My wife cheated on me 5 times while drinking

I hope someone has some advice. I have 2 kids (2 and 6). I've been with my wife since I was 18. I love (loved) her dearly.

She is a good woman sober. She is a temptress cheat when drunk. She had sex with 2 of my best friends, my brother in law and our neighbors.. All of which were affairs of convenience. There were a total of 5 incidents. All of which took place while I was asleep after nights of partying.

My wife admitted she in alcoholic and is going to AA tonight. She admitted to each affair, this morning, after hours of probing.

Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone been through alcohol related cheating?

She has never done anything wrong sober. But she is uncontrollable drunk. She even hit on my father in law. The 3rd husband of her mother (He pushed her away and reprimended her sternly) She had sex with his son in Cancun after a night of drinking while I lay in the hotel asleep. Both of the latter incidents were difficult for her to admit due to the social mores forbidding them.

Please help.

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buford2536's picture
Nov 21, 2012

Thank you all. Here is an update. My wife has been in therapy, AA and jointly we have been in spiritual based marital counseling. We are making progress, but progress has its ebbs and flows. Peaks and valleys.

All incidents were related to a black out drunk. We are dealing with the underlying issues, alcohol and promiscuity.

Collaboratively we have derived the following:

Opportunistic Infidelity: Opportunistic infidelity occurs when a partner is in love and attached to a spouse, but succumbs to their sexual desire for someone else. Typically, this type of cheating is driven by situational circumstances or opportunity, risk-taking behavior, and ALCOHOL ABUSE.

I summed it up in my head, spirit and with her as follows:

Alcohol lowers one inhibitions and moral strengths.

Inhibitions defined: A voluntary or involuntary restraint on the direct expression of an instinct. (fidelity).

Strengths defined: Social mores, Christianity, values and beliefs. In our case, we base these on our relationship with God and what we interpret as societal acceptable.

Once these two transpire concurrently, lowering of strengths and inhibitions, the alcoholic reaches towards their comfort spot, something they desire. Something that is comfortable.

We are a very sexual couple. This is her comfortable zone and base desire. She likes to be intimate. The people she cheated on me with fall in to a "people of comfort" category. For this reason, when she is black out drunk she reaches for the things for the things that are comfortable for her.

I have not forgiven her, but I work towards that goal. We have recentered our lives around Jesus Christ and dedicated our marriage to living through his word. Only God's grace can save us.

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Pauly's picture
Nov 21, 2012

Amen to that! and if thats the case ---she better NEVER even look @ alcohol again! Forgiveness is for you brother--- Luke 6:32 For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them. 33 And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same. 34 And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive , what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again . 35 But love ye your enemies, and do good , and lend , hoping for nothing again ; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. 36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. 37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged : condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned : forgive , and ye shall be forgiven : 38 Give , and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down , and shaken together , and running over , shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again . 39 And he spake a parable unto them , Can the blind lead the blind? shall they not both fall into the ditch? 40 The disciple is not above his master: but every one that is perfect shall be as his master. 41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye? 42 Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother's eye.

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Kimmy2012's picture
Nov 21, 2012

Thank you for a very educational update, Buford. I learn a lot from it. And thank you Pauly for a very spiritual post.

I am glad that you and your wife are on the right track. I admire the way you guys work together like this and the commitment you have for each other. No tunnel is too long, too deep, too dark, too bumpy if you two walk together thru it as a husband-and-wife team.

All the best to you and yours.


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