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OK....So I found out several months ago that my husband has

OK....So I found out several months ago that my husband has been lying and communicating with women behind my back. He has several "secret friends". The man is driving me crazy. He continues to lie about communicating with these women. The strange thing is that he has been nicer and sweeter to me than he has ever been in our 9 year relationship. He acts like he wants to be together and happy, yet he lies like a rug.
He finally seems to have left most of his secret friends behind. He has one friend that I know about. Literally, the ONLY woman that he admitted to befriending. I am not the slightest bit suspicious of her. She is very transparent online and he claims that she is helping him with our relationship, as a friend. So, I asked him to give me her number so that I could speak to her and give her my side of the story. After all, if she is such a great adviser then she needs the full story. That was about a week and a half ago. He kept saying that he had to get her number from her and then he would give it to me.
He spoke to her for over an hour on the phone this past weekend. I did a reverse search on her number and it came up as her business line on FB. So last night, I asked him for her number again and he gave me the song and dance of "I have to get her number for you". I lost it. I called him out, told him he was lying and that he had just spoken to her for over an hour this past weekend.
So what did I do? I feel like a fool, because I called this woman and cried and poured my heart out to her. She had nothing but respectful things to say about my husband. They know each other through a civic organization where she is the President. She is not the kind of person that runs around with other women's husbands. Why would he lie about this? I am starting to believe that if I held a gun to his head and forced him to tell the truth, that he is just simply not capable. He would rather die than be honest. WTF?

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[42875]
Feb 17

@Decepcionada don’t feel this person has power over you because she don’t. As for your h, let him fall on his face.

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Morningview's picture
[4850]
Feb 17

@Decepcionada Of course he's pretending everything is fine, that's their way of trying to distract you from what's really going on. When you bring up an issue that's bothering you to your spouse, if they respect you and don't want you to be upset anymore they will sit and talk out any and all issues you're bringing up until you feel at peace. A spouse who's trying to hide something, trying to get away with something, will only answer questions when asked and will not proactively go out of their way to 'prove their innocence'. The fact that he delayed putting your mind at ease should tell you all you need to know. And on top of that the fact that he all of a sudden is being 'nicer and sweeter' more so than ever before would lead me to believe that he knows you're catching on to him and he's trying to go over the top to show you how good of a husband he is. Where there's smoke, there's fire and based on what you're saying here it sounds like he's trying to cover up something, what that something is is hard to say but there shouldn't be other people getting involved in your marriage, especially not a 'friend' that you aren't even aware of..i could understand if it was a mutual friend you both have known and trusted for years, maybe just maybe that would be acceptable but he's openly admitting he talks with another woman about the problems in his marriage? A woman you didn't know existed? Sorry but to me that's not acceptable. My ex-wife had many 'friends' that turned out to be either ex-BF's or guys she was hooking up with. She would gaslight me and manipulate me into believing that she 'needed someone besides me to talk to'. Come to find out at every job she had while we were together there was always one guy who she would cling to and become 'besties' with and ironically once she would leave the job all of a sudden i would never hear about that guy again..and then it was on to the next job and on to a new 'bestie'. How would your husband feel if you had a handful of male friends that he never knew about or met that you frequently talked to about the problems in your marriage? Would he be supportive? Not ask any questions? I highly doubt it, so right away you know that at the very least his actions are uneasy at best and adultery at worst, don't allow him to continue to lie to you or mislead you. It sounds like you're finally at the point where you're calling him out on his lies and just because you refuse to continue to allow him to lie to you doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong or that you're 'being crazy', it means you're finally trying to establish boundaries and he doesn't want that, he wants to go back to a time where you blindly trusted him and took everything he says at face value, no questions asked. As the young kids say these days, 'stay woke!'.

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[205]
Feb 17

@Morningview I can't thank you enough for your words. You make me feel validated that I am doing the right thing by standing my ground and pushing him away. Your encouragement is exactly what I need right now. I know in my mind and heart that I have to put myself first and put up my defenses. There are too many other people in my life that depend on me to try to be as whole as possible. If I can't defend myself, how could I ever hope to defend them when they need me?
These situations are never easy or pretty. In fact, they are always messy and make us behave in ways that are completely out of character and make us question our own sanity. We just have to remember that while the situation may make us act crazy, the ones with the real mental and emotional deficiencies/disorders are the cheaters/liars. Thank you again.

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