tonight and other concerns I've had about some of their previous interactions. Which were conversations that they've had. She again denied and turned it on me about trusting her and other previous issues married couples have. I have always trusted my wife, until as of late. Are my concerns valid?

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Mar 24

@FaithfulFather I hear what you are saying, but I will just say that all the ways you are describing his wife could have been used to describe me (except the getting made when boss' attentions were redirected). But, I never cheated. I thought about cheating many times, but never did. Doesn't change that my actions deeply hurt my husband. Because it did. But, I didn't cheat, he did. I wish my husband had been honest with me about his hurt. Because it would have made me open my eyes and address our problems. Maybe he wouldn't have cheated on me for the last 6 years. Maybe I wouldn't have gone without affection for 6 years. I hope honesty and intervention bears positive outcomes. If she is cheating, I hope she stops and realizes that isn't the way to make her pain go away (whatever that pain may be), and if she isn't cheating I hope it helps her turn to her husband for support instead of looking to others outside of the marriage. I spent many a day & evening looking outside of my marriage to fill whatever I was missing. It was a lonely quest and bore no fruit, just heartache. I didn't cheat, but I wasn't emotionally available. Unfortunately, once I came around it was too late. My husband had already betrayed me over and over again. Its a long slog back to being a couple that is emotionally vulnerable with each other again. Frankly, I don't know if we will get there or if we ever were there. But, I'm hopeful. You have people in your corner (even if we are nameless faceless folks). Feel free to lean on us. That is what we are here for.

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FaithfulFather's picture
Mar 24

@Kyleah - I see where you're coming from - I'm sorry for your pain and I hope your situation improves.
It seems JaLee has already expressed his concerns to his wife about all the odd interactions between her and her boss and she blew him off. What do you propose he do when she dismisses his concerns?

All I am saying is that when a man takes the time to post in an infidelity forum that he thinks his wife is cheating and all the red flags are there - he should investigate a little more before jumping to conclusions.
It could be as you say - and this is all some desperate cry for attention.

IMHO - spouses who get ahead of these things to learn the truth for themselves are in a much better position to reconcile when the other pulls away and shuts down like this. Right now he's watching his wife behave inappropriately with her boss - he's looking for answers and she's not giving him any.

Maybe he should try and have another heart to heart with her? - suggest marriage counseling maybe?
The point is he thinks his wife is cheating but he has no proof. And If she has no time for him - won't touch him - and accuses him of having trust issues when he expresses concern about her behavior
I think he should dig deeper before pointing the finger at himself. I see nothing wrong with that.

Too often the betrayed spouse is led to believe they are at fault - that is a bunch of crap.
Your husband had no excuse to cheat on you - nothing justifies infidelity. If she is trying to get his attention - like you said - she's going about it the wrong way. I am a big pro marriage guy but I have read his story a thousand times. The guys who blame themselves first are usually the last to find out the truth.

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Mar 25

@FaithfulFather Totally understand. I think I initially blew my husband off, too. By no means do I mean to point the finger at him. That is the last thing I mean to do. I wish my husband had suggested marriage counseling. I think it would have let me know the seriousness of the hurt I was causing. I was so wrapped up in my own problems I was oblivious to the harm I was doing to others (not just him). I would suggest some individual counseling and marriage counseling if wife is willing. The individual counseling would help him see his self worth as an individual and have the strength to confront the marriage issues (either to work on them, or to move on).

JaLee, this is not your fault. Your wife's issues ARE NOT YOUR FAULT. She is weak whether she is just distancing herself from you or if she is going further an cheating. While I didn't cheat, I was weak and insecure. I masked that by being cold and controlling. I should have gone into counseling as soon as I was starting to feel unfulfilled in my life (friends, family, marriage). But, you can't make that decision for your wife. And, I hope my comments don't come across as discounting your concerns. They are real, and your wife needs to be confronted with your suspicions and feelings. She will dismiss you the first time, the second time and maybe even the tenth time (whether she is hiding an affair or just discontent). And, through counseling you might be able to decide how much you are willing to take. Maybe if she sees you grow she'll turn around.

I wish this was easy. I struggle with my own guilt, and the betrayals I've recently learned about. There are so many great people on this site with differing perspectives and ideas. I hope some of them are helpful to you. I know they have been for me.

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