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So I just found the evidence last night. Now I am struggling


So I just found the evidence last night. Now I am struggling with what to do next. Do I confront him. The problem is I haven't reached angry...I'm numb...I don't want to yell. We have had lots of issues over the years that could be yelled at...just not sure this is one I feel like fighting about. What would the fight be, he already did it. So I saw they had planned to hook up tonight...do I call him out on it? I feel like I need some time to think about what I want to do. Has anyone told a friend...I am worried if I tell someone and decide to stay I will lose a friend or they will look at me with that "poor you" look that I would hate...anyone else feel like this??

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devastatedinptbo's picture
May 16, 2019

Often when first outed or confronted the cheater will be defensive, maybe even angry at you, or he may just shut down. Whatever happens just know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Cheaters are selfish immature people who have some kind of void within themselves that they are not emotionally mature enough to own and change. Instead, they seek out external validation from the attention of others. This is really just an escape from dealing with their real issues. No matter what was going on in your relationship, the infidelity is all on him. If he was unhappy or dissatisfied he should have come to you to discuss like an adult. Chances are you were struggling with issues too .... but you didn’t choose to cheat. Relationships are complicated. Lying and cheating is not.

May 16, 2019

@jul12 I was in the same situation as you. The AP came to my place of work and handed me a letter detailing (in horrific detail) that extent of the affair and how they worked together to keep me from knowing. I had always wanted to be able to be the person that was able to continue on as if nothing happened and decide if I wanted to let my WS know, that I knew. I had actually told myself on dday that, that was what I was going to do. I sat there at my desk reading and rereading her letter. I refused to believe what she was sharing because my marriage hadn't shown any of the signs of cheating. Still to this day I look at those articles and not a one gets mentally checked. I managed to do that for about 24 hours. He could tell something was amiss the following night and that was when I told him that I knew. To his credit, he admitted that it was true. Honestly, that was the part that hurt the deepest because I still held onto the glimmer of hope that the AP had been lying and that hope was killed with his acknowledgement of the affair.

I guess, the power of letting him know that you know is in your hands. That is the first major decision you have to make now that you have proof. If you choose to not let him know, get yourself individual counceling because you will need somewhere to vent and heal. By going this route, you are making a choice to mourn the death of your marriage as you know it, in private. You are also choosing to not give him a chance to change his ways and hopefully fix your marriage. That decision is ultimately up to you and what is best for you and yours. There is no right or wrong decision.

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Betrayedbyasexaddict's picture
May 16, 2019

If you know where and when, confront him there. Often the WS tries denial first. If he's busted, its harder to deny. To be safe, try to find a person you trust to go with you.


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