Recently, We've had two individual sessions with our counsel

Recently, We've had two individual sessions with our counselor and next friday, we have a joint session again... . In the last 2-3 weeks, we've had some heated discussions where I have really told my wife that I just can't do this anymore...(her still working with the AP).... She has really been distant the last few weeks...she says it's because I was cold to her ( I was... I get like that when this issue really starts to bother me)...

I'm really nervous about our next session. I love my wife, and I don't want our marriage to end....but I really cannot see me doing this for another indefinite amount of time. It's been 6 years, and I've managed, but I think it's time for her to find another job. Am I wrong for making an issue of this? She says she only has contact with him when absolutely necessary and from what I know, she is telling the truth.

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7 hours ago

@Leahzan in response:
1. we have had a difficult marriage and had issues before the affair. I think the friendship started off innocently enough at some point, but the feelings built up for a long time and it was very confusing for her and at some point, I do think she thought she loved him. I can see how this happens. I have been very up front with her and the counselor about my part in contributing to our marital issues earlier in the marriage.... She is 8 years younger than me, and she already had a child when we met. So she went right in to being a mom/housewife and we had 3 kids very early, one of whom is severely disabled. I was working construction in the day and had a job at a nightclub bartending in evenings. Not an ideal job for a family man, but I liked it and the money was really good. I was selfish about that job, to an extent. I never cheated on her, but there was always a steady stream of girls to flirt with... I viewed it as part of the job. I was also good friends with my Ex girlfriend, and she was not comfortable with that. I was very dismissive of her feelings. She is not one to talk about these things, so I believe she carries some resentment from this... She was a very jealous person during this period, which I resented. Once I quit the bar, we moved a little further away toward her job/family, and AWAY from my circle of friends. She started to really enjoy her job and meeting new people, and we almost basically flip/flopped ends of the jealousy/insecurity spectrum. Basically, we have both been guilty of mis-handling that part of our relationship (at times, on both sides of the issue).
2. As I see it, this idea of trying to build security, until she is ready to sacrifice for the marriage.... would be a short term solution... Ultimately, I just don't see how you can be around someone you crossed such lines with on a daily basis and have your marriage survive..... When the affair first came to my attention, I tried to view it as a friendship that just got out of hand and told her I could deal with it, as long as we got back to healthy boundaries. She did not.. She kept texting him (sometimes inappropriate things), staying after work to spend time with him, etc.. Buying new underwear... etc... Finally, she took off her wedding rings and I told her she needed to move out. It's one thing to be living in the house and trying to work things out, but living there and just acting like a single person was not okay with me. We were separated for about 8 months I think. I paid her some support money during this time. We were still seeing each other, sometimes romantically. I think she may have been seeing the AP as well (or wanted to)... I confronted him at work (and lost my temper) but it did not turn into a physical altercation. I think that was enough for him for a bit, so I believe he quit contacting her for a good while. She moved back into the house and we tried to work on things. We started counseling at some point but she has a hard time with that. I begged and begged her to get a new job. She actually did, but it was a far commute and I could tell she was miserable. She was only there for 2 weeks, and I panicked and told her she could go back to the job with the AP. I thought I could handle it. I just couldn't stand the thought of her resenting me. That was about a year? year and a half ago.

I have considered trying to talk to him. Not in anger again, but just to basically have a come to jesus about things and maybe to explain to him what my stance on things is. This is very hard for me to think about as partly I am going to him and asking him for help, or at least it seems like that.

I have considered going to his wife. But ultimately, I know if I humiliate my wife or cause problems for her at work, I will lose her.

3. Best case scenario about the AP, perhaps he is just someone who, like her was unhappy and allowed a friendship to grow beyond it's boundaries. Maybe they kissed once and then they tried to reign it back in.

Worst case scenario, he is a predator type, and things went further than a kiss.

Perhaps he regrets things. In my experience, if you are a married man, and want to maintain your marriage/family, you don't continue to hang out with a girl who you know has strong feelings for you. Maybe he liked the attention.

Back when the affair first became known, I told my wife I wanted to talk to him to clear the air. She wouldn't hear of it. Part of my issue is that my wife has been very ambivalent about how she went about our marriage.

I love my wife, and I don't want to give up on our marriage, but I truly don't think I will ever be comfortable with her working there with him. These recent emails were really a setback for building trust. They were not sexual, and I don't see her walking around with her head in the clouds like a teenager over him (the way she did early on).. But she and I had an agreement that there would be no social contact outside of work. Some of the emails were completely unrelated to work. Just jokes/memes. I would find them harmless if they were to anyone else.

Sorry for the novella, lol.

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Leahzan's picture
7 hours ago

@jamiemaddrox2020 yeah, she needs to leave the job. I've tried every angle to see her side and I see that you've owned your role in the breakdown of the marriage. It seems like she is unwilling to own hers, and her continued role. My husband's AP stayed in contact with him as a confidante and friend for years after their physical affair ended. I resented that and could never have considered moving on unless they completely broke off contact. The reality is that her continued friendship with him is a betrayal to you. And, worse off she knows you consider it a betrayal.

6 hours ago

@Stacey0906 ‘completely reboot his entire system.’ Love this! So true!


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