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Ok, so it is my turn. I have provided several of you with

Mainegenie's picture
[2545]

Ok, so it is my turn. I have provided several of you with suggestions and comments concerning your issue. My comments have been based on my own personal experience and from meetings with my therapist. I welcome your comments on my situation. I am 64 years old. Eight months ago, I was having an intimate moment with my wife of 41 years when she suddenly told me to stop. Why I asked? So you do not get cancer! Why again? She said because she had an abnormal pap smear. “We will deal with is that is ok”, I said. But I do want to give you the HPV virus was the response. She quickly tried to change the discussion but I said, we were virgins for each other when we married, how did you get it? I had an affair was the answer. Ok, fast back 40 years ago (I have an excellent memory). My wife and I had dated through all four years of college. I asked and gave her a pre-engagement ring and then engagement. We got married in a church wedding we paid for, all family members there. After the honeymoon, I was in graduate school and she started a new job at the hospital. I had no friends anywhere near-by, high school or college and my family lived a six hour drive away. We rented our own apartment. Three months after we married, my wife came to me one night with her jacket on (we lived in Maine and this was winter). Said she was going out to go “shopping”. Not wanting to be a controlling husband or the jealous type, I said ok. I also wanted her to develop confidence in herself. That night she returned and obviously had something to drink (alcohol) and I was suspicious. Then again I thought maybe she saw some friends at the store and went for a drink. As the weeks went by, “shopping” became a weekly event. In time I became suspicious that she was lying to me. She never brought anything home, when I asked to go with her she declined and would not stay home when I asked. I planned on leaving her and had gone to the college for a room assignment. But just as suddenly something changed. Then a year and one-half later, my wife suddenly became a friend of her co-worker. He was married with two kids. Dinner dates with us all, a hobby with him collecting mushrooms, TV nights are just a few of the many times we saw them. When I learned he had had a vasectomy and a prior affair, I tried to get us away. Eventually they move away. My wife and I had three children. Well you guessed it, they were having a sexual affair those first few months after we married. She never used “protection” from pregnancy but then again she admitted they never talked about it either. When I learned about the affair eight months ago, I totally “lost it”. I never hurt her physically or other but boy was I mad. I went into a deep depression. I lost 50lbs in weight those next three weeks, 50lbs. I do not remember those weeks at all, I never slept, did not eat. I contacted a dating service (which I never used) and an old girlfriend from HS now widowed. She was great but we NEVER did anything re: sex she lives several states away from me). I told my minister, my doctors and started seeing a therapist. He was / is great (the therapist). His focus was on my healing, emotionally. Put up barriers to my wife that caused me hurt including no hugging, kissing, touching etc. I used “mindfulness” and meditation to help with my healing and to control my emotions. He also asked me to prepare a “pro and pro” listing of reasons to stay and to leave, valued at 1-10 points. My wife totally stopped talking about the affair as much as I tried to get information. I had to write her letters to find out that they discussed weekly how to conspire, lie to me about where she was going which store parking lot to meet, which store but then go to a deserted road to have sex. She would get into his car. My wife would put the passenger seat down she says and let him hump her. How romantic. She says she was “infatuated”, had a crush on him. Apparently he was very infected with the STD virus he gave her and then me. He had had other affairs. I too had met him. I had to develop a “time-line” on events to make sure my three children were mine, not his and they are (mine). She always used protection from pregnancy with me. Right now, my pro and pro listing is close but says I should stay in the marriage. Then again, I caught her “liking” a guy she knows from her HS on FB. I confronted her. It took courage for me to do this and I have had to do this many times in the last eight months. I no longer love my wife; cannot happen with continued lies and no trust. Eight months later I am much more healed and confident and if she leaves me great! It is my grown kids I worry about most re: losing their trust in me. I am about to “forgive myself” so I can move on but will never, never, never forget this. Forgiving her will take a long time for the hurt to go away. The sex she had 8-10 times I figure at a minimum was enough but the lying to my face hurts the most. I will not forger ever, her doing a spread eagle for this guy in his car with the heater on (it is cold in winter in Maine). We are still married and we are “dating”. Then again the sex is the best ever. Totally physical for me……. What do you think?

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Mainegenie's picture
[2545]
Apr 30

@Kas1966 Kim, you and I have to realize that you and I will be forever linked / connected to our spouses, as a result of our children. So long as we stay in our kids lives, so won't we with our other. Can't change that. If I decide to leave the house I part built, my home when I did nothing, file for divorce, when it was my W who was 100% at fault, I need to realize she could make my life even more miserable. How? What if I show up to my home and the locks changed and a strange car in the driveway, another man my W is now sleeping with. Revenge, revenge sex. What if go to to a family event whenever and she is now with another man, two or three beyond and she is telling my kids it is because I left her! I would be toast!. I live in a state that is no fault. So it does not matter who did what although no judge will dent my request for a divorce with her infidelity on the table. Then again, I may be required to pay alimony which would further depress me and and reduce my standard of living. Early retirement may be and again, I did nothing. Why should I be hurt here further. You said it was cold in your house. My boundaries have created the same that is driving my W crazy but is helping to heal me. The coldness in your house may be for the same reasons which you should know may be harder on you than him. Realize that. Then again, if you want to drive your H crazy for YOU to heal, simply withhold sex. I do not want to know if you are doing (and I do not want to know) this or not but please realize this will not to keep him from cheating; he will anyway if he is a cheater. He could sleep with both of you easily if he does (an i am not suggesting he is doing that either) My W gives me what I want and I have no emotions except enjoyment (sorry for the comment). Again, work forward moving on with or without your H. I can tell your emotions are still not in control. Check the state you are in for divorce implications before you do anything. I hope this is ok to keep in contact with you. You say very little.... My computer was crashing Saturday (as I was again, again) and I seemed to not be able to send you a "private" support message. Not sure if it was you or my computer. But I do support you. You do not say much to me and that is ok but then again I do not know how you feel either. This is trying times for both us us, "hard work" as my woman minister said. Stay in touch either way....... Mainegenie

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Mainegenie's picture
[2545]
Apr 30

@UsedbytheoneIlove I am sorry but you need to know that men can be scoundrels this way. Our bodies were built to have sex often. When I was 25, I could easily have sex three times DAILY and then some. You were not naive to think he just did not want it any more. I am 64 and I could still have sex 3 times per week. Do not beat yourself up. Then again this was a cue and you needed to stay in touch with your H. You now have much bigger issues to deal with than not have it. You need to deal with the emotional trauma you must be feeling now. My W treated me to sex less than once a week and then again I felt like she was just a "cement block" of feelings and responses. I too had "blinders" on to all other woman for 41 years. I now know there are many women out there (not that I have tried, I have not) who would like a good romp in the sack but only with the one she truly loves. Tell me what your story is "usedby" and how you are coping. I want to hear it.........

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Mainegenie's picture
[2545]
Apr 30

@Kas1966 The picture was before the 50lb weight loss and I had worked out at the gym weekly before that for five years

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