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My therapist asked me today to consider the possibility that

SadDadOfFive's picture
[2775]

My therapist asked me today to consider the possibility that my wife's affair had absolutely nothing to do with me. That's different than "it's not your fault". I'm still pondering it, but it has me thinking less about her AP as a competitor to me during the time the affair went on, and more as something entirely different. That she wasn't necessarily comparing sex and companionship with him to with me the way I do in my own mind. He said her affair sounded very much like addict relapse behavior (she's an alcoholic with 11 years of sobriety). To the extent I've been able to think of it that way from time to time it helps depersonalize it. Obviously this doesn't make the whole thing too much easier to swallow, but it helps in certain aspects. When I think about special times we had together during the last few years, sweet moments, times we were intimate, etc., I can be open to the possibility that those moments were genuinely special to her too; at least some of them. I'm just trying to do whatever I can to get away from a state where I have constant thoughts of her being with him, constantly trying to figure out why, how I could have prevented it, etc. I know I'm not going to solve all of this like some big logic puzzle, so I need to find ways to come to peace with it. Thinking about it this way is helping, at least a little, at least for now.

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diver1972's picture
[2990]
Jan 10

@devastatedinptbo "understanding of where your spouse's mental state was at when they chose to act in this selfish way can help you find some empathy for them."

True. And it certainly must be bidirectional empathy.

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diver1972's picture
[2990]
Jan 10

@SadDadOfFive "Really what was "missing", in my opinion, was solid communication on her part that she was in a bad place and needed some help and closeness."

That's a primary symptom of emotional immaturity and low self-esteem.

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[2660]
Jan 13

@Kas1966 why why why would your husband try to hook up with her again?! I dont get it. I have been to counseling. He has not.

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