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Questions for the WS: Do you think you'll ever cheat again?

Questions for the WS: Do you think you'll ever cheat again? Do you think you'll be tempted to cheat again? If not, what do you think has changed that makes you confident you won't? Did you ever think before that you would stop cheating but ended up doing it again anyway? How did you justify your actions to yourself? I'm curious about a WS point of view and what goes through your mind. Like most BS, I am always questioning the chances of my husband remaining faithful. I've come to some conclusions based on facts and analyses that I've read. The numbers for repeat offenders are pretty high, 70-90 percent. However, this is based on a general population of cheaters. I read somewhere today that for those who receive professional help...the chance they will reoffend is as low as 40%
Some key factors for success are 1. Taking full ownership and blame - this means acknowledging they cheated because they have a problem. Those who try to blame other people/factors/the state your your relationship are not taking ownership. 2. Taking action to fix their problem - in my opinion, its not enough to say you're sorry...you need to look deep inside yourself to find the problem and take steps to fix yourself, ideally with the help of a professional 3. Being willing to accept a higher level of accountability, transparency, and openness in the relationship going forward. Staying off the "slippery slope" which means not putting yourself in a position where you might need to make a choice. I've read that the ones most likely to cheat again are the ones who think you should be able to just get over it. Be wary of the ones who think that just being sorry is enough and want to just skip over the process of fixing things. As I understand it, they are most likely to reoffend because they are not forced to look at themselves or inside themselves to recognize the flaws, or deficits, to understand what is missing in them or what makes them cheat. They may feel regret but its not enough to keep them from cheating again. They need to take a good honest look at their self to understand what change needs to be made. Makes sense, right? It also makes a difference whether right now they feel guilt, or shame. Guilt is more the sense of wrongdoing and more likely to stop you from doing it again. Shame is more the feeling of being "ashamed" of yourself after you get caught. Those who feel shame may cycle into more cheating to feel better about themselves again. A little more of a technical post this morning, but I think we are yearn to understand what the heck happened and what we can expect in the future. Of course there are never guarantees. I believe all BS spouses who stay in the relationship, myself included, are accepting a much higher level of risk. I have always felt that you were either the type who would cheat or you weren't. I know now that my husband is the type who would. I have accepted this risk in the short term at least, but on the condition he does everything he can to reduce his risk of reoffending. He must fix himself. And together we will work on strengthening our relationship to increase our chances some more. I will NEVER say my husband would never cheat on me again. I will be aware and engaged. There are no guarantees, whether I stay or whether move on and begin with someone new. In the end we can't control what another does...but we can be aware and insist that any partner we are with does the work to increase our chances of success.

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Angie2002's picture
[8430]
Feb 14

@Dryad yes, I totally understand. I feel the same loss. I think when the light does shine through the shut door...well then they close their eyes. Like you, I wanted needed) to be his one and only...wholly and forever. That will never be and it creates a profound sadness in me. Unfortunately, to be able to continue, we need to accept that our husbands are not what we thought. Neither is our marriage. It's a hard reality but accepting it is the only way to move forward. Does it mean our husbands are not worthy of love? No, I dont think that. As time goes on, the more I realize that this is less about their level of love for us, and more about their issues. The ones who understand their flaws and work to change are the worthy ones. Things will never be the same, but it doesn't mean it cant be good. It doesn't mean it's not worth it. My husband feels the loss too. He said just last night that one of the worse things about this is that he knows I'll never see him in the same way. Je hates that he is no longer my hero. He hates that he has ruined what we had and he lives with regret and wishes he could turn back time. I've lost count of the times he has said that the 2 months he wasted on her was so not worth what we have lost.

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WinterPixie's picture
[3240]
Feb 14

@Dryad My husband says the same thing about not even thinking about me, or even her when he was with her, it was all about him and his needs. It became so much more than he was anticipating, but he was always looking for the next fix. He also regrets thinking that I didn't love him anymore, our marriage was on the rocks for years and the fights had gotten pretty bad. If he would have never had the first thought that I didn't love him, he would have tried to work on us instead of getting what he needed elsewhere. It is sad leaving the man I thought I knew and the relationship we had, but I am trying to think positively about the new relationship we are creating now.

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[2480]
Feb 14

@Angie2002 This is so so true!

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