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Ok so it will be two years tomorrow of my dday. I am writin

Mainegenie's picture
[3970]

Ok so it will be two years tomorrow of my dday. I am writing to say what has happened. I was age 63 when this happened. We were having an intimate moment when she stopped me to tell me she had HPV, a dormant version had come forward. Over the next three weeks I lost 50 lbs. I sank into a cave so deep it was endless. I contacted a dating service but did nothing, my woman minister who was awesome, a man therapist I still see and a HS old flame for support (she lives 1500 miles from me). The shock was so swift and traumatic, I did not know what to do; I was not prepared to do anything. I packed to leave but did not. I decided to stay three weeks later and find out what happened. My T suggested I put up barriers to my emotional paid that worked a lot. No more hugging, hand holding shower together, etc. It was working! We have three grown kids together and yes I needed to determine if all were mine, and yes I believe they are. In the weeks following, I slowly, very slowly started to get disclosure but then it stopped. My “T” said I had every right to know what happened 42 years earlier but she had every right not to say anything resulting in unresolved issues. Over the fall I went to my 45 HS reunion and yes the OF was there. She wanted me to have breakfast with her but I could not have revenge sex. At first I asked questions but then had to ask them on weekends, then in written form but the results so not. She did not use birth control and did not know his situation. He a married man with two kids she worked with. He had cheated with other W too before my W. She kept telling me she just went to “talk” with this guy she worked with. What made me most angry was they actually conspired to on what she would say to me, to lie so she could go out “shopping”. I found out later they met at a motel parking lot weekly. This all occurred just 3 ½ months after we married. As I got frustrated that fall I began to call her every name in the book beginning with “F” and “A”, I left her 3-4 times only to return. I was sinking deeper and deeper emotionally into an endless pit. Our marriage was never that great or even good and now I know she never loved me, just used me. By winter I was writing a passionate letter to her on why I needed more info. Apparently they slept together in a car, seat down but how could this be in Bangor, Maine mid winter with temps 0 and plus. She said they did it in many places in a car. RIGHT! At two Christmas ago I heard her telling my grown kids she was planning games with someone on FB. My seasonal work would not let me do much but in time I went onto out FB account that I never did and found another man there. I finally got the courage to confront her and she got pissed at me, later changed the PW and much later took it down. Said I was stalking her and had no right to be there on our computer. I later found out he was a guy from her HS she had a crush on when she was 100 lbs heavier. As the summer approached, we continued endless fighting for info and nothing was happening except she was starting to change her story to nothing happened. Just talk, So I insisted on a marriage counselor which that too went nowhere. We fought. I had tried to make sure there was no sexual harassment and yes there was none. The best I got out of her and the MC was that she admitted to having sex with him. Was it consensual I asked? She said it would be rape if not. I has done. The MC sessions failed. I had to confront the MC at times as she trashed my feelings. Now I know that was my “plan A”. I told her I was not her “H”. My T had been suggesting I do things on my own, have fun so I started golf again, Tae Kwon do, reading, guitar, etc. My Plan B. That was last fall. We were still having sex but not like in the first few months when she was all over me. I could barely keep up at age 63. Then last Christmas all of a sudden I had this sore on my penis. I had been in a car accident a week earlier with a deer. I went to an outpatient clinic and later was diagnosed then with a yeast infection and yes Herpes. Herpes!!! I have never ever been with another woman ever except my W. Now I have to wear a condom and I have never been with anyone else. He Docs said she was clean so they suggested I got it from a toilet seat, on my penis!.. My Plan B now over, I sank into oblivion. When my busy season was over I decided to confront her about the man on FB, very simply and she flew into a rage at me! I decided then I would leave her. My plan C was to leave her, to plan and how. But in the meantime, I developed pneumonia, temp of 106 from my immune system down due to the herpes. The last month I broke my leg from fainting and coughing from the pneumonia. I am currently looking for an apartment and to buy another car. It will not be long. I am “stuck” right now to the lies. Recently she confronted me as we were about to have sex, wanted a “commitment” since I was not her H. Really? I raised three kids, endless job problems while you were home with the kids. Did you ask the OM for a commitment? Nope she said it stopped when she was tired of the sneaking around and he would not change his MO. Our sex over now. They finally moved away to Utica NY and there they divorce I found out from a xmas card. My W cried and cried when she told me years ago they were leaving. I now think she was then and now, heartbroken….. So I stand here writing this. About to form a new life, be a better , new person, happy for the first time in my life…… and leaving finally…… Mainegenie

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Mainegenie's picture
[3970]
Aug 14

@Kas1966 Wow KAS. I hope too you are ok. I felt it important to share what has happened to someone who has tried to "stay" and work to out. It has been a nightmare for me. My health has disappeared. There is a 24 step list for the betrayed spouse my "T" gave me and one person said "I knew I wanted to be able to walk away from this experience and be okay, with my actions, make a legitimate effort toward reconciliation, know I did everything I could, and improve other relationships in my life". KAS, this is how I feel now. It will cost me big bucks for now to get another car and an apartment but I need this to survive and heal. I am adamant I will not go through a third year of this nightmare. She will not, will not, never talk with me without a major confrontation that she, yes she is the victim. All she had to do was say "NO" to this guy and allow me to be her H. It is so good to hear from you again Kim. Your 2nd dday last month. How did it go and where are you now. Did not think you were still on the SG except to help others. I want to too. Mainegenie

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Mainegenie's picture
[3970]
Aug 14

@devastatedinptbo Thanks for the response. It has been some time since I was on the SG. I wanted to share what has happened to me, a guy who tried to make it happen, the M. I know some that work out and some men leave immediately. I am glad now I did not leave right away. Too much was a stake, financially, emotionally for me to react too quickly. Then again it has been a nightmare and I only listed the itmes of importance, not everything that has happened to me. I hop others that read it may find some help. The best thing I did was to wait but see a therapist that cared and did and I still see him. Thanks again Mainegenie

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Mainegenie's picture
[3970]
Aug 14

Yes, I am H2, We both are even though our situations are different. So complicated we are both doing our best under extraordinary conditions, no wife or H should have to do. There are no excuses for what your H did to you nor mine to me. We are both survivors. I have learned about so many that have divorced sometimes twice. M should nto be about this. I too married for good, better or worse. But I did not marry for adultry......

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