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My Wife had an emotional affair, or at least I believe it wa


My Wife had an emotional affair, or at least I believe it was only emotional.

She has been dealing with major depression, off again, on again suicidal idealizations. We have a 5 year old and adopted 16yo who was her sister. They came from a home that it was found out that the father had been sexually abusing her sisters and most likely her when she was a child.

I struggle to cope, find myself with nightmares, insecurity, fear of loosing her and fear of being hurt more. She has drip fed me information and despite a no deal breaker clause I continue to find out further deception and other painful realizations.

She had kept it going from May to July and met at a cousins wedding. She is an alcoholic though only after this affair admitted it. No excuse, she did bring it to my attention but then deleted texts, snapchat, pictures. Lied and only would tell me when I found out something else.

She says that she has told me everything now. That she loves me, really messed up and was not in a good place with herself and unable to care about others. Looking at her phone she had not one picture of me in a 8 month time frame but a lot of others.

She was committed to a suicide prevention program when this came out. I was struggling to cope and she was suicidal with me unable to care for her and myself I had her committed. She was there for 7 days and has now transitioned to a Alcohol/Addiction treatment facility with dual treatment on causes and has been there for going on 3 weeks.

I get a 15 minute call a night and so far 3 letters despite my daily to her. I just do not know anymore. I must be fair with myself and want this to work but worry about her still lying. She did a masterful job at hiding it and still hides details (pictures) ext. I fear it happening again, her committing suicide, her hurting me or the family.... But I love her so much and it pains me to see her hurt.

How do I trust, how do I heal.


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Aug 17

It sounds like she is dealing with a lot of shame and guilt. She needs to find a way to redeem herself and find complete forgiveness. At that point she can start working on reconciling with you and others. I would check with a Pastor or counselor who is familiar with family and addiction issues. Someone who can guide and pray with you both. Prayers that all turns out well!

markhappyguy's picture
Aug 17

You cannot trust her. She has a lifetime of dysfunctional upbringing and abuse before you met her. From that kind of environment, lying is a way of life, a way to survive. You may never able to trust her. She needs to be in therapy for that kind of upbringing beyond just dealing with the addiction. The addiction and depression are all symptoms of her deeper pain and abused self.

Rdan's picture
Aug 17

@redgrimlin I do not agree with at least one of the coarse responses to this comment lacking in tact and compassion. If a person has a particular love language and you give the anything but that. They can say you never really loved me. And in a way that would be a correct statement. (I had to figure this out with my kids specially). And if her needs are not met her love tank is running on fumes . So after an extended period of time she may not know she has emotions that as a person she's less than others around her, her self worth is affected her self esteem dives and now someone comes along and feels for her, tries to make her smile and tells her she's worth - she connects emotionally like she hasn't in a long time. Look for ways you could have done different instead of focusing on her reactive behaviors so you can keep moving forward. She's admitted she needs help - what are you committed to do to help her. First you need to determine in your heart is this the one I want till death do us part. Then decide what you are going to do till the day they lower on of your casket's. Because that day is coming. And guilt is the hardest part of grief.

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