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So I have been married for 20 years. I would bet my life tha

[40]

So I have been married for 20 years. I would bet my life that he would never cheat. When we met we agreed what we considered that kissing was cheating. I have had that belief since highschool. One night a me and my husband are having a nice evening, a few drinks, and conversation. He liked to tell me stories of things that had happened to him. He tells me this story how me took his friend, to met this women through one if his co workers. I never questioned my husband when he went out, never. So he continued and told me about they had went bowling and had been out with them drinking. His friend went home he lived rather further way so the co-worker and her friend gave him a ride. This was a long night at some point his co worker kisses him. He said he was sitting,in the back and she had been talking and asked him to lean up so she could tell him something. Well that was the kiss. I said well what did you do. He Said I kissed her back it was just a reaction. I never knew this for 17 years he did not tell me because he said he was scared I would leave. Well he said nothing else happened that was it. It hasn't happened since and never will again. I am crushed, this was a really,big deal to me. I actually lost that feeling I had about him of trust. I'm confused, I'm hurt, I've been betrayed. He never told me all these years I thought it was just us. This is really a deal braker for me, this has caused other realationships to end. He didn't come right home after this. He went to another bar he should of came home right then. He didn't tell me he kissed her back at first. It was she kissed me it was just a second he friend told them to knock it off your both married. I guess my biggest thing is if it was nothing why did you not tell me. Once he admitted he kissed her back I can't understand how do you kiss someone back automatically. I would pull away. Just looking for advice if I'm over reacting. He says yes.

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Kyleah's picture
[4280]
May 21

@AbbeyM 8 years ago I kissed someone when I was super drunk. He kissed me and I kissed him back. Drunk isn't an excuse, but it definitely was a contributing factor. I felt extreme guilt and this wasn't someone I had any feelings for at all. But, at the time 8 years ago I was feeling down on myself and in my marriage. At the time, I thought long and hard about why I did that and whether I really wanted to throw my marriage away. I was wrong not to disclose it to my husband. My reason for keeping the secret wasn't a good one. But, I didn't want to end my marriage.

It was out of fear of what disclosing it would have meant. In your case, you husband knew that kissing would cause you to end the marriage. He didn't want to end the marriage so he kept it from you.

This didn't come out to my husband until I learned of his 6 years physical affairs.

Clearly your husband has carried this guilt for 17 years and for whatever reason finally decided to disclose it. I would ask you to look at the marriage over the last 17 years and decide whether he has demonstrated to you that he loves you and is committed to you. If he has shown you through his actions that he was repentant and devoted, then I would recommend going to counseling to find a pathway to forgiveness.

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[7825]
May 22

Hi AbbeyM, I too am sorry for the loss of trust that this caused you to feel. Every relationship relies on trust and when that trust is broken something has to change. And the change can either lead to forgiveness and reconciliation or it can lead to the end of the relationship. Since you are at this decision point, I agree with others that it would be very helpful for you to find a therapist who can help you sort through your emotions to determine what kind of change you want to work toward. Are you willing to consider therapy?

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[2345]
May 31

I understand where you are coming from, but it could have been the alcohol. If he hadn't been drinking, then I think, if I were in that situation, I would have much more issue with it, but it is hard to say if that was something he would do without the alcohol. Only you know your relationship with your husband, but it sounds like that was the only issue in 20 years, then forgiveness would be helpful, if for no one else but yourself. However, having been horribly betrayed myself multiple times, I can say that the feeling of being betrayed won't go away so easily and you may feel that way for many years. The only thing is, are you going to allow this to ruin a good marriage or will you let him regain the trust back and move forward, growing stronger together in your marriage?

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