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My wife’s had 2 affairs and were still in our twenties.. F

My wife’s had 2 affairs and were still in our twenties.. First one was a few years into marriage with a colleague. She eventually just confessed one night in bed - made me realize her increased sexuality was being fueled by her coworker who was buying her sex toys. Second time was several years later (a few months ago) she was working out of town and had another affair and then continued it when she came home for several more months.... I’ve always been a ridiculously nice guy to her. One day tells me that she won’t be home when I come home from work - this was about 5 minutes before I left for work. Felt the same panic feeling as your world falls away. I didn’t go to work the next couple days because I was sick to my stomach. She came home to get some stuff - thought I was at work, cried in the house and finally confessed she was having another affair and had already got a lease with this guy. I convinced her to cancel the lease and get out of it. For a month she said she wanted to try - I have no idea why I’m still in this relationship - I am Christian so it does influence my views on Divorce. Have lots of attractive women in my life that I know I could be with but have put my marriage above all of that. Now every day is a struggle- every time I see her on her phone or getting a coffee you wonder what she’s really doing.... life sucks - foundation of life seems to be falling apart. Finding myself a lot more spiritual nowadays. Will never understand how someone could do this to someone else. Even after all the counselling and therapy of the first affair. Now she says she’s mentally checked out as she built this huge web of lies to rationalize why she did what she did and now she doesn’t trust her self. So I’m basically keeping this relationship going by just being nice and avoiding talking about any of it. Can’t kick her out and i can’t afford a divorce- considering I made 80-90% of our combined wealth.... Such a bad place to be in - seems like a rock and a hard place.

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Feb 10, 2019

Ya that is exactly what I fear as well, thanks for sharing your story. My wife told me that I just don’t make her feel special and beautiful even though I try all the time. Apparently only these other men can do this for her. My wife always had a rebel side that wanted to be with the bad boy who I kind of was at one time until I matured and grew up. I understand the thrill of a new relationship but I never think momentary pleasure is worth destroying peoples lives. I have definitely begun the process of hardening my heart towards her... mostly to protect myself. Just not sure how to proceed as divorce will cost too much - she isnt working and has no where to stay so it would have to be me to leave, and all my roots are here so it would be hard to do that. I honestly feel like I need to move to a new country and just start all over from scratch.

Feb 11, 2019

@Twotimestoomany you don’t have to move, why can’t your wife move. She caused all of this. If she doesn’t feel that way and she needs to get source of love from someone else, she is not worth it.

DanielJ19's picture
Feb 11, 2019

Incredible, how much pain and heartlessness there is in the world. A problem for we betrayeds is that we struggle to understand that which cannot be understood. This is made worse by the fact that our love and our trust and our devotion— the best in us— becomes our enemy with a betrayer who is broken inside. My wife deeply needs acceptance and freedom and security due to childhood and perhaps other issues. I provided amply for her, loved her well, yet the insecurity and weakness inside her that she never fully shared with me (nor even understood herself) left her ripe to cheat as her way of running away from life’s pressures, from reality. Crazy thing is, her worst fears include being abandoned, being alone, not being accepted... and she did the one thing that makes those outcomes most likely. She’s also extremely materialistic, looking to possessions and a fabulous home as tangible ways to measure success and gain a sense of stability — but she risked all of that to have some married nobody make her feel wanted (she was too blinded by neediness and her compulsive desire to escape real life to see that she was being used as an unpaid prostitute, providing sexual services and some no-strings, no pressure time to talk and superficially ‘connect’). For all her desire for security, she risked it all for NOTHING, for her drugs of choice: approval, sex, fantasy-land. If I had done what was reasonable and threw her out, she’d be starting life over as a 45 year-old with the deepest of inner hurts and peanuts for financial resources, literally homeless if I chose. I had her sign a prenuptial agreement in 2016 that leaves her with what’s hers, exclusively... which is almost nothing. No, her decisions were like an addict’s, driven by pain and old hurts. She acted like an unthinking, impulsive child — the only ‘adult’ part of what she did was the sex and not having a parent drive her or purchase her hotel room for her trysts. Trying to figure all of that out rationally is a path to madness. Betrayers are damaged. Until they face their demons head-on, until they defeat them, until they repent fully and choose to love fully and be loved wholly, they will remain forever trapped in a hell of their own making. Should they so choose, that hell is only our hell should we choose it, with them. We all have choices.

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