Ok, so it is my turn. I have provided several of you with

Ok, so it is my turn. I have provided several of you with suggestions and comments concerning your issue. My comments have been based on my own personal experience and from meetings with my therapist. I welcome your comments on my situation. I am 64 years old. Eight months ago, I was having an intimate moment with my wife of 41 years when she suddenly told me to stop. Why I asked? So you do not get cancer! Why again? She said because she had an abnormal pap smear. “We will deal with is that is ok”, I said. But I do want to give you the HPV virus was the response. She quickly tried to change the discussion but I said, we were virgins for each other when we married, how did you get it? I had an affair was the answer. Ok, fast back 40 years ago (I have an excellent memory). My wife and I had dated through all four years of college. I asked and gave her a pre-engagement ring and then engagement. We got married in a church wedding we paid for, all family members there. After the honeymoon, I was in graduate school and she started a new job at the hospital. I had no friends anywhere near-by, high school or college and my family lived a six hour drive away. We rented our own apartment. Three months after we married, my wife came to me one night with her jacket on (we lived in Maine and this was winter). Said she was going out to go “shopping”. Not wanting to be a controlling husband or the jealous type, I said ok. I also wanted her to develop confidence in herself. That night she returned and obviously had something to drink (alcohol) and I was suspicious. Then again I thought maybe she saw some friends at the store and went for a drink. As the weeks went by, “shopping” became a weekly event. In time I became suspicious that she was lying to me. She never brought anything home, when I asked to go with her she declined and would not stay home when I asked. I planned on leaving her and had gone to the college for a room assignment. But just as suddenly something changed. Then a year and one-half later, my wife suddenly became a friend of her co-worker. He was married with two kids. Dinner dates with us all, a hobby with him collecting mushrooms, TV nights are just a few of the many times we saw them. When I learned he had had a vasectomy and a prior affair, I tried to get us away. Eventually they move away. My wife and I had three children. Well you guessed it, they were having a sexual affair those first few months after we married. She never used “protection” from pregnancy but then again she admitted they never talked about it either. When I learned about the affair eight months ago, I totally “lost it”. I never hurt her physically or other but boy was I mad. I went into a deep depression. I lost 50lbs in weight those next three weeks, 50lbs. I do not remember those weeks at all, I never slept, did not eat. I contacted a dating service (which I never used) and an old girlfriend from HS now widowed. She was great but we NEVER did anything re: sex she lives several states away from me). I told my minister, my doctors and started seeing a therapist. He was / is great (the therapist). His focus was on my healing, emotionally. Put up barriers to my wife that caused me hurt including no hugging, kissing, touching etc. I used “mindfulness” and meditation to help with my healing and to control my emotions. He also asked me to prepare a “pro and pro” listing of reasons to stay and to leave, valued at 1-10 points. My wife totally stopped talking about the affair as much as I tried to get information. I had to write her letters to find out that they discussed weekly how to conspire, lie to me about where she was going which store parking lot to meet, which store but then go to a deserted road to have sex. She would get into his car. My wife would put the passenger seat down she says and let him hump her. How romantic. She says she was “infatuated”, had a crush on him. Apparently he was very infected with the STD virus he gave her and then me. He had had other affairs. I too had met him. I had to develop a “time-line” on events to make sure my three children were mine, not his and they are (mine). She always used protection from pregnancy with me. Right now, my pro and pro listing is close but says I should stay in the marriage. Then again, I caught her “liking” a guy she knows from her HS on FB. I confronted her. It took courage for me to do this and I have had to do this many times in the last eight months. I no longer love my wife; cannot happen with continued lies and no trust. Eight months later I am much more healed and confident and if she leaves me great! It is my grown kids I worry about most re: losing their trust in me. I am about to “forgive myself” so I can move on but will never, never, never forget this. Forgiving her will take a long time for the hurt to go away. The sex she had 8-10 times I figure at a minimum was enough but the lying to my face hurts the most. I will not forger ever, her doing a spread eagle for this guy in his car with the heater on (it is cold in winter in Maine). We are still married and we are “dating”. Then again the sex is the best ever. Totally physical for me……. What do you think?

show more ⇓
Comment
 20
View 17 More Comments
[10]
21 hours ago

I understand. I slept on a floor for years while she went out evernight.

Reply
[320]
16 hours ago

@cantseestraight Again, I am sorry for what you are going through. I am not sure what you mean by you being "tested". Maybe you could elaborate. Yes, I agree that it must be terribly lonely for you to have no one to turn to. I found myself reaching out to whomever would listen almost immediately when I found out. The first one was my woman minister. I really did not know her well and had not been to Christian church but she responded right away. Said it was going to take a while to heal, "baby steps" as she called it. Then I told my primary care doc and she was very understanding. I told my barber and the bank teller. Getting it out is important to your emotional health. By then I was seeing a therapist, a man. The first three visits all he did was too listen and listen. I cried every time, wept. My wife would not talk at all. Have you had a good cry? I know our situations are different but you need to realize that your marriage will never, ever be the same again, nor will you. I hope for the better for you. Do not, do not let you H bully you into accepting his behavior. There are others out there. Work on being financially stronger so that if you do leave you will be ok. When I found out, I realized just how unprepared I was for this. Yes, it is not like "throwing a light switch" in your life on and off. You have been together for years? My mother finally confronted my dad who was stealing their retirement money for another women. It took seven years for them to finally divorce but she is so much better (My dad died of hep C) off. Yes your situation is very, very complicated and will take time to clear. BUT you must start making changes for yourself to move on even in this marriage. Your kids will accept this and your H will regret his actions some day. Again, it will never be the same. I realized when my W went on FB and liked this guy (that she denies) that what little trust I had was gone and that living without her would be better if no trust. I told her our marriage was over months ago and now we are dating. I do not think it is working. You need to improve your communications with your H for the trust or there is no way you can continue to live in this situation. I had my jacket on last night and my hand on the door knob to leave.... but did not, not yet. I realize it probably is not that easy for you. Build your confidence and take courage you can make it alone. If you do separate, you will, you will survive in a new life you will enjoy and it is out there for you. Just do not stay where trust is zero. Remember that a big part of the "I love you" to the other is centered around 100% trust or there is no L ...... and no M. Keep writing and stay strong, i know you can. Mainegenie

show more ⇓
Reply
[320]
1 hour ago

@Kas1966 It comes and goes. I had my jacket on last night and my hand on the door knob. One more insensitive comment from her and I was gone, good rid-dens. Again I am in this relation for the our family dynamics as they do not know.. Is not their issue. This issue is between my wife and I alone. I now know I have been living in a 41 year marriage lie, a dirty lie. Not just the sex they had or the the many lies she said to my face directly but the not so good times thereafter and there are several. She cheated me out of the married life I wanted. Now she thinks her boyfriend and family left ME because of her. More info she has not told me or an incredible stupid ego? He only wanted sex from her. Thanks for your concern. I am in no rush to leave the marriage but if it happens, won't take much for me to leave. She was on FB lately with a guy from her HS recently. She said it was nothing. I am not getting used to her lies. Thanks again for your e-mail

show more ⇓
Reply

Login or Register

You are visiting Support Groups as an anonymous user.

Please consider joining our community and gain access to additional features by

registering or logging into your account