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My long term relationship with my partner has just ended, ov

My long term relationship with my partner has just ended, over infidelity. It has hit me particularly hard and I thought I needed to try and talk about it, as I'm too humiliated to tell any of my friends.

My situation won't be as harrowing as many here, we were not married and did not have children, but we were very much 'together' and had made a commitment to spend the rest of our lives together. We are both in our 50's.

We had the most amazing relationship, never ever fought, enjoyed the same things, he was everything and more than I could ever hope for, in terms of kindness and gentleness, stability and 'loyalty'. We also had a very loving and passionate relationship too.

I'm no pushover or gullible in any way, nor needful in any way. Have my own career, own home, I am confident and believe I'm very attractive and so I do 'know' there are other romantic possibilities out there. I am definitely not arrogant or conceited though! I am a very loving and supportive person, I do a lot of work for animal charities and help other people not as fortunate as myself. I also believe after all these years I have become a good judge of character and am well past the the stages we women go through sometimes in our pasts where we end up being drawn to the wrong men for all the wrong reasons! Been there, grew up, and now the things that charm me are kindness, sincerity and compassion for others. And 'Dean' seemed all of those things - a grown up man with nothing to prove, kind of 'what you see is what you get'. But unfortunately, that bit didn't really follow through.

Dean goes on a ski trip once or twice a year, it's a passion of his and something I wouldn't wish to do, so I was always pretty cool about him going with his ski buddies, no prob! Even gives me a bit of time to do my own things, which is great!

The ski groups are mainly mixed, some married couples, some friends of friends, and, like Dean, some who go on their own because they do not share the sport with their partner. They all share one big chalet to keep prices down and to make it more of a fun group thing, which I never questioned. That's just not my style.

There was one woman that Dean would often speak about more than the others, a married woman who would also leave her spouse behind on these trips simply because it wasn't his thing either. According to Dean, this woman had become an extremely close friend, had been supportive for him during his recent divorce, and seemed to be fondly encouraging him to remember that he was a good person and deserves to be happy, etc. Occasionally she'd send him these little cards, sort of 'spiritual messages' going on about what a special person he was, I spotted them and although I thought they seemed a bit 'overly warm and friendly', he insisted that that was just her 'colourful way of writing' and that it really meant nothing. You see... I BELIEVE people!

Fast forward about 6 months, not only do I discover that they have been having 'something of an affair' for the past year, but that she has NO AWARENESS of me, I don't exist as far as she was concerned. So it would seem that he was keeping me secret from her in order to keep this 'option' open! During all that time we were living our lives between ski trips, being in love, and planning a future together... he was pursuing this other possibility all along.

We've been split for 3 months now, though he regularly sends me messages imploring for my forgiveness. I ignore them.

What I'm struggling with even now, is not necessarily any pain to my ego or insecurity as the person that I am. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE LIES. I have found that having your trust broken by someone you had all the love and faith and belief in the world for, was actually able to do it to you. Speak directly and comfortably into your eyes with lies. When you get hit with that realisation it is such a shock to the system and shakes you up so profoundly. It's hard to explain how much it seriously messes you up and can send you into profound depression. Feeling so beaten down and disillusioned by it that everything's gone to pot at the moment, not eating, not getting out of bed, and feeling no optimism about the future in any way. It ends up leaving you feeling that everyone just lies, and it becomes impossible to trust, on any level. It's then easy to become reclusive and draw yourself back from society.

We know that there are people who lie mercilessly, we know that there are selfish people who will try and use you if they can, but NOT your soul mate, your safe person who loves and respects everything you are. The lies, and the lies he was able to tell me with such ease and calm. It's all left me in a pretty horrible and debilitating place at the moment. I'm not sure what else to say about it really, other than, I simply felt the need to get that out there.

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Kas1966's picture
Sep 26

@Francesca7777 I commend you for your strength.

TDT's picture
Sep 26

@Francesca7777 I feel the same way- the deception is too much for me. Without trust, there is no relationship and I refuse to live my life feeling paranoid and stressed that he was thinking about doing it again. I have done SO much work on myself and I am so proud of how far I have come. I am finding strength I never knew I had and I am reconnecting with myself and my true worth. It is still scary, devastating and hard but now I KNOW without a doubt that I will be ok and that I have made the right decision. Sending love and well wishes to you

Sep 26

@Francesca7777 So glad to see your post, I have wondered how you're doing! Your strength is inspirational, and even though we all have different paths, and different motivations for our choices, we are all still the same in so many ways. Sharing does help, and this is the only place that I have, so I thank you and the other kindred spirits here. :-)


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